The Feminist Prepares for The Bachelor

A new episode of The Bachelor premieres tonight. This can only mean one thing: I’ll be live texting it with my BFF. My texts will consist of comments of how contrived something is, feminist snark, and the occasional ‘d’aw.’ Since the latest portrait of white hotness is a farmer, I’m sure we’ll have a few ‘aw shucks’ and hilarious fish out of water moments.

Later this year when the next Bachelorette is determined from Hot McDonald’s castoffs, I want to host a watch party with shot glasses full of water and juice (it does air on Mondays folks) and bite size snacks that must be consumed every time a key word or phrase is uttered. I’d probably only pick about 6 key phrases to avoid any complications. I got the idea from Jennifer Pozner’s Reality Bites Back.

-Princess

-Prince Charming

-Fairytale

-Cinderella

-Magical

-{Any other Disney princess mentioned by name or movie}

-Happily Ever After

-Wedding

-Marriage

-(I want) kids

-I want a family

-I’m (falling) in love
-Soulmate

-Engaged

-Fiancé
-Wife/Husband

-I didn’t come here to make friends

-“She’s a bitch” or “He’s an ass/jerk”

-(S)He’s not here for the right reasons

-{Any mention of racial differences, generally void 1/3 through the season}

-{Anyone gets sloppy drunk}

-{Anyone crashes someone else’s one on one time}

-{Any time a contender sneaks the protagonist away for stolen one on one time}

This world needs more conscious media consumption. Rarely is it mention how incredibly white The Bachelor(ette) franchise is. Andi Dorfman caused a splash because she was the first Jew. How white does a show have to be for Judaism to be exotic? 

I think Andi also had someone not white in the running for longer than average. I don’t know if the show is picking a primarily white mating pool it needs a more realistic distribution of color.

Also, almost no one realizes how totally isolated those women are. Between Melissa Rycroft Strickland’s book and pieces of Courtney Robertson’s book, you realize the women aren’t allowed cameras, iPods, iPhones, TV, internet, books, crossword puzzles, laptops, tablets, magazines, newspapers, or any other form of entertainment. I doubt they’d even get a Rubik’s cube lest ABC have to pay for licensing. I think the reason the women get so competitive over the dates is so they finally have something to do.

Under normal circumstances, this is a recipe for Stockholm Syndrome. Within the confines of reality TV, this is a recipe for drama and ratings. The reason so many of these relationships fail is because no one in them has had any exposure to real life stresses and distractions. You can’t get an idea of what a person is really like in a beautiful location with no outside influences. How else will you know if he thinks Rush Limbaugh has a point, she gets major road rage, or one of you is scared of frogs? All the show really teaches anyone is who cleans up nice, who plays well with others, and who is an ugly crier.

Still, it will be fun throwing snark about with someone is more sweet minded. It was least season.