Dating Advice for the Awkward

I have a lot of friends who are nerds. Not the nerd-lite that’s trendy but the reason for the stereotype. Some are fine in social situations but less optimal in romantic ones. 

Here are some of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen nerds and Aspies do when trying to woo a woman. Don’t be that guy.

Don’t Hover or Cling

This is one of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen nerds do. Attraction is not a war of attrition. You can’t make her interested by tethering yourself to her side. You can, however, make yourself seem very creepy.

Walk Away

If you’re at a bar or out with a group, talk to her for about 20-30 minutes and then find an excuse to walk away. Refill your drink, go greet a friend, or talk to someone else. If she’s still around and smiles at you when you come back, you’re in. If her face doesn’t look happy to see you again, abort the mission.

Ask Her Out

Another huge mistake I’ve seen repeated is guys who show clear interest in a woman and do nothing about it. We know what exactly you want. We’re just not interested in doing your job for you. If you’re not brave enough to ask for it, you don’t deserve to have it.

Respect Her Answer

If she says no politely, respect her answer. Remain friendly but don’t carry a torch or try to change her mind. It’s desperate and ineffectual, if not a little creepy. If she rudely rebuffs you then she wasn't that nice anyway.

Assume Her Boyfriend Is Real

I have seen guys continue to pester a woman even after she admits to having someone else in her life. One persisted even after meeting him. Assume all significant others mentioned are real. Either she’s unavailable or trying to turn you down as nicely as possible.

Learn Body Language

If you’re an Aspie or have trouble reading body language and faces, you need to learn and fast. These are some of the biggest indicators of attraction and discomfort. YouTube has an abundance of videos and I own a few books on the subject. I’m sure autism sites have resources to help with that learning curve.

Dating isn’t easy for anybody but I hope I’ve made it easier for anyone who might be ‘socially awkward.’ Good luck and may the force be with you.

Music: Dear Future Husband by Meghan Trainor

Hard of Listening

What is it with nerds and an allergy to listening?

A friend whom I’ll call Steve is interested in my friend Miranda. Steve is a quality guy and a good storyteller but he doesn’t have the best job and is around average looks. Miranda is sweet, bubbly, and very pretty. I’ve seen Miranda date a clever law student, a successful career man, and a really good looking guy none of whom stuck. Despite being very popular with the opposite sex, Miranda is enjoying being young and single.

When Steve told me he wasn’t being shy about expressing his interest, I tried to caution him away. Better men have tried and failed and I told him about really good looking guy and really clever guy. He dismissed it by saying maybe those guys were just not her type, implying the hope that he was. I threw in that she genuinely does not want a boyfriend to no avail.

If a woman cautions you against dating her friend, listen to her. She knows things you don’t and probably can’t tell you. She knows if her friend is crazy, too high maintenance for you, doesn’t want a relationship, or is not attracted to you. Ignore us at your wasted time and heartache.

The worst part is that Steve pulled a full nerd. He’s flirted before and I heard him try a barely concealed attempt at lending her something so he could see her again. At a recent MeetUp he monopolized as much of Miranda’s time as possible but he still won’t ask her out.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ask her out or back off. Attraction is not a war of attrition. Latching on to her and hoping she’ll eventually ask you out is cowardly. If you’re too scared of rejection to ask her, you don’t deserve her. If you take nothing else from this post, let it be this paragraph.

Music: Girl Like Me by Mathai

Relationship PSA: Men

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Relationship PSA: Women

I did one for the guys so it’s only fair I’m doing one for the women. Much as I hate gender stereotypes, men and women tend to differ in the same overall ways. Women are talkers, thinkers, feelers whereas men tend toward doers and grunters.

Don’t Overcomplicate Him Men are simple. They spend little or no time thinking about their feelings. A guy can sit and stare at the wall for an hour and not think about a blessed thing. He does not see any issue with this. If you must talk about feelings and where this is going, cut him a break. He may not fully understand his feelings or have the ‘emotional vocabulary’ to discuss them. Have these sorts of discussions only when necessary or not more than once a month.

Actions Speak Louder than Words This is a lesson that applies to all people but is paramount in your relationships. If he’s an inconsiderate jerk part of the time but is really apologetic and sweet when you’re mad at him, he’s an inconsiderate jerk. If he does something nice and thoughtful for you for no reason, he’s nice and thoughtful. If he says he really likes you but rarely calls you and doesn’t make much effort to see you, he doesn’t really like you.

Give Him Space Most men aren’t overly chatty. Hell, I am chatty and I still don’t have new stuff to say every day. Give him a little space on days you’re not together. Don’t text him four times and wait anxiously for a response. If he’s not responding, it’s for a reason. He can’t miss you and think about the ways you make his life better if you don’t go away. If he’s not talking to you for days at a time, please see above

Talk to Him Remember ‘men are simple?’ This means they don’t always think that hard and suck at subtle. If there is something you want, ask for it. If there’s something you want to do, say so. If there’s something that’s bothering you, don’t hint or be passive-aggressive. Tell him. You can’t get what you don’t ask for. “He should just know” only applies if you’ve said it five times before. Don’t like it? Date a woman.

Music: One of the Boys by Katy Perry

No Shoes, No Service

I heard an interesting debate on the Kane Show this morning. A listener wrote in because he went to visit his friend who just had a new baby. The house had a no-shoes rule so he left his $275 shoes at the door. When he went to leave at the end of the night the dog had chewed them. His friends are refusing to pay for a new pair. He thinks they should. Who’s right?

This is 100% on the homeowners. If they can’t afford the full $275, they should offer some financial compensation. It is their house, their rule, and their badly trained dog. Refusing to pay for what amount to their screw-up only adds insult to injury. (Freudian slip: I originally typed ass instead of add the first time which is what these people are being.)

What adds to the faux pas is that the homeowners know if their dog is a chewer. If it’s a puppy, everything is a chew toy. You should know better. If your adult dog still chews, you’ve lost enough shoes to know better. If they insist on a no-shoes policy and they have a shoe-loving dog, they need to have a safe location for guests’ shoes. If they can’t do that, they either need to rewrite the rule or stop having guests.

I’ve owned three dogs in my life none of whom had any interest in shoes. I also don’t believe in a blanket no-shoes rule. If your shoes are dirty or muddy or you stepped in crap then leave them at the door. If you want to leave them at the door, go ahead. Otherwise wipe ‘em on the mat and come on in.

I have a friend who insists everyone who enters her apartment must remove their shoes and wash their hands. If you have a new baby or the guest is or recently was ill that makes sense but for a single twenty-something, it’s a little much to ask of every guest you ever have. At least this friend will offer one-size-fits-her slippers (a moot point for large footed people but a nice gesture).

If those are the rules and it’s not my house, I will (begrudgingly) abide by them. If those rules cause harm to the property I had to leave at the door, that’s on you. If you disagree then I probably don’t need to swing by any time soon.

Current Music: Figure 8 by Ellie Goulding

What Do You Want from Me?

Most men don’t realize how little it takes to keep most women happy. 

The following applies to both genders but men tend to be much simpler. Favorite sport/movie genre, favorite beer, favorite carry-out, and you’re a great SO. Men tend to be happy knowing a woman will put up with them. 

Women are a bit more complicated but not by a lot. You just have to figure yours out.

My coworker’s SO has brought her flowers three times in the last month. When I told him she was going to get spoiled if he kept doing this, he replied “That’s the plan.” A friend of mine wants the three or four times a year at least. It’s a BFD. It can be a bouquet of carnations you grabbed at the grocery store but it’ll help keep her happy. I’m 100% neutral on flowers. Flowers are lovely and I always appreciate the gesture but if I never get them, I don’t care. I know a woman who doesn’t like flowers at all.

I would respond a lot better to a surprise that takes a little more effort or thought but was more subtle. I was coming over to my date’s house and we were probably going to grab carry-out. He surprised me with a lovely home cooked dinner. The flower-hater admitted to being the same way.

Women also require different levels of contact. One friend requires daily communication from her boyfriends. If I’ve been dating someone a while, daily contact is nice but I can’t guarantee I’ll have new and interesting things to say every day. A couple of phone calls and a few texts (on different days) a week will keep me happy. 

The levels of contact are based on the assumption that you will be seeing us on a regular basis. Again, what's regular depends on the woman. I want at least once a week. More is lovely so long as I can get things done. I know women who want more. If you can't meet her standard for regular on a given week, the expectation for contact usually goes up. If you can't see us, we expect you to talk to us to try and make up for it. This rule is suspended and open to negotiation in instances such as military deployment and certain government jobs.

If you royally screw up, a lot of women will appreciate jewelry or a fancy dinner. While I will never say no to these, I’d rather have Caps tickets. I know some women who’d rather have Ravens tickets. You have to find what speaks to her

Bottom line: We need you to make an effort. We need to know and believe you care. Prove to us that we’re important, that this is where you want to be. Getting to know us and utilizing that knowledge is part of that.

There is only one universal: Tell us we’re pretty. Mean it when you say it and don’t overuse it but by god, say it. 

Current Music: Someone Like You by Boys Like Girls