The Bachelor Workout

It's that time again! The Bachelor started this week and I'm brought it in with a bang.

I run a tally of everything that happens and then do the exercises during the commercials. After the first week, Fake Job Title will be changed to "connection." Rejected categories were 

-When the claws come out

-"Proposal"

-Welcome back (we see someone we've seen before)

-"...felt like this before"

It will get my fat butt off the couch and help me mindfully consume my media. Everyone goes on here talking about finding a spouse. One person choosing from 28 people on romantic dates only a billionaire could pull off. That's very typical.

Let's not forget, the contestants don't get books, radio, TV, internet, phones, cameras, crossword puzzles, board games, podcasts, movies, music, or any form of entertainment other than exercise and each other. Stockholm Syndrome anyone?

It's always good to mindfully consume your media. Now I'm doing that and exercising.

PopSugar Book Challenge Book 21 or Surreality TV

I'm bending the 'love triangle' rules because I've been wanting to read this. Reality dating shows have been creating love polygons for several years and The Bachelor's been doing it the longest.

I've read several 'tell alls' that didn't tell much. This wasn't one of them. Apparently Adrian Grenier is well hung and Courtney and Ben had great sexual chemistry, among other dish. Robertson did not skimp on many details including ones that made her look bad.

Editing plays a big role in who the audience sees as a villain and a good girl. A good example was when Ben announced everyone was going to Puerto Rico. In the episode, Courtney immediately said "I was just there." In reality, it was part of a normal post-toast conversation.

I maintain you have to give the choice soundbites like calling another girl a stripper but there's always more than meets the eye. I didn't realize some girls had to share a bed or how cliquey the girls were toward each other (though I'm not surprised). 

I felt like some of it was a public apology to some of the girls since she said some (not all) very nice things I doubt she meant. The rest of it was to tell her side, entertain the public, and improve her image. I appreciated her honesty about what was wrong in her relationships and the role she played.

Dating Advice for the Awkward

I have a lot of friends who are nerds. Not the nerd-lite that’s trendy but the reason for the stereotype. Some are fine in social situations but less optimal in romantic ones. 

Here are some of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen nerds and Aspies do when trying to woo a woman. Don’t be that guy.

Don’t Hover or Cling

This is one of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen nerds do. Attraction is not a war of attrition. You can’t make her interested by tethering yourself to her side. You can, however, make yourself seem very creepy.

Walk Away

If you’re at a bar or out with a group, talk to her for about 20-30 minutes and then find an excuse to walk away. Refill your drink, go greet a friend, or talk to someone else. If she’s still around and smiles at you when you come back, you’re in. If her face doesn’t look happy to see you again, abort the mission.

Ask Her Out

Another huge mistake I’ve seen repeated is guys who show clear interest in a woman and do nothing about it. We know what exactly you want. We’re just not interested in doing your job for you. If you’re not brave enough to ask for it, you don’t deserve to have it.

Respect Her Answer

If she says no politely, respect her answer. Remain friendly but don’t carry a torch or try to change her mind. It’s desperate and ineffectual, if not a little creepy. If she rudely rebuffs you then she wasn't that nice anyway.

Assume Her Boyfriend Is Real

I have seen guys continue to pester a woman even after she admits to having someone else in her life. One persisted even after meeting him. Assume all significant others mentioned are real. Either she’s unavailable or trying to turn you down as nicely as possible.

Learn Body Language

If you’re an Aspie or have trouble reading body language and faces, you need to learn and fast. These are some of the biggest indicators of attraction and discomfort. YouTube has an abundance of videos and I own a few books on the subject. I’m sure autism sites have resources to help with that learning curve.

Dating isn’t easy for anybody but I hope I’ve made it easier for anyone who might be ‘socially awkward.’ Good luck and may the force be with you.

Music: Dear Future Husband by Meghan Trainor

Love Me, Love My Media

I found a great article about how one woman refuses to date any man from the internet who doesn't admit to watching or reading something by women.

I posted this article on FB and had two major disagreements in any hour. The stand out quotes were:

"I read and watch what I like to read and watch. The gender, ethnicity, and religion of the creator don't matter to me."

"The quote "If that’s how you want this to go, that’s your call, but I’ll be over here flirting with the guy who wants to talk about how Pulp Fiction paved the way for Inglorious Basterds" would be (justifiably) ridiculed if it was said by a man."

Of course the Tarantino comparison should be ridiculed. Male directors making violent movies with almost exclusively male casts isn't anything new and the article says as much. The only thing The L Word and OITNB have in common is the lesbian relationships, hour long format, and women dominating the story. There is limited overlap in subject matter, locations, actors, broadcast format, etc. Male characters are the supporting cast and that's the rarity.

"It severely warps our sense of humanity when all the stories we absorb are ones in which men are people and women are background decoration." Of course we all primarily consume media we like but what you like is a valid factor when selecting who to have coffee with from the internet. 

But if you only like books, TV shows, and movies starring, directed by, and written by white men, you're only hearing the stories of (mostly white) men. And I say from experience, not all men can capture a female voice. We are not as conscious of our boobs as some male writers like to think we are.

If you never hear stories by people of color, people of faith (or atheism if you're religious), women or some intersection of the above, you're only hearing part of the story. An Asian immigrant woman is going to have a different point of view than a lesbian from Brooklyn or a gay man from the Bible Belt.

What bothered me was that my friends dismissed the article without really seeing the point. It's about the dominance of male voices and how that's completely normal. 

Female directors, female writers, and female lead movies are grossly underrepresented. Only one female has won an Academy Award for Best Director ever. What was the last female lead movie you saw? Can you name a movie with a female lead that realistically deals with issues women face?

Geeks have been begging for a Wonder Woman movie since The Avengers came out but the studios kept offering BS reasons why it wasn't happening. Like how men wouldn't see a female lead action movie (Lara Croft) or there'd be a lack of audience (millions of forum posts on the internet disagree). 

Fans shouldn't have to fight for media that's both wanted and needed. Batman got a reboot, Thor and Captain America got 2 movies, Iron Man got 3, Arrow and The Flash got live action TV shows before Wonder Woman gets her day in the sun. Also, can we get a little more Black Widow please?

I wouldn't call either of these guys sexist but I don't know if I'd call them feminists either. What seems fairly obvious to me clearly isn't to them. The world is doing a much better job of telling their story so it may be harder for them to see.

The big lessons to take away are:

1) Don't list too many of anything on your internet dating profile. 

Keep your list of media to 5 or 6, 10 at the absolute max. Give a sampling. When it comes to dating profiles, too much is never a good idea.

2) Be open minded. 

If a guy only lists a handful of media and they're all by men, he may deserve a chance. Maybe he just needs some help to find the right female driven show/book. And men, find some female centered media. Learning more about our lives and our voices can only be good for you.

Music: Wonder by The Doubleclicks

A 'We' Difference

My crew usually spends Friday night doing happy hour at a local dive/concert venue. The Boy and I were skipping it because a friend was having an Easter dinner party. I got a text from Monica asking if I was coming out despite the fact that she’s only gone twice in the last 6 months. I texted back that I couldn’t make but asked if she finally made it back out. Her response: “Yup. We’re here.”

I mentioned this to a single friend of mine and she rolled her eyes and made a face. Since none of my close friends are married or cohabitating yet, it’s weird to hear ‘we’ when you’re expecting ‘I.’ The single people aren’t eager to change that and most couples don’t want to fast track things. Most.

Monica has been dating her boyfriend Augustus for 11 months, not too long after The Boy and I got together. They are very happy and looking into cohabitation. He doesn’t live locally but reasonably close by. For a ‘long-distance’ couple, they don’t really see each other any less than The Boy and I do.

I think M & R got more serious faster than The Boy and I is because they desire that level of commitment more than we do. They’re the kind of couple that enjoys talking every night, spending vacations glued together, and occasionally inducing mild nausea with their cuteness.

I think the disconnect comes from the fact that Monica and Augustus are the first in our group of friends to get there. Despite doing most of our socializing together, I don’t assume the ‘we’ is implied for the couple I’m in. This is true of another couple The Boy and I usually socialize with.

It was also weird to get ‘we’ when you weren’t asking about the couple but I think it’s only a matter of time until it happens again. People are starting to pair off more and we’re all getting older. I think M & R are the canary in the coal mine. I have no idea when I’ll stop being a ‘me’ and become a ‘we’ but I’m sure it’s already started. I just can’t see it because I’m already in the mine with the canary.

Lego My Highway. She Means Business.

I forgot to add this conversation that happened last weekend to the blog until just now. The Boy and I were driving to NOVA from MD which involves driving on DC’s highways.

I get into my lane just as someone decides he should be there as well. I lay on my horn but this does nothing to discourage his movement. I back off so there isn’t an accident on a shoulder-less highway and he cuts across 3 more lanes of traffic.

Once I had full control of the car and I knew we wouldn’t die in a massive conflagration, I reverted to my usual ‘idiots drive among us’ mental state:

Me: “Fuck off and die in a car fire you twatmonkey!”

The Boy: (no reaction)

Me: “I hope you step on a bunch of Legos in the dark!”

The Boy: “Ow!”

Me: “Seriously? ‘Die in a car fire’ and you don’t blink but ‘step on Legos’ and suddenly I mean business?

Yup, this is my relationship.

Case of the Mondays

The Boy is moving on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. I spent this weekend helping him pack stuff up. We finally tackled his closet today. When we first started going out we spent a very long time doing a wardrobe update that was long overdue. I think it needs to be supplemented even more because we had this conversation:

Boy: Where’s the blue polo shirt?

Me: Somewhere in the pile of folded shirts. I left you a black one or an orange one for work on Monday.

Boy: But the blue shirt is my Monday shirt.

Me: Seriously?

Boy: Yes, I wear the blue shirt on Mondays.

Me: I can’t tell if you’re serious or trying to sound like Sheldon Cooper

Boy: That is a little neurotic isn’t it?

Me: After you move we are so going shopping.

Music: Stay the Night feat. Hayley Williams by Zedd

Good in Goodbye

I know someone, Bella, who was very in love with her boyfriend, Edward. They’d been almost 2 years and things were serious.

Edward’s lease was up in the spring and they had talked about moving in together. They had discussed wedding plans with both families and hoped to do it in 2014. The bridesmaids had been chosen and number of children discussed. Bella didn’t buy any plane tickets home (1,000 miles away) for Thanksgiving or Christmas because they were doing the holidays with his family (VA). She called him her Prince Charming. A lot.

Bella had a big work project that was very stressful and hectic. She'd been working on it for months. The day after it was over Edward broke up with her.

If there were problems, no one ever knew about it, possibly not even Bella. She was completely blindsided. The day before they’d been discussing Thanksgiving plans. My heart breaks for her. She not only has to grieve over a lost love but a lost future she was promised.

Despite the pain she’s in now, I have no doubt she’ll be better for it. Life has been very good to her so she hasn’t had the experiences that break us down and make us grow. I think she will learn a lot, especially about herself, and be stronger for it. When she finally gets to happy again, I have every faith she’ll meet someone who will deserve her.

Edward was never the perfect boyfriend. He dragged his feet about committing because he wanted to keep dating other people. While stringing her along, Edward neglected to mention this to Bella. He would make jokes to be edgy and shocking. It was never anything but awkward, especially for Bella. While Bella thought he was handsome, she was kind of it. Edward was definitely dating up.

I’m in a weird place because I’m not that close to Bella. I’d like to do something but I don’t know what. At the very least I’ll send her a nice note. I'm sending good juju her way.

Music: Good in Goodbye by Carrie Underwood

Wedding Weekend

One of The Boy’s cousins got married last Friday. In was in upstate New York where most of his family is based. His mom has 10 siblings, 8 of whom have children. Most of those families are not only children families and many of those children are on to having kids of their own. As an only child who isn’t close to her extended family, that was a lot of people.

We crashed with his Uncle Joel and Aunt Monica. Their daughters Kim and Callie, around my age, still lived at home. They were incredibly kind and showed love as many families do, with food. Monica and Kim had very big personalities and enjoyed the company. The Boy’s sister older Bonnie and her son Marvin were staying with other relatives. His parents and other sister were staying at a nearby hotel.

The happy couple was Elle who was marrying Craig. Her parents were Aunt Anna, Uncle Marc, and Anna’ second husband whose name escapes me. Elle’s matron of honor was her sister Nina whose husband Dan was a groomsman. Dina was also a bridesmaid and her sisters, Vera and Sandy (plus her husband) were there. Randall played guitar, Bruce was a character, Cam was lovely, and Tony was there with his wife Kourtney and they are expecting a baby boy in a couple of months. Aunt Nora, Uncle Sam, Aunt Linda, Uncle Gordon, Aunt Beatrice were all very welcoming. Connor, Farrah, and Maya are all the youngest of the bunch not having hit high school yet.

If that sounds complicated factor in that I’m trying to remember enough real names to make up passable pseudonyms. All the real names are so damn normal it was hard to keep straight. There was even overlap between a blood uncle and one who married in. I was really hoping for a Gertrude or a Hamish.

I met most of them at the wedding which made it even more complicated to keep it all straight. I knew a few going in but Aunt Nina enjoyed hearing The Boy give me a who’s who before there ceremony started. Almost all the relatives knew me from Facebook since I regularly post pictures of our antics. I think the relatives who didn’t recognize me from FB were fewer than 5.

The ceremony included rings and hand fasting which is an ancient pagan tradition I love. The officiant was a woman which was also neat. The bouquet toss was rigged but I’m fine with that. A cousin I don’t think I met just got engaged and Callie will be moving in with her boyfriend in January so The Boy and I aren’t on the radar yet.

I wish I’d spent more than 5 minutes talking to Elle and Craig; I’m sure I would have liked them. They cut the cake with his grandfather’s military dress sword and Craig said “This is not the red wedding. You are all safe.” I looked at The Boy and said I’d marry him for his family.

I showed up with The Boy and I basically got a whole new set of relatives. Everyone was happy I was making The Boy happy and just seemed to glad to have me.

Saturday was lunch at a German deli with Gordon, Beatrice, their young daughter Maya, Bonnie, her son Marvin, The Boys folks, and his sister who lives near us. Then we went back to The Boy’s parent’s suite to watch Aliens with immediate family. Before heading over to Gordon’s for dinner we wandered around a sort-of mall with crafty shops. Dinner at Gordon’s had the same crowd from earlier plus Aunt Linda, Farrah, and Aunt Nina to the mix. Gordon and Beatrice had meatballs, homemade gnocchi, eggplant lasagna and salad. I have learned socializing with this family requires at least 4 kinds of cheese at any event.

It took until Saturday night for me to get overwhelmed. At Gordon’s I was texting a friend and went into the TV room. I heard people notice I was gone and I texted The Boy I was hiding. I love his family but I needed a break. The 10 minute respite was enough to get me through dinner and dessert, both of which were delicious.

There was a briefly awkward moment when I thought his uncle would get into a political discussion. I finished breakfast quickly and discovered being a voting and registered independent is OK. Driving there and back with The Boy forced me to do something I had never done before. Let someone else drive my car.

The Boy did just fine and since we’re not too different in height, moved my mirrors minimally (say that 5 times fast). Traffic was never bad and the drive was good. Not once did The Boy or I have to fight the urge to kill each other. Our relationship is good and we have many plans for November. Plans for this week largely center on resting and doing very little.

Music: Now by SHeDAISY

Hard of Listening

What is it with nerds and an allergy to listening?

A friend whom I’ll call Steve is interested in my friend Miranda. Steve is a quality guy and a good storyteller but he doesn’t have the best job and is around average looks. Miranda is sweet, bubbly, and very pretty. I’ve seen Miranda date a clever law student, a successful career man, and a really good looking guy none of whom stuck. Despite being very popular with the opposite sex, Miranda is enjoying being young and single.

When Steve told me he wasn’t being shy about expressing his interest, I tried to caution him away. Better men have tried and failed and I told him about really good looking guy and really clever guy. He dismissed it by saying maybe those guys were just not her type, implying the hope that he was. I threw in that she genuinely does not want a boyfriend to no avail.

If a woman cautions you against dating her friend, listen to her. She knows things you don’t and probably can’t tell you. She knows if her friend is crazy, too high maintenance for you, doesn’t want a relationship, or is not attracted to you. Ignore us at your wasted time and heartache.

The worst part is that Steve pulled a full nerd. He’s flirted before and I heard him try a barely concealed attempt at lending her something so he could see her again. At a recent MeetUp he monopolized as much of Miranda’s time as possible but he still won’t ask her out.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ask her out or back off. Attraction is not a war of attrition. Latching on to her and hoping she’ll eventually ask you out is cowardly. If you’re too scared of rejection to ask her, you don’t deserve her. If you take nothing else from this post, let it be this paragraph.

Music: Girl Like Me by Mathai

Love You Like a Love Song

Watching various friends and Facebook acquaintances pair off or upgrade their relationships, has gotten me thinking.

I knew a girl, Courtney, a couple of years ago who got a serious boyfriend. Whenever you got her or the boyfriend alone, they were cool individuals and you could get a sense of them as a person. But put them together and you couldn’t get to know either of them. They were so wrapped up in each other they stopped being individuals and became some super-couple.

I’ve watched friends fall crazy stupid in love. One friend, Carrie, did it with a guy we all barely tolerated. He wasn’t especially nice or likeable and we all knew she could have done better. She was so crazy about him we were afraid to be honest with how we felt until it was over. An old high school friend regularly gushes about how her perfect fiancee is just like Prince Charming. A lot.

Kelly Clarkson seems to have hopped on this bandwagon as well. One of the songs from her Christmas album is called subtitled Brandon’s Song and another is called 4 carats. In an award acceptance speech she talked about her wonderful fiancée and her last single is Tie It Up about them tying the knot. From the outside, she appears to be over the moon head over heels crazy stupid in love.

I lost my ability to adore the person I was with so completely you ignored major flaws after my college relationship ended. The relationship was deeply flawed but I didn’t want to see it for a long time. I forwent so many social activities for him that I didn’t have much waiting for when it all ended.

Since then I’ve had trouble understanding the women who make their relationship their center and their everything. I’m curious about women whose quest for love drives them because frankly, I don’t get it.

I’ve had more than my college relationship put a damper on my idea of happily ever after. As much as I adore The Boy, I don’t see myself ever being completely over the moon head over heels shout it from the rooftops can I get an amen crazy stupid in love. I’d like to understand that feeling and mentality better.

I know the root varies from woman to woman. Some women have marriage as a life goal to the point where the groom is a placeholder, not a complete person. Other women are desperate to be loved or hate being single and seek a relationship for validation. Some women just love with their whole selves and either lack the fear of rejection or won’t be ruled by it. Others subscribe to the soul mate theory.

I’m curious to find out about the psychology behind women in relationships and the social expectation. Where does the Prince Charming ideal come from and why are we so keen to hang on to it? How can someone be hopelessly in love while the other person is just fond of them? What is going on in the brain that lets love and obsession happen? Where is the line between love, infatuation, and obsession and how does it get crossed?

Music: Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson