Unpopular Opinion: Sweet People Need to STFU Sometimes

This was partially inspired by a reddit thread and a few actual events. Most people who know me don’t read this but just in case, I apologize in advance if I offend any of you.

I think the world needs kind people with sweet, sensitive souls. Life is hard and ugly and sometimes we need a reminder of its sweeter side. I especially respect these people if life has been hard on them and they are still this way. It’s remarkable.

That said, I have a hard time taking life advice from people to whom life has been kind. If nothing major has ever gone wrong for you or nobody has died on you, keep your life advice to yourself.

Both of your parents are alive, well, and happily married. Mazel tov. We spent the Christmas I was 13 trying to figure out my father’s funeral.

Your grandparents are alive? That’s beautiful to have so many generations around to spread love and celebrate. One of them has hints of dementia? That’s terrible.

I spent most of my twenties helping my mother deal with my grandfather’s immobility, dementia, nursing homes that stole his cookies, his total disconnect with reality, and failing health. I got a lovely preview of coming attraction for when it eventually happens to her. Did you know people with dementia can be very ugly and spiteful? I do!

I’m really glad your extended family can come together, stays in touch, and just straight up loves each other.

My mom’s sister was 12 sorts of useless when it came to caring for my grandfather. She didn’t speak to my mother for several years while we got to deal with the fun times. Did you know my grandfather’s wife slowly stole money from him and wrote all his grandchildren out of his will? Or that the son she stole said money for didn’t do a goddamn thing when his mother was dying? That fell to my mom. And by golly was he horrible to my mom.

Your secure career with excellent pay and benefits is stressful. Please tell me more.

I’ve never had one of those so I don’t know what it’s like. It’s actually quite fun to guess if you’re going to have enough money for bills when they come due. Who doesn’t love going on interviews and not hearing back? How about that delightful moment when you realize how much cheaper your life would be if you had benefits like transit subsidy, healthcare, and the extra income you’re not making as a temp?

Of course I want to hear about the problems in your romantic life. I’m very single so I get to live vicariously through you.

We all want to find someone to love us but it’s really fucking hard, for some of us. Hey, it’s not like I’m the ugly friend and most guys only acknowledge me to get to you. Oh, wait… It’s really reassuring to hear you tell me I’m pretty. No one else seems to think so but I’ll keep being in denial about popular opinion and hope that doesn’t eventually seep in and destroy my confidence.

You think depression is like being sad and don’t want to deal with the negativity? That’s cute.

I’m going to be in the corner hoping my crippling despair subsides enough for me to do laundry. Hey, who doesn’t enjoy routinely contemplating the pointlessness of their existence? I would love to ‘choose happiness’ but my brain will not allow that to happen. It’s really great when nobody around you understands and doesn’t particularly want to know you’ve got these problems. Maybe I can make it through the weekend without acting on the urge to kill myself. We’ll find out.

Now I’m not in the ugly depressed place right now but that has been my reality before and may very well be my reality again. I’m also not single anymore but if I was out with my friends, I was the grenade the guy had to jump on to get to the hot chick. Forever alone folks, your pain is not alien to me. A lot of this is in my past but it has toughened me up.

When life has been a bitch to you, getting life advice from someone who hasn’t been there but thinks they know what they’re talking about is remarkably condescending. People with kids don’t want to hear advice to someone without them. Dog people don’t want to hear suggestions from people who have never owned dogs. Tourists don’t give directions.

I don’t want to offend the softies out there but I’m not the only one thinking this. If you want to be supportive, by all means do it. People in hard situations need all the support we can get. Just keep your audience in mind before you talk and respect that you don’t know their experience. 

Times They Are A-Changing, A LOT

I have hopefully maxed out on life changes for the month of August. In the span on one month, I’ve:

-Started a new job

-Learned a new commute

-Moved into a new apartment

-Moved in with BF

-Moved to a different state

-Had a relative pass

My grandfather’s health had taken a nosedive recently. He went into the ICU for pneumonia and other ailments. My mother was hesitant to call me until an ER nurse and ICU doctor told her he might not make it through the night. He had only been able to swallow liquids since. He lasted longer than any of us expected but passed away yesterday afternoon. For the first time in my life, I have no grandparents.

Grieving for an ailing person is an odd thing. You spend a lot of the time they’re alive grieving for who they once were and the life they once had that by the time their suffering is over, you’re kind of relieved. While I’m not glad for his passing, he was mostly blind, mostly deaf, immobile, and lost the last pleasure he had in life, food. I’m glad he’s no longer miserable (his words).

Due to the lack of large furniture (two dressers, one bed), the move was “one of the smoothest I’ve ever seen” to quote on helper. I’m missing at least one box of books and clothes but I’m stopping by my mom’s house this weekend to grab some stuff that wasn’t included in round one. I’m excited to start this phase of my life and relationship. I’ve got most of my clothes put away and realized that I need to cut down my wardrobe again. BF is not overly pleased with 1/3 of a closet.

Bookshelves have been ordered and were shipped recently so I look forward to getting those assembled. BF is still getting his computer and such set up but we’ve cut down on a lot of the boxes in our apartment. Our kitchen is 1-2 boxes away from completely unpacked. We know the couch and chair we want, we just have to order it. I need to change residency but I’ll worry about that after I make it through this week.

The new job is contracting for a place in MoCo. I’m not fulltime currently but have in writing that it is being considered. A friend of mine sent my resume to her boss and we had a phone interview. She got back to me to let me know that the perfect resume for the position came through and it went to someone else. I could tell she genuinely felt bad about not being able to hire me so when she asked to keep my resume on file, I said “Of course.”

Fast forward to a few weeks later and I get an email about a new position. I get some details and say yes. I was going to wait to announce the assignment but the friend who submitted my resume got an email about me joining the team that day. I like the work and I like the people. It’s a bit solitary but I felt like an equal from day one so I’m not going to complain.

Now that I have more expenses, my desire and time to shop has decreased exponentially. I really want a couch and being a contractor is not a guarantee. The budget could get cut and my job could disappear (again) so I want to save as much as can if the worst happens (again). I'm hoping for the best but the employment worst has happened before and could happen again.

Life Is Happening

Things are changing but somethings appear to be staying the same.

First, the good news: Boyfriend and I got the apartment we applied for. We will be moving in next month. I've already started the process of moving some of my things into his apartment since I'm over there a lot. It's not like I'm going to read all 600 of my books in the next month and a half.

Since I've got the challenge, I'm fishing from a somewhat small pond. This doesn't mean I haven't found ways around it. Both Jen Doll and Courtney Robertson's book weren't originally planned but I realized they worked for those categories. That came in handy since I had nothing for 'love triangle' on my own.

It's going to be a big change for both of us but we're excited. I feel like my life has been on hold since college and I'm done waiting. I'm ready to get started.

The bad news: The best lead I had on a job fell through. A friend submitted my resume to her boss for a temp-to-perm position at her job. I spoke with Boss Lady on the phone last week and she was very nice. We got on well and she told me she'd let me know next week. I heard back yesterday. A candidate applied with the ideal experience for a new project they've got.

She couldn't hire me and I could tell she genuinely felt bad about it. They're keeping my resume on file but it's not a huge company and a position would have to open up. I can't bank on that. I applied for a few position already this morning (thanks insomnia) but I don't want to set my future rent payments on maybe.

When Boyfriend and I get back from the family trip in August and get moved in, I'll apply at Costco. What do you do with a BA in English? Not a helluva lot it turns out.

Current Music: Drop Dead Cynical by Amaranthe

The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same

Remember that new temp gig that had permanent possibility? The one that paid more money than I've previously made? That lasted 3 days.

There were a few valid reasons but it's disappointing because I let myself want to work there. It was a nonprofit making changes I actually care about. I let myself want this or think it could be something good. I feel like a colossal fool.

On Tuesday I turned down 2 different gigs since I thought this one was going somewhere. By my dismissal on Wednesday, they were filled. I turned down free tickets to a Mumford & Sons concert because I thought I had to get up early for work the next morning.

I really should have known better. It's not my life unless something is going seriously wrong. That's not me being self-pitying. It's just true. Cancer ridden parent growing up, manipulative boyfriend who helped kill my social life in college, extended periods of unemployment. I've got great friends and a wonderful boyfriend but I remain a cautionary tale for anyone who dare study liberal arts. I guess my purpose in life is to make other people feel better about their life choices.

I got an email yesterday about a phone interview today. I said I was very free and asked what time worked best for them. I haven't heard anything back. Who wants to take bets on if and when I hear back from them? As much as I'd like to work there and would rock at the job, I'm not feeling optimistic. That's just how things go for me.

Now for a Little Something Different

I got a call last Thursday from a staffing agency based in New Jersey. They wanted to submit my resume for an interesting position with an important cause for good pay. I said “Of course” and immediately brushed it off. I had no expectations of hearing anything back except “No.” Sitting in my car after the call I realized this is what giving up looks like.

No one was more surprised than me when I got a call on Friday when I got the gig. I remember thinking, “Wait. Is this allowed?” Because the universe has a sick sense of humor, I finally got a call from one staffing agency that kept me busy last time but let me down this go around. They wanted me to do an interview next week. The same week I was supposed to start the new temp gig.

There’s a lot of training that still has to happen and I only vaguely understand what’s going on but I really like the cause and change the nonprofit is trying to do. It’s something I can absolutely get behind but I lack a lot of relevant experience. I was pretty shocked when my manager gave a suggestion that this could be permanent. I think the interview might be helping my cause. I have no expectations going in but it would be nice to have more time to think about my situation before things went from a depressing 0 to an immediate 60.

At this point, I’m just hoping for something good that I won’t royally screw up.

10 Year Reminder I've Failed To Do Anything with My Life

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I said back when I first heard rumblings about it that I wouldn’t go unless I was working. I’ve had one interview in 2 months. I heard a little bit from the agencies today but I’m not optimistic.

My job search has been so abysmal this time around that my plan is to move to NOVA in August and try to get a job at Costco. One friend said "Well, it's just until something better comes along." I didn't have the heart to tell her that by doing that, I've admitted to myself that I've given up on better coming along. Four years of college and I can go back to working retail. I feel like such a wunderkind.

In addition to my complete lack of success as a member of the human race, tickets for the reunion are also $60 a pop. You get a commemorative wine glass and part of it’s a donation but that’s still a lot of money for not a lot of party. It’s at the high school from 4-6 cookout style.

My unemployment payment is at a record low. I think the woman deliberately screwed me because I forgot to mention I got one week’s severance much like she forgot to ask. When she came back to talk to me about it, she treated me like I was deliberately lying to her. I genuinely forgot because unemployment took their sweet time getting in touch. By the time I finally heard from someone, that severance was gone.

I’m not interested in spending $60 or $120 I don’t have. I can feel like just as much of a failure elsewhere for free. My depression is making sure of that. It’s not the worst it’s ever been but I recently had a dream where I deliberately took an entire month’s worth of anti-depressants with the intention of taking my own life. That was new and it’s not good. Something has to change and soon.

Back on the Hunt

I am very confident that I will be spending considerably less money in April than I did in March. Why am I so confident? I lost my job on Monday then got a parking ticket.

Lack of income will be a helluva motivator to not spend any money.

I had the job for 6 months and it ultimately turned out not to be a good fit. I knew it and my boss knew it. I left graciously but disappointed in the now missing income.

I’ve got a great recruiter friend helping me work my previous job into my new resume. I have several friends with their ears to the ground. I’ve got half a dozen staffing agencies I’m ready to reach out to once my resume is ready to roll. I’ve got a loving and supportive partner and family. 

I’ve pitched a few story ideas and plan on reaching out to someone regarding possible freelancing gigs. I’m not overly optimistic but I’m trying. I’m hoping to finish and polish up a short story that came to me last week. I’m hoping to possible submit that somewhere for publication when it’s ready.

I currently have no debt to my name and no plans to add to it unnecessarily. My con last con registration has been paid so I have no major expenses coming up. I’m in a better financial place than I was last time but I don’t relish being back on the hunt. It’s stressful but I can only hope it’s not for too long this time.

I’ve recently realized that I’m getting to the place where I don’t need to buy everything right away. I want to read Amy Poehler’s book and I was waiting for it in paperback but I decided that I’d rather get it from the library and buy it if/when I want to reread it. Less stuff, less spending.

I have no idea what will happen now. I learned several skills in a different industry and can hopefully apply those skills to my new search. We’ll see what happens now.

The Cost of Temping

When your friends all have full time jobs and you're a temp, some of the differences of those situations become glaring. While I'm always glad to be working, being a temp is more expensive than most people realize.

I get paid less money

A temp automatically makes less than a full time staff person for the same job because the company has to pay the temp as well as the staffing agency. The temp gets vetted, has access to a variety of organizations, and makes good contacts but we don't make as much as full-timers until we get hired. Clearly this has yet to happen to me.

I pay for my own health insurance

I opted for a PPO which is a little higher than an HMO but I have a relationship with my doctors. Most staffing agencies offer health insurance but some only offer it if you're working. I'm with ~7 agencies so I want to be able to choose the place that offers me work.

Most full time jobs either pay for some or all of your insurance. Your rates are usually discounted and your coverage is better. You're also not getting price gouged $50 a month for your weight despite the lack of any relevant medical condition.

No transit subsidy

All of my metro costs come out of my pocket. My current gig is under what I usually like to be making and the recent metro fare hikes took a big hit on my wallet. Since the service hasn't improved, I've tried to catch a few free rides to save money.

I don't get paid leave

If I'm sick, have a doctor's appointment, or take a trip, I don't get paid. If metro has a problem and I'm an hour late, it's an hour off my pay check. I try to take shorter lunch breaks just so I can get paid for that 30 minutes.

If you're on an assignment, no one will touch you

If I'm currently working, no one from any of the other agencies will offer me work. Ditching one assignment for another from a different agency wouldn't do wonders for my reputation either. The agency currently giving me the assignment doesn't work that hard to find me a future assignment until my current gig is basically over. I still apply for full time positions but, once again, that clearly hasn't come through for me.

I don't know when I'll work again

When an assignment ends, I apply like crazy and get in touch with all the other agencies. However, despite my best efforts,  I can't magically make work appear. When my current assignment is done in a couple of weeks, I don't know if and when I'll find another.

I can collect unemployment but that is always less than what I was making before. It never lessens the ever-present anxiety that comes with not working. You can't relax and enjoy it if you don't know if you'll be sitting around for a week or two months.

Being a temp is not easy financially or psychologically. I will have been doing it for a year this November. I am definitely ready for a full time job.

Cold Iron

Back in April I had 2 interviews, both with potential to be something good and both turned into nothing. I know for a fact one of them liked me and were impressed; I was just overqualified for the position they had (my friend Melissa works there so not my words).

Another opportunity at Melissa's job arose. I know I could do this job and do it pretty damn well. Because of my previous contact with them I was able to submit my resume directly to HR on Sunday night. I haven't heard anything and that's not surprising (yet). 

Each place has their own routine of compiling resumes, meeting with the department to decide who to interview, etc. I can never guess the time so I don't know if/when to expect to hear back. This is the best shot I've had at a full time job since I've been unemployed.

Melissa loves this job and raves about what a greatplace it is. Free food, casual dress code, liberal vacation policy, etc. I'm incredibly nervous right now. I want this job but I also don't want to let myself want it too much. I have a decent track record of having good interviews and no responses.

I've also got an interview with another place they want to schedule for this week. It would be a long-term temp assignment with the possibility of perm. An entirely different staffing agency is submitting me for another position. I heard from the nonprofit I was with for 4 months about a short term thing but I'm on an assignment. Clearly I'm at least somewhat employable.

I'd love to get the full time job with Melissa's company and either position wouldn't be a bad back-up for the few months they're supposed to last. I have several irons in the fire but I've been in this exact place before. I was here in December and I was here in April and the only thing I've got to show for it are cold irons. 

I can't silence my inner pessimist as completely as I did before. As much as I want this to work out, I'm bracing myself for it to all come to nothing. I've seen this happen too many times before to not be ready for that again. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

Music: So Cold by Breaking Benjamin

See It To Believe It

I was poking around BuzzFeed in between searching the world for job postings (CareerBuilder, LinkedIn, and sent a follow up email for another job I applied for. So there.) They had two videos about unemployment. 

One was alarmingly depressing facts considering I’m with half a dozen staffing agencies and I’m still just getting radio silence on all of those fronts.

The other one had actors demonstrating what is basically my life right now. So much truth.

Music: Never Had by Oscar Isaac

Take a Chance on Me

I just called about a phone interview I had on 5/22. It was for a branch of an organization that does a lot of meeting and conference planning. This is some of the things I’ve done in the past that I’ve really enjoyed.

I sent a follow up ‘nice to talk to you’ email the Monday after the interview and called today. I hate figuring out where the balance is between interested and desperate since it’s different for every organization. This organization has come up more than once in my search and I think I could do really well there. I just need them to take a chance.

I’ve already drafted a ‘here’s why I really want this position’ email since it’s literally what I want to do more of with my career. Things have been very dry since I stopped working at NCAF (just ask unemployment). I’ve called 5 staffing agencies this morning and I’m going slightly crazy from boredom.

At least I have project manager training classes, a bunch of errands, two restless dogs, and a few hundred books to keep me occupied in between searches. Ugh, I’m ready to be working and doing something with myself again.

Music: Lass jetzt los (Let It Go German Version) by Willemijn Verkaik

Update: I heard back. They sent me a generic 'no thanks' email. New week, new month, same old crap.

Dos and Don’ts of Unemployed Friends

I have one friend who is looking into buying a house, an old college friend who just bought a house, another who is about to get a new place with her boyfriend, and I helped a friend move into a new place with roommates recently. While I’m excited for all my friends, it’s really hard since my life has completely stalled.

I had no interviews, form letters, or short term temp gigs last week. My spidey sense tells me this week isn’t going to be much better. None of my friends are going through this so it’s even harder because if you can’t see it, it’s not real.

Lacking a steady paycheck for 6 months has taught me that a lot of people want to help but don’t know how. This list is mostly don’ts because the dos aren’t that complicated.

DON’T say ‘I told you so’ about anything. Ever.

We remind ourselves daily that we picked the wrong internship/college major/job. You piling on is a recipe for resentment.

DON’T talk about how a negative attitude begets negative results.

I can name 2 times I thought I nailed the interview and had the job. I’m still listening to radio silence regardless of my attitude. Applying for jobs is also incredibly discouraging. We are allowed a little negativity especially when our gainfully employed friends say condescending platitudes about our attitudes.

DON’T send us jobs we don’t want.

I’m willing to look at any job anyone sends me but there are some jobs I know I don’t want. You know us so you know we’ll hate nights and weekends/cold calling customers/selling people crap we wouldn’t buy/we’re not qualified for. I majored in English, don’t send me jobs that require a few years of working in finance. If you wouldn’t do it or accept the salary, don’t send it to us.

DON’T try to compare your own experience if you haven’t been there.

If you’ve got a career, don’t talk to someone your own age about how you know what it’s like. If you’re not there now, weren’t there recently, or were but for ~2 weeks, you don’t get it. By all means, say other things to make us feel better but if you haven’t been where we are, you don’t get it. Saying you get it is about as condescending as commenting on our attitude.

DON’T rant endlessly about how stressful your job is.

You can talk about work. We recognize you have a life and right to complain. All jobs will be stressful at times and friends listen. Friends don’t spend 10 solid minutes on how stressful work is to the unemployed person. You know what’s more stressful? Not knowing where or when your next paycheck is coming from and knowing you’ve got bills to pay.

DO recommend job boards. 

There’s a good chance you’ve heard of something we haven’t. I found out about a new one last week. This is general, helpful, and proactive.

DO send us jobs we’d realistically like.

Send me things that play to my skill set or fit with what I’ve said I want to do. You know our background, you know our abilities so you have a better idea than some what we can do.

DO refer us for jobs or to friends.

You want to help? Put your money where your mouth is. We need all the help we can get and knowing people is always better than applying cold.

DO respect our desire not to talk about it.

Finding a job is stressful, frustrating, and all around miserable. It sucks. There is no circumstance in which it does not suck. Sometimes we don’t want to talk  or think about it. If we’re out and I say I don’t want to talk about it, I want to forget about it and enjoy this time not sitting at home willing the phone to ring.

Music: From the Inside by Linkin Park

Square Zero

I heard back about Job 1 and they decided to pass. They asked some detailed questions in the interview and seemed fairly formal. That feeling was spot on because they thought I was ‘too casual’ and ‘wasn’t consistent with why I left my last job.’

The ‘not consistent’ thing feels a little BS to me since it came up twice and my answer only changed in the wording. If I was too casual, I have no idea how. Maybe I didn’t ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ them enough. I’ll grant they’re important people doing good work. I’m still over people who need their own importance validated by not being spoken to like people.

I haven’t heard back about Job 2. If I heard back there’s a good chance I’d say yes but if I hear anything from them I’ll be surprised. I can almost guarantee they’ll pass as well. I’m back to square zero. 

It’s ironic I was making myself crazy over what to do when it turns out I was worrying for nothing. Nobody was going to say yes. I could really use a winning lottery ticket so I can be all sorts of done with this non-stop searching and anxiety. 

Music: Holdin’ Out for a Hero by Octopodes 

First Interview

Walking into Job 2 was like walking onto another planet. People use the casual dress code to be oh-so-stylish. The space is very open, definitely into aesthetics, and people were getting massages near the break area. It felt like one of those 'jobs you wish you had' from whatever HBO show is en vogue.

You bet your ass I was intimidated. The fact that most of the staff is thin, pretty, and could be on that HBO show didn't help. My version of cute rain boots would wind up being hunter camo since that's all that comes in my size. You have no idea how relieved I was to see someone over 40 and a couple of women who eat carbs.

One of the largely indistinguishable pretty girls actually said "Can you just repeat an outfit once?" To one of her friends.

One of the things that was emphasized was how I would have to be part time for a year before anything _could_ happen. They promoted so much from within there are no jobs left that need filling. They also can't promise they could do anything else with me once the year is over.

Some of the interview people said exactly what I've heard before: they worried I'd be bored. I also had to be honest about my concerns regarding money. I'm skeptical a 30 hour a week job would pay me enough to move forward with my life. If it was offered to me I’m not sure I’d take it. I’ve got another interview tomorrow so we’ll see what happens.

Sliding Doors

I am currently up for consideration for 2 jobs. Both interviews are this week and this presents a very real dilemma.

Job 1: I'd be going in as a temp-to-perm admin for an important person for a moderately sized private sector organization. The permanent baseline salary is what I was making at my last permanent job and peaks $6,000 above it. The benefits are good, a friend works nearby, and she confirmed they promote from within. The commute would be on metro and located not too far from The Boy. It would be a traditional work environment.

Job 2: An up and coming tech company with a casual dress code, no set number on vacation days, frequent free food, and a Ping pong table, it's a much less traditional workspace. The job would be 30 hours a week as a front desk person with a close friend working in another department. The last 2 people who did the job have been promoted, one is due for another promotion based on her skills. The commute would be driving on one of the worst rush hours in the area. However, I've seen several positive articles about it as a work place.

Job 2 could be like one gig I had where I just felt "I am not pretty or sophisticated enough to work here" the entire time. (My friend says the entire sales staff looks like Barbies.) Job 1 could feel too stuffy and structured. Job 2 could take so long to do anything with me I could go stir crazy or the lack of money could cause real problems. Job 1 could be very impersonal.

Both have growth potential and promote from within. Both have people I like right there. Both may say "No thanks" and I'm making myself crazy over nothing.

If both say yes, I really wish I could Sliding Doors my life and see what happens. What do I do?

Music: Shatter Me (feat. Lzzy Hale) by Lindsey Stirling

Back on the Hunt

My temp assignment ended with a nice lunch and a present. I really liked the group I was working with and they didn’t want to see me go but their board said no. The work had died down so I understood. I’m glad I was so loved but that’s hard to put on a resume.

What’s really been difficult is how I’ve spent the last 5 years waiting for my life to start. Because of this crap economy and my lack of a super-specific professional niche knowledge, my career trajectory resembles the 1929 stock market. It’s even harder because I have friends who are younger than me whose careers are on the right path. 

I know I’m not the only person my age with this problem but, until recently,  I was the only person my age with this problem that I knew. No matter how true the numbers are, they offer little comfort when they don’t apply to your life.

The staffing agencies help but their more interested in their bottom dollar than my future. When I’m on an assignment and not immediately available, I don’t get many calls. 

My friend recommended me to a receptionist type job at her office (it had a fancy title but that's what it boiled down to). It isn’t full time but the last few people who have done it went on to other jobs in the company. Another friend from college gave my resume to her HR department. It’s a good feeling to know that I am employable and people will stick their necks out for me.

I hope I end up where I’m supposed to be soon. This waiting around stuff got old 3 years ago.

Disposable People

My morning has been un-freaking-believable. I get a call from a staffing agency yesterday about how they have a one day and am I interested? Definitely. I get all my things ready to go downtown tomorrow morning.

I woke up at 3:30 and didn’t fall back asleep until I had less than an hour before my alarm so I was off to a great start. I drove my car to metro since a full day at work would have me going straight into my evening plans. I get downtown 15 minutes early. I sat in the lobby for 30 minutes waiting to either be collected or told I could go upstairs.

Normally they collect their temps right away or send them up so this was unusual. Near the 45 minute mark I finally get sent upstairs. I find the office and about 3 seconds after I get there someone comes in and starts talking to the woman who informs me “I need a minute.” You’ve kept me waiting for 45, what’s another one. I wait in the hall until I’m beckoned and introduce myself. She has no idea who I am.

She didn’t check her email after noon the day before (or that morning apparently) and it takes a second for her to figure out why I’m there. Once she does, she tells me that it’s supposed to be the last day for all the temps and they probably won’t need me.

So I had to wait around for 45 minutes and schlepped downtown for nothing all because you can’t check your email? I’m pissed because I came all the way downtown and changed metro lines during rush hour and I’m not even going to get paid. It was the first the staffing agency heard of that need being over.

My options are pay the $5 to free my car from metro or figure out what to do in DC for 8 hours with leftovers in my backpack. I attempted to kill time but finally just admitted defeat and came home in time to watch the US lost to stupid Canada. 

I'm really fucking tired of being treated like I'm disposable. My last full time job made sure we knew we were replaceable. My 'indefinite' temp assignment didn't even terminate my position themselves. The client today couldn't be bothered to check their email or deal with me for the better part of an hour. I'm trying to stay positive but's it's really hard when I keep being treated like I'm someone employers just throwaway. Today ranks pretty damn high on the suck-o-meter.

Out of Work, Low on Hope

I had a temporary assignment that would have had me working until the end of March. I left it for another temporary assignment that had no definitive end date and the last person had been there a year. I really liked the group of people I was working with at the first temporary place but I wanted to sign on with the steady pay check. Now I think I made a huge mistake.

My indefinite temporary position was just canceled. I was lead to believe I’d be here longer than a few weeks. They added my name to the birthday calendar, set up regular meetings, gave me projects for a conference they have next week. They had me helping plan a baby shower!

However they really loved the girl who did this job before me. She knew the ins and outs of the position and organization. She wore heels and got things done. I even heard “When I gave ____ this job she just did it and handed it back to me completely finished.” Awesome but I think she’d been there longer than 2 weeks at that point. I came in feeling like I’d never measure up and I certainly don’t feel wrong about that.

Now I’m back to where I was a few months ago: no income, no prospects, and no optimism. I’m incredibly sick of scrambling to find work just to get some sort of income. I’m tired of taking positions that have no career potential. No job I’ve ever worked had career potential. Looking back I wasn’t wrong to take any of the positions I did but they never lead me anywhere.

So many of my friends have good job and career paths. Why can they find something I can’t? Do I really suck that much more than everyone else I know? I turn 27 in a few weeks and I have nothing to show for it. What do I really want for my birthday?

I want a job that could actually go somewhere. I want to be in a place where raises and promotions are not only possible but expected with time and hard work. I want healthcare that doesn’t rip me off because it can. I want to know my next pay check is coming from the same place for the foreseeable future. I want something I’m fairly certain I’ll never have.

Music: Let It Go by Idina Menzel