All the Drama

For the last year or so, my group of friends has been having a lot of drama surrounding a friend we'll call Ralph. I was never crazy about Ralph. We’d sit next to each other at bar trivia or another event and he would ignore me. He would make no effort to engage me in any sort of conversation or acknowledge my existence. He also had an intense dislike of the person his best friend, Steve, was with. She was very similar to me (outspoken, strong personality). I suspected he disliked us for the same reason and just went about avoiding him.

Ralph’s intense dislike of his friend’s fiancée, Leigh, continued to the point where he confronted her with some old information from a questionable source. Rather than say he found some unsavory information and ask her to explain what happened, he attacked her. It was an inquisition and she was incredibly upset. Whatever higher ground he thought he had, he lost it by treating her like a criminal.

When I heard he wrecked his bike and suffered a few major injuries while riding on a trail at night, I posted a get well soon on his social media but didn’t like him enough to go visit him. As far as I knew, he wouldn’t much enjoy my company anyway. Once his bones knit, he needed to go to physical therapy. Despite his rudeness, Leigh took him to physical therapy several times. She was nothing but nice to Ralph.

At a holiday party where Steve was in attendance but Leigh was not, Ralph was more than willing to tell several of us that he didn’t approve of the union. I liked Leigh and told him that she’d had a really positive impact on Steve’s behavior and life in general. Ralph wasn’t willing to see beyond what he wanted in a woman and consider what Steve wanted or what was best for him. If Ralph didn’t approve of it, it was wrong. No matter how nice Leigh was to Ralph, he wouldn’t stop badmouthing her behind her back.

Ralph was the main organizer of a very popular MeetUp of over a few thousand people. It was how I knew him. However, it was a geek/nerd/fandom centered group and Ralph openly told people he didn’t identify thusly. He was also not the only organizer, just the most active one. This past January, he changed the name of the MeetUp to something vague, nondescript, and forgettable. People were pissed.

It’s not that he wanted to change the name, it’s that he didn’t bother to speak with anyone about it including the rest of the group leadership. None of the members were consulted and we wanted our voices heard since we were invested in the group. In addition to ignoring the voices of anyone who didn’t agree with him, Ralph tried to rip the genre center out of the group. He claimed it was to grow the group but no one was buying it.

In addition to steady growth over the last couple of years, Ralph had burned through most of the dateable members of the MeetUp. Everyone suspected he was trying to get a fresh crop of women for him to pick through. It really didn’t help his cause when he said part of the reason he dropped the ‘geek/nerd/dork’ label was because some people considered it derogatory. It was bad when he disregarded the thoughts of group members because we didn’t organize anything. It was worse when he essentially insulted us.

While Ralph was fighting with the membership, he was also fighting the leadership, who were being rather diplomatic. One offered to do a survey to not only gauge the reaction to the name change but also see what the members wanted more of, less of, etc. Ralph said that was fine but he wasn’t changing the name back. Despite several attempts to help him save face, Ralph escalated the situation so that the only thing he could do was publicly apologize or leave the group. Rather than sacrifice his precious pride and listen to other people, he took his toys and left. Ralph started his own generic group which I’ve heard was doing OK but not as well as the group he alienated.

Ralph still had his friendship with Steve. Despite his continue rude and immature behavior, Leigh was still accommodating to Steve, even inviting him to her birthday party. Ralph spent 90% of his time there ignoring the other guests speaking only to Steve and not saying goodbye to Leigh when he left. Rather than try to accept the numerous olive branches Leigh offered him and try to be civil for the sake of Steve, Ralph persisted in making things difficult.

Ralph was the best man in Steve’s upcoming wedding, though I suspect this was mostly due to their history. As the wedding festivities began, Ralph made it clear that he was not going to be the best man for anything. He did not plan any sort of bachelor party for Steve because he ‘wasn’t good at that sort of thing.’ (Really Mr. MeetUp? No one was going to buy that.) The job fell to the male counterpart to a couple Steve and Leigh had become close to during the Ralph drama. Ralph came to the event late, left early, and wasn’t all that pleasant while he was there.

The final straw came when Ralph said he couldn’t make the rehearsal a couple of days before it happened. He knew when the event was for several weeks but waited until the last minute to say he had to skip it. Steve was done. Ralph was out of the wedding party. He would be welcome as a guest but Steve had run out of patience for Ralph’s refusal to participate. The wedding is this Saturday. This may be the only time when most of the people in attendance have cause to say “Thank gods this wedding is dry.”

One of our friends tried to advocate for him since he’s had a crappy year. To paraphrase, ‘he wrecked his bike and body. He tried to grow the group but got booted out instead. Now he has to watch his friend marry someone who he knows in his heart of hearts is wrong for him.’ I won’t disagree that it has not been a good year for Ralph but most of it is his own fault.

He made the poor decision to ride on a trail when it was dark. While he didn’t deserve his injuries, I doubt he took any ownership of them either. While he had his reasons, selfish or not, for trying to change the MeetUp group, his arrogant methods backfired. Rather than apologize, listen, or sacrifice any pride, he turned on his heel, nose high in the air, and stomped off.

It became clear when Ralph displayed his complete lack of maturity when he tried to take over a MeetUp event he’d previously run. Promising we wouldn’t use any of his previous work wasn’t good enough. When we made it clear we weren’t interested in his help, Ralph tried to manipulate Steve into forcing the event to go the way he (Ralph) wanted it to. Steve bowed out rather than be stuck in the middle.

As for his friend marrying the wrong person, Ralph is the only person I can think of who isn’t supportive of this union. Steve has become a more likable person since Leigh has been in his life. Before, I usually wanted to punch him in the throat inside half an hour. Now, I just want to kick him in the shins once or twice an event and move on. Leigh hasn't had the easiest road but Steve loves and supports her. They make each other happy and bring out the best in each other. 

As someone who has watched friends date obviously wrong people, you can’t talk them out of loving someone. You certainly can’t talk them out of it by blatantly telling them they’re wrong. Speak your piece as kindly as you can and move on. Instead of making peace with the situation or accepting one of the many olive branches offered, Ralph persists in hating Leigh.

Both the bride and I agree their friendship is basically over. Steve was willing to try but Ralph wasn’t interested in making any sort of effort on behalf of anyone but himself. It hasn't been a good year for him but he's the reason why. While I'm happy for Leigh and Steve, I'm worried for what this wedding will bring.