All the Drama

For the last year or so, my group of friends has been having a lot of drama surrounding a friend we'll call Ralph. I was never crazy about Ralph. We’d sit next to each other at bar trivia or another event and he would ignore me. He would make no effort to engage me in any sort of conversation or acknowledge my existence. He also had an intense dislike of the person his best friend, Steve, was with. She was very similar to me (outspoken, strong personality). I suspected he disliked us for the same reason and just went about avoiding him.

Ralph’s intense dislike of his friend’s fiancée, Leigh, continued to the point where he confronted her with some old information from a questionable source. Rather than say he found some unsavory information and ask her to explain what happened, he attacked her. It was an inquisition and she was incredibly upset. Whatever higher ground he thought he had, he lost it by treating her like a criminal.

When I heard he wrecked his bike and suffered a few major injuries while riding on a trail at night, I posted a get well soon on his social media but didn’t like him enough to go visit him. As far as I knew, he wouldn’t much enjoy my company anyway. Once his bones knit, he needed to go to physical therapy. Despite his rudeness, Leigh took him to physical therapy several times. She was nothing but nice to Ralph.

At a holiday party where Steve was in attendance but Leigh was not, Ralph was more than willing to tell several of us that he didn’t approve of the union. I liked Leigh and told him that she’d had a really positive impact on Steve’s behavior and life in general. Ralph wasn’t willing to see beyond what he wanted in a woman and consider what Steve wanted or what was best for him. If Ralph didn’t approve of it, it was wrong. No matter how nice Leigh was to Ralph, he wouldn’t stop badmouthing her behind her back.

Ralph was the main organizer of a very popular MeetUp of over a few thousand people. It was how I knew him. However, it was a geek/nerd/fandom centered group and Ralph openly told people he didn’t identify thusly. He was also not the only organizer, just the most active one. This past January, he changed the name of the MeetUp to something vague, nondescript, and forgettable. People were pissed.

It’s not that he wanted to change the name, it’s that he didn’t bother to speak with anyone about it including the rest of the group leadership. None of the members were consulted and we wanted our voices heard since we were invested in the group. In addition to ignoring the voices of anyone who didn’t agree with him, Ralph tried to rip the genre center out of the group. He claimed it was to grow the group but no one was buying it.

In addition to steady growth over the last couple of years, Ralph had burned through most of the dateable members of the MeetUp. Everyone suspected he was trying to get a fresh crop of women for him to pick through. It really didn’t help his cause when he said part of the reason he dropped the ‘geek/nerd/dork’ label was because some people considered it derogatory. It was bad when he disregarded the thoughts of group members because we didn’t organize anything. It was worse when he essentially insulted us.

While Ralph was fighting with the membership, he was also fighting the leadership, who were being rather diplomatic. One offered to do a survey to not only gauge the reaction to the name change but also see what the members wanted more of, less of, etc. Ralph said that was fine but he wasn’t changing the name back. Despite several attempts to help him save face, Ralph escalated the situation so that the only thing he could do was publicly apologize or leave the group. Rather than sacrifice his precious pride and listen to other people, he took his toys and left. Ralph started his own generic group which I’ve heard was doing OK but not as well as the group he alienated.

Ralph still had his friendship with Steve. Despite his continue rude and immature behavior, Leigh was still accommodating to Steve, even inviting him to her birthday party. Ralph spent 90% of his time there ignoring the other guests speaking only to Steve and not saying goodbye to Leigh when he left. Rather than try to accept the numerous olive branches Leigh offered him and try to be civil for the sake of Steve, Ralph persisted in making things difficult.

Ralph was the best man in Steve’s upcoming wedding, though I suspect this was mostly due to their history. As the wedding festivities began, Ralph made it clear that he was not going to be the best man for anything. He did not plan any sort of bachelor party for Steve because he ‘wasn’t good at that sort of thing.’ (Really Mr. MeetUp? No one was going to buy that.) The job fell to the male counterpart to a couple Steve and Leigh had become close to during the Ralph drama. Ralph came to the event late, left early, and wasn’t all that pleasant while he was there.

The final straw came when Ralph said he couldn’t make the rehearsal a couple of days before it happened. He knew when the event was for several weeks but waited until the last minute to say he had to skip it. Steve was done. Ralph was out of the wedding party. He would be welcome as a guest but Steve had run out of patience for Ralph’s refusal to participate. The wedding is this Saturday. This may be the only time when most of the people in attendance have cause to say “Thank gods this wedding is dry.”

One of our friends tried to advocate for him since he’s had a crappy year. To paraphrase, ‘he wrecked his bike and body. He tried to grow the group but got booted out instead. Now he has to watch his friend marry someone who he knows in his heart of hearts is wrong for him.’ I won’t disagree that it has not been a good year for Ralph but most of it is his own fault.

He made the poor decision to ride on a trail when it was dark. While he didn’t deserve his injuries, I doubt he took any ownership of them either. While he had his reasons, selfish or not, for trying to change the MeetUp group, his arrogant methods backfired. Rather than apologize, listen, or sacrifice any pride, he turned on his heel, nose high in the air, and stomped off.

It became clear when Ralph displayed his complete lack of maturity when he tried to take over a MeetUp event he’d previously run. Promising we wouldn’t use any of his previous work wasn’t good enough. When we made it clear we weren’t interested in his help, Ralph tried to manipulate Steve into forcing the event to go the way he (Ralph) wanted it to. Steve bowed out rather than be stuck in the middle.

As for his friend marrying the wrong person, Ralph is the only person I can think of who isn’t supportive of this union. Steve has become a more likable person since Leigh has been in his life. Before, I usually wanted to punch him in the throat inside half an hour. Now, I just want to kick him in the shins once or twice an event and move on. Leigh hasn't had the easiest road but Steve loves and supports her. They make each other happy and bring out the best in each other. 

As someone who has watched friends date obviously wrong people, you can’t talk them out of loving someone. You certainly can’t talk them out of it by blatantly telling them they’re wrong. Speak your piece as kindly as you can and move on. Instead of making peace with the situation or accepting one of the many olive branches offered, Ralph persists in hating Leigh.

Both the bride and I agree their friendship is basically over. Steve was willing to try but Ralph wasn’t interested in making any sort of effort on behalf of anyone but himself. It hasn't been a good year for him but he's the reason why. While I'm happy for Leigh and Steve, I'm worried for what this wedding will bring.

PopSugar Reading Challenge Book 17 or So Much Stupid

For a book that got bad reviews, I went whole hog and read The Feminist and the Cowboy by Alisa Valdes. I was always curious but I shied away once the negative reviews start pouring in both before and after it came out the relationship ended. This book earned every negative review.

This is definitely one of the worst books I have ever read. If you want to appreciate how much I hated it, feel free to look at my status updates on GoodReads.

I’m going to start with why I hated it. The fact that she calls herself a feminist is insulting to me and everyone else who believes feminism is a fight for equality. Here are some of her thoughts on feminism:

“Like so many children of second-wave feminism, I began to subconsciously equate being the dominator with being free.”

“I had been, for my parents, less a daughter than I was a chance to create a brave new deserialized female citizen immune to discrimination. I was not alone; there were millions like me. I was one in a confused, skirtless army of girl Frankensteins, the first postfeminist prototypes of the All-American un-Girl.”

"I was really good at blaming men for my shortcomings as a person."

"I was so insanely radical that I couldn't honestly imagine being sexual with men because it seemed like such a betrayal of the cause to, like, open up and let them in."

That last one is so incredibly not normal. If you feel that being heterosexual and having a relationship makes you a traitor to feminism, you need so much therapy. Of course her interpretation of feminism screwed up her life. It has precious little to do with actual feminism.

Despite her own issues, Valdes spends a great deal of time researching how men and women are fundamentally different. None of the information is cited for our benefit but it was enough to fuel her to become a ‘difference feminist’ who has its ideas rooted in the Catholic Church. If your feminism is based in tenants from a religion that is notoriously for negative attitudes toward women, you may want to ask some serious questions about what you actually believe.

At one point Valdes catches the cowboy in a lie he told so smoothly that it’s close to sociopath levels of deception. When she calls the other woman to get the full story, he’s upset that no only has he been caught in a lie, he’s been caught in all of it. When Valdes dares to speak to the other woman again, the cowboy goes from ‘I’ll do anything to fix this’ (except end things with the other woman while you can witness it, let’s not get carried away) to ‘we’re done’ in a matter of hours.

That is gloriously manipulative. He’s willing to do anything to salvage the relationship (so long as it’s on his terms) but when Valdes ‘makes a mistake’ he completely flips the situation so it’s her fault. I have been on the other side of this. It’s a way for him to get out of trouble for half the cost of his original sin.

He only agrees to take her back if he’s in totally control of the relationship. He wants to take care of her and be the strong, traditional man. The fact that he wasn’t interested in listening to her or negotiating is irrelevant.

Why did it get so many bad reviews other than the obvious? Because the relationship was over by the time the book came out because he physically abused her. It’s been well documented by Jezebel, Slate, Salon and New York Magazine.

I’ve read books with worse writing (although this book cracks the top 10) but I hate this one so much more. Valdes perpetuates negative stereotypes about feminists and showcases an unhealthy relationship as a good goal. I hope nobody ever wastes money on this insult to the written word again. I am impressed by how much I hated this book.

#HowToSpotAFeminist

#HowToSpotAFeminist is trending on Twitter. It is a lovely mix of things that make you want to quit the internet and give you hope. I have no idea why there is so much vitriol still surrounding this word. Do the trolls realize that attacking us on Twitter is not only not changing minds but justifying what we believe in?

Some lovely examples of why I don't want to live on this planet anymore:

There was one gem of a user I saw last night that I can't find again but that's probably for the best. He was kind of a horrible human being. Ms. Medina isn't much better. I smell an MRA.

Saying that all feminists fit into the erroneous and ugly stereotypes perpetuated above is like saying everyone who is pro-GamerGate is a doxing, hateful troll who believes in sending death and rape threats to women who dare have opinions. 

GamerGate is about ethics in video game journalism like Nazism was about politics. Not the most PC comparison but I have yet to come up with anything better. I digress.

Whenever there is hate, feminists will rise to the occasion. We're kind of used to pointless venom from the ignorant masses so we broke out the sass.

I like to think of this kind of stuff as Caitlin Moran's 'broken windows' feminist activism. If you can change some of the base things (while more qualified elected officials work on the big things), you can slowly start to change minds. Here's hoping she's right.

Music: TKO by Le Tigre

Movement in the Wrong Direction

A FB friend of mine posted this. The fact that these movements even exist is a ridiculous and grand display of ignorance and privilege. 

"Financial and child support shouldn't exist"

I disagree 100%. Kids are expensive, especially if you've got them most of the time. Clothes, laundry, utilities, groceries, activity fees, doctor's appointments, sports physicals, birthday presents for friend's parties, field trips, uniforms, school projects, etc. How many of these costs would a father absorb if he isn't holding primary custody? 

How much earning potential did his wife lose while she took time off to raise the kids? Was it maternity leave, leave of absence, going back part-time? Our country has no mandatory leave for new mothers or fathers so her job might not have been waiting for her. If she never went back to work her earning potential dropped significantly. Why should a man get custody if he wants to wash his hands of any fiscal responsibility?

"Women can simply choose not to marry violent men" 

There is a great deal of psychology and mental manipulation that goes into creating emotionally and physically abusive relationships, most of which start just like any other relationship. It is never that simple.

In a grand display of ignorance, some of these men claim they were emotionally abused and still being manipulated by past partners. Why did they choose bad partners when it's so easy for women to simply make better choices?

The 'fake rape' bit is disgusting. These aren't "buyers remorse" women who regret a drunken indiscretion. Most of these women were raped by men who had no regard for consent or for her as a human being. The fact that these pieces of work insist on perpetuating these vicious stereotypes is an insult to all rape victims of any gender.

One guy admits to stalking his children because they were living with their mother. That's not denying you your rights, that's protecting your children because you're unstable. 

Everything about this movement from the shoddy statistics, selfish desires, lack of context for 'women's privilege,' and blatant hypocrisy reek of ignorance. 

Feminist websites are not 'enemy territory' to all men. We want equality, not superiority. Even if some militant feminists (a whole other rant) are the enemy, only a fool disregards his opponent so completely.

Men are absolutely abused and raped. They need voices, outlets, and resources. Men get a lot of body image issues from the media as well. They deserve voices and places to go for support. I completely agree with reshaping society so men can be caregivers or breadwinners, their choice. Men deserve the freedom to feel what they feel and not have to hide it.

We need to revamp how we define masculinity in our culture but what this particular 'subculture' offers is nothing new. It's the same old patriarchy in badly researched, victimized packaging. 

Bad Feminist Buzz

I normally really enjoy BuzzFeed articles but today I’m both disappointed and ashamed. Everyone enjoys those silly quizzes or random lists. Everyone loves a good gif but I’m not sure how much more time I want to spend on their website after they debuted the Are You a Bad Feminist quiz.

There’s nothing wrong with wearing make-up, reading magazines, or liking Beyonce. Beyonce is a strong woman and has done a better job than most pop stars *cough*Kelly Clarkson’s a hypocrite*cough* at admitting she is a feminist. There is no shortage of ways to be a feminist and other feminists don’t have to like or agree about all the minutae.

If you’re wearing make-up and reading magazines and emulating the Kardashians, you need to look at why. What’s your motivation? Is it because you want other people to find you pretty? Is it because you like your overall look better when you highlight your cheekbones and tweeze your eye brows? Is this because you genuinely want to or because you think you’re supposed to?

I gave up on Marie Claire when someone said Mike and Molly wasn’t worth watching because ‘fat people making out is gross.’ There’s also an insane amount of advertising in all women’s and fashion magazines. Look at the images. What are the ads showing you? (Other than a woman with no pores. Seriously, try to find one.)

Even if you don’t want to follow Everyday Sexism on Twitter, you should still read it. Not Buying It is a great app to promote media literacy. You don’t have to make these the center of your social media but you shouldn’t be ignorant of what they’re saying. Ignorance is a powerful tool in manipulation and never serves the ignorant. (I’m looking at you Lily the-hard-part-is-over Allen).

I believe in 2 definitions of feminism. The traditional both genders are entitled to the same rights and opportunities and Caitlin Moran’s definition. Check your pants. Is there a vagina? Would you like to be in charge of it? Congrats, you’re a feminist. That’s it. You can crank Single Ladies, wear fancy nail art, vote for Hillary, and still be a feminist.

A bad feminist is one who excludes and openly judges. A bad feminist perpetuates negative stereotypes while talking about the ‘power of women.’ A bad and ignorant feminist thinks the only kind are radical academics and not every day women. 

Are you a bad feminist BuzzFeed? Yes, yes you are.

Music: Suffragette by Nina Gordon 

Update: I think they felt some backlash because this quiz was up the next day.

Ditch the Attitude

There’s a weekly MeetUp I’m a huge fan of.  I met The Boy there and several awesome new friends. A local concert venue/bar does drink specials and an episode of Popular Fandom Show. It’s not exclusive to MeetUp but we usually bring 15-30 people each week

We chill for the Happy Hour, watch an episode, and then proceed to a nearby bar.  It is often Same Bar because we’re a big group and they can accommodate us with no notice on a Friday night. Given the variety of venues DC has to offer, some people want to try new places. Tensions have started arising because of the lack of overlap between people who complain about Same Bar every week and the people who suggest new places.

This was discussed in the comment section of last week’s event.  Ira said he wanted to go somewhere else.  Alec replied that if he can find a bar that can take 30 people with no notice on a Friday, we were all ears. (Alec later included a link to a new place.) I commented that I 100% agreed with him and was tired of people complaining without offering any alternatives.

A girl who either just started coming in the last few weeks or was coming with the MeetUp the first time (most of us had never met her before), replied “The people who complain about just ditch you guys anyway.” She added, “The people who go to Same Bar at least.” I don’t think the clarification was necessary but thanks for the added bitchiness.

I have a problem with New Bitch. She strikes me as someone who frequently has problems with other people but has no idea why. She hasn’t learned that it’s not what you say but how you say it. In this case, she said it in a way that offended at least three people.  NB is either lacking maturity, social grace, or both.

This was confirmed when Connor jumped in to say that bickering and animosity won’t solving anything. New Bitch said, “I didn’t see any animosity.” Really? Cause I think you were the only one.

Nobody likes complainers. If you would rather complain and ‘ditch’ everyone when we don’t do what you want, you come across as an entitled mean girl from 10^th grade. If you want to offer useful suggestions and ‘do your own thing’ if you dislike the group’s decision, that’s fine.

I prefer a cheaper venue than the usual one for any pre-event gathering. I don’t bitch but just go somewhere else and meet the group later. One post-event place we tried as tapas. It was nice but pricey. The Boy and I defected to Same Bar after an hour or two of socializing. Several others followed.

I have no idea what this week will bring but I’m hoping for limited drama this time around. I don’t foresee New Bitch becoming a regular.

Romeo, Where For Art Thy Brain?

I’m sure most of you have heard of Romeo Rose. His dating profile went seriously viral in the last few days. He is willing to shell out $1,500 for someone to find him the perfect girlfriend.

It was bad when he starting listing weight requirements. Saying you want someone who is athletic or average is fine. Justify with “I have an active lifestyle so I need someone who can keep up” and you don’t sound like a “No fatties need apply” douche.

Talking about his distaste for ink and piercings was ridiculous. If you must saying something, say it’s not your thing, not that a woman much change her body. Hair and glasses were also out of line. I almost lost it when I saw the ‘can’t be friends with exes’ bit. Those things are our choice and your problem. You don’t get to control what a woman wears or who she talks to.

I saw red when I heard him talk about how pregnancy changes a woman’s body. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids. There is something wrong with him talking about women’s bodies like he has a clue when he has no idea how they work. It’s also not his right to talk about our bodies or our appearance.

The last part just takes the cake. I understand not being especially attracted to a certain ethnic group. You see where other people find person X attractive but you have never happened to be attracted to [Scandinavian, Asian, Klingon, Elder God]. Most people have the good sense not to advertise it in a public forum. Romeo Rose is not most people.

I think it’s the lack of sense, cultural awareness, and any knowledge of history or sociology as to why he explains why whites are the superior race. They weren’t the ones enslaved or contributing anything historically or running Fortune 500 companies. I think if you tried to explain intersectionality, institutional racism, or heteronormativity, his head would explode.

Gawker also notes that he’s also anti-choice, anti-gay, and believes some 9/11 conspiracy theory.

I’m going to quote my mother on this one: “What do you bring to the table?” He’s sexist, racist, and impressive ignorant. Someone needs to tell him you can’t order a girlfriend like a pizza. He needs a whole woman who is stupid enough to think he’s a catch, not a checklist that will never be met.

Don’t Be This Guy #1

My friend ‘Eliza’ dated ‘George’ a couple of years ago. It didn’t work out but they remained friends and have several friends in common. Both have dated since the split with Eliza have a couple of decent relationships and George having limited success. 

George has never had much interest in Eliza’s boyfriends. The avoidance was understandable but the regular hissyfits afterwards were tiresome. He has now taken it to a new level.

 George tried to get a group together over FB for a nerd activity. When Eliza said she wanted to bring her current boyfriend, Fitz, George, who was trying to organize the event in the first place, he said he’d rather skip it.

A friend of both is having a birthday party. He sent out a mass email with proposed dates. Eliza said which date was good for her and her current BF. George said, to everyone, that if Eliza was bringing her current BF, he wouldn’t be attending. However he could make it if it was on the day that didn’t work for Eliza.

It’s hard to see your ex in a new relationship. It sucks. I’ve been there. I went to a birthday party in a studio apartment with my ex and his date in attendance. Did I mention it was a few months after a messy breakup and I don’t particularly like him to this day? The party was fun because we avoided each other masterfully. I didn’t want to be the girl who started unnecessary drama.

If you have to avoid the happy couple, do it. There’s nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with announcing it every time. It’s immature and obnoxious. You don’t need to broadcast your personal issue when most of us can infer that ourselves. Behavior like this starts drama and drags extra people along for the ride. Don’t be this guy.

Music: All About You by Melanie C