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during the RenFest I briefly met a friend of a friend. We texted but I was in a
weird place with someone I had been dating. The fact that he reminded me of
certain ex-boyfriends didn’t help. The mutual friend saw him Super Bowl Sunday
night when she was going somewhere. He asked if I was going to be at her event.
When I
say I briefly met him, I mean we spent maybe 20 minutes chatting in September.
If I made that much of an impression, I know I should call him. It’s rare for
anyone to find someone who thinks they’re special. The problem is I just can’t
make myself do it.
Some of the
songs from earlier entries say it better than I can.
My head
is telling my heart to let love grow and my heart is telling my head “Very much
no.” I’m not up for being a victim of love. Most guys I’ve dated, all I wanted
was him but it became clear I wanted him more. I’ve never seen the inside of
love but I gave up the fight, wrong or right.
Last
month I deleted my OKC account and shut down my give-a-damn. So far I’ve heard
variants of ‘You just haven’t found the right guy’ and ‘This is the time when
you’re most likely to meet someone’ and ‘My ___ was [age older than mine]
before they met someone’ and ‘You just have to keep putting yourself out there
and love will find you’ and, my personal favorite, ‘This won’t last long.’
I know
there’s a cliché or two I’m forgetting. Basically it’s the exact same stuff I’ve
heard before but am too tired to pretend to believe it.
I wouldn’t
say I’ve been damaged by love but it’s made me a morbid romantic at best. Never
say ‘never again’ but for now, I’m giving up on love, it’s so overrated. I
think I’m better off alone.
Bonus: If you
can figure out the 11 songs I borrowed from in this entry, you get a cookie.
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