Alphabet Challenge Round 17

T is for The Tao of Dating by Dr. Ali Binazir. I got a mini ebook by the same fellow and it hyped that The Tao of Dating was the best selling dating guide on Amazon. I decided to see what he could offer me.

I will start right now by saying this isn’t your typical dating guide. It focused as much on personal development as it did with relating to the opposite sex. The book alternated chapters on how to improve your dating skills and how to better yourself as a person.

Binazir was not messing around when he titled his book. Taoism and the Tao Te Ching feature just as prominently as the dating advice. I really enjoyed the spiritual side that brought to this book. Back in 12^th grade I had to do a project on Taoism (where it was drilled into that it was pronounced with a ‘D’ sound not a ‘T’ sound). It really resonated with me and it was spiritually soothing to see them again (mock if you must). 

I didn’t agree with everything Dr. Binazir said. He wants women to honor the sacred feminine and have more passive roles in their loves lives at least in the pursuing stage. I’m currently working on I Do But I Don’t: Why the Way We Marry Matters by Kamy Wicoff. 

Wicoff complained that men feel pressured to propose and fire back that women should let them do it in their own time. Women then have to fake nonchalance and be disingenuous to themselves so the men can feel true to themselves by proposing at their leisure. Dr. Binazir cited men proposing as one of the reasons women should hold back.

I think we need more balance in gender relationships but we also have to face the way the world is and try to make small changes. I’m not OK taking a completely passive role in my love life but I also have to recognize that I can’t control another person. Women either have to be OK playing a secondary role in their love lives or bucking gender norms consequences be damned. Personally, I’ll lay the groundwork and make it easy for him to ask but I never make the first real move.

Overall though, I really liked this book. I thought it had a lot to offer women on a couple of levels. Because the Tao Te Ching features so prominently, several pieces of the dating advice can also apply to life like being radiant or not over thinking. Since I had this on ebook I utilized the highlight and bookmark features. I can’t speak for how effective this will be at landing me men quite yet but I’ve got my eye on someone so we’ll see what happens.

A - American Virgin by Steven Seagle

B

C

D - Divergent by Veronica Roth

E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

F - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham

H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown

I

J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress

K

L - A Little Night Magic by Lucy March

M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen

N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow

O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde

P

Q

R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner

S

T - The Tao of Dating by Dr. Ali Binazir

U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman

V

W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

X - XVI by Julia Karr

Y - Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison

Z - Zoo Story by Thomas French

Current Music: To Die For - Automatic Loveletter

Alphabet Challenge Round 16

L is for A Little Night Magic by Lucy March. Liv is a small town waitress who decides to shake up her life but before she can, life decides to shake back. Now this small town girl is being dragged into a world she didn't know existed.

This is definitely women's fiction but I wouldn't call it chick lit. It's themes are so much broader than just the relationship between Liv and Tobias. It's also about loss, change, female friendships, and the family we choose for ourselves. It wasn’t not completely shallow like a lot of women’s ficiton. And of course there's the magic.

Light, easy, and fun; it was a much needed diversion. 

A - American Virgin by Steven Seagle

B

C

D - Divergent by Veronica Roth

E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

F - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham

H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown

I

J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress

K

L - A Little Night Magic by Lucy March

M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen

N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow

O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde

P

Q

R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner

S

T

U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman

V

W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

X - XVI by Julia Karr

Y - Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison

Z - Zoo Story by Thomas French

Current Music: Levon by Elton John

Did Your Timer Go Off or Are You Happy to See Me?

I heard about the craziest thing on the Kane Show this morning. It’s a marriage bra to remind women about their goal. It has a countdown timer and a little compartment for an engagement ring. Once the timer is up, the little compartment containing the ring opens. You can set it for 6 months, 2 years. They’re being lame and not posting any sort of link but I think they’re talking about this. 

One of the articles I linked said this is a blatant publicity stunt but mark my words if people are not clamoring for it. Real or not, there is a market for this and despite sleeping horribly last night I know this is a special sort of crazy. I will bet you money there are women all over the U.S. wondering when they can get one.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will once again rip the wedding industry a new one.

This is just another crazy consumer product to feed into this notion that women must get married. Is there an equivalent device for men? Of course not. The idea itself is more laughable than the existence of this sick piece of lingerie.

Men and weddings are not financially viable. Men aren’t raised to idealize ceremony + party (that’s all a wedding is folks). They haven’t been force-fed these fairy tale illusions about relationships. Men rent a monkey suit, not drop $10,000 on a dress they’ll wear once.

I don’t find anything admirable about getting married. Getting married gets you my congratulations and best wishes. Staying married for years and still liking each other gets you my admiration. If your goal is to get married for the sake of getting married, I want in on the pool for the duration of your marriage. 

I’d love to be married but it won’t be until I have a person who will be there for the fun adventures, bad times, and all my neurotic moments. It’s not because my boobs started beeping like the epic egg timer of awkward. If I saw a dude with the boxer briefs of matrimony I’d run like a blonde in a horror movie. 

And you know the women who buy this perverted paraphernalia are the ones have $50,000 ceremonies in the $13,000 dresses for 3 year marriages. I want to see the math on some of these more lavish ceremonies. How much was each year of your marriage worth to the billion dollar industry?

If the wedding industry really wants to make a fortune and the U.S. wants to get better get marriage statistics, let gay people get married. I’ve met several lifers who can’t be legally married but have been together almost as long as I’ve been alive. Do you really think some of the more fabulous gay people would pass up having a reality-show worthy ceremony?

Current Music: Stop Pretending by Vicci Martinez

Alphabet Challenge Round 15

A is for American Virgin Vol. 1: Head by Steven Seagle and Becky Cloonan. Activating my nerd powers while on vacation recently, I found the only comic book store in the country of Bermuda. I have mad skillz.

This is the first trade in a mini-series about Adam, a young Christian whose life was centered around the virginity movement. We see more than that going on with his various relatives from lust to greed. Adam seems to be the most pure until something comes and shakes him to his very core. Cassie, the one woman he promised himself to for life, to love her and only her, was captured and beheaded while with the Peace Corp in Africa.

This trade introduces the characters and I think this series will ask some interesting questions about Christianity and the virginity movement. The first book doesn’t answer all the questions you have but Adam faces an on-going struggle as things come to test his faith.

A - American Virgin by Steven Seagle

B

C

D - Divergent by Veronica Roth

E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

F - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham

H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown

I

J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress

K

L

M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen

N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow

O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde

P

Q

R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner

S

T

U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman

V

W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

X - XVI by Julia Karr

Y - Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison

Z - Zoo Story by Thomas French

Current Music: Abraham's Daughter - Arcade Fire

Alphabet Challenge Round 14

X is for XVI by Julia Karr, a dystopian teen novel and a bitch of a letter to find. In this world, when girls turn 16 and boys turn 18 they must get tattooed to show that it’s legal for them to have sex. Your social standing and future opportunities is determing by your tier and nonstop advertisements remind you why it’s so coveted. Nina is just a normal girl but shortly before getting her XVI tattoo, her life is turned upside down when it is revealed that everything is not as it seems.

This book has a fantastic premise. I just wish the writer had done more with it. I wanted her to develop the characters a little more, to get a little deeper. Some of the relationships were somewhat abrupt. The end also left a lot of things unresolved. It was also sort of rushed, like Karr needing to make an ending and wanted all things tied up. 

XVI is part of a series so I think it was detrimental to the book not to spread it out a little more. The way all the loose ends had to be rapidly tied up made it feel like a second book wasn’t an option. I just felt like the book needed a bit more. I love the premise but I just like the book.

A

B

C

D - Divergent by Veronica Roth

E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

F - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham

H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown

I

J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress

K

L

M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen

N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow

O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde

P

Q

R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner

S

T

U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman

V

W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

X - XVI by Julia Karr

Y - Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison

Z - Zoo Story by Thomas French

Second Choice, First Problem

This merits a blog because I have now heard this woman’s story on Dear Prudie and The Kane Show. Her fiancée and his friend had a falling out. As a result, the former friend sent her old emails where her fiancée admits that he was more attracted to her best friend and he found her ‘plain and mildly annoying.’ 

Her wedding date is in six months and instead of this being the happiest time in her life, all she can think about is how her fiancée originally liked her friend better. Is he still hot for her? Is he fantasizing about her? The fiancée has “apologized profusely” and she believes they wouldn’t be engaged if he didn’t love her but she still can’t get it out of her head.

The Kane Show had people who had been in that place call in. One woman said she was originally more attracted to her husband’s friend but they’ve been happily married for years. Kane admits his wife wasn’t originally interested in him and they have two kids. More than one caller said that personality wins out over looks in the end.

Prudie told this woman that there’s a reason her fiancée didn’t want this person in his life. As far as I can tell from both stories, she was an innocent bystander in this and the former friend decided to hurt her in an effort to hurt the fiancée. Prudie also said that in the end, her fiancée picked her. That’s what matters the most.

I’m going reiterate what they’re saying. He picked you. He’s marrying you. Even you admit your best friend is objectively hot. It would be weird if he wasn’t attracted to her at all. Listen to what he’s saying and doing. He had a choice and didn’t pick her. Maybe you’re more interesting or fun to be around. Maybe you’re less maintenance.

I find it weird she’s seeking so much external validation. First a major advice column and now a radio show? See a counselor if you can’t get past it. It’s nice to hear what you need to hear but ultimately the public won’t give you the tools to fix the damage. This should not be affecting your relationship this much.

And FYI, all guys fantasize about what they don’t have. If him dreaming of Megan Fox has added benefits for my love life, fine by me. You don’t tell me about your Christina Hendricks fantasy and I won’t tell you about Nonso Anozie. Deal?

Current Music: Blow the Man Down - The Seadogs

Charm Me Not

I’ve been reading the Tao of Dating for the letter T in my alphabet challenge. It was that most women, when asked about their husbands, admitted to not only not falling instantly in love, they didn’t even like him that much! 

Currently, the Western model of romance dictates instant chemistry and attraction. If you don’t have that spark, then why try? If you lose the spark, a lot of people just call it quits. If the person you married isn’t your Prince Charming or soulmate anymore, shouldn’t you go find one who is?

The idea of wining, dining, and intense romance is a very recent. Marriages started because it was an easier way to raise children and verify paternity thousands of years ago. Marrying for love is a recent, convenient, and (if the numbers are to be believed) a less than ideal development.

I’ll be the first to argue that the reason many marriages lasted as long as they did because until recently, women didn’t have any other viable options. 60 years ago divorce was expensive and women usually had to raise the kids on their own making crap wages at dead-end jobs. Now it’s a lot easier for women to escape bad marriages but with all new marriage starting out with 50/50 odds, are all modern marriages that bad?

No. India has the option of divorce now but a lot of arranged marriages work, seemingly better than Western marriages. Yes they’re raised in that culture but their relationship is under less pressure to perform to unrealistic romantic standards. Arranged couples can learn to love each other over time. They aren’t expected to be instant soulmates (another dangerous romantic idea).

Women are force fed a romantic fantasy from the time we’re toddlers when a lifelong commitment is about a lot more than rose petals, fancy dresses, and carriage rides. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that Prince was raised to be charming, not sincere.

Life offers screaming, spewing babies, serious illness, unexpected job loss, ailing parents, and mundane routines. When dealing with all of the above, you aren’t going to be madly in love with your partner 24/7 and that’s good. As the TOD says: “Madly in love is still mad, and mad people tend to make silly choices.”

I believe that relationships need some romance but in many ways, love is a choice. Loving someone long-term is a conscious decision and requires effort. You have to decide if that’s the person you want to stand by when life hits them hard. You have to decide if this is the person you want in your corner when life slams into you. You have to decide if this is the person you want around when life isn’t doing much of anything to you at all. 

This is why people recommend marrying your best friend. You know their faults, their bizarre habits, you do stuff together, and you don’t always like them but you love them anyway. I’d much rather marry my best friend than some insincere charmer from a crappy movie.

Current Music: We Found Love - Lindsey Stirling

Alphabet Challenge Round 13

Z is for Zoo Story. I really enjoyed this book. It was informative, well-written, and well paced. The story never dragged and I was never bored.

I appreciated how French focused on all aspect of the zoo. We heard about the keepers, their relationship to the animals, their relationship to each other, the history of some of the animals, species extinction and conservation, the politics of running a zoo, and traits of the various species. I never knew elephants sometimes buried their dead and can be incredibly destructive to ecosystems or that chimps lead violent viking-like raids. 

French didn’t sugarcoat things and the account felt fairly unbiased. The zoo wasn’t perfect but the world isn’t perfect

A

B

C

D - Divergent by Veronica Roth

E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

F - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham

H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown

I

J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress

K

L

M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen

N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow

O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde

P

Q

R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner

S

T

U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman

V

W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

X

Y - Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison

Z - Zoo Story by Thomas French

Current Music: Zorba’s Dance - David Garrett