Spelling Out Some Drama

Tori Spelling used her reality as her career and entertainment for the masses. When Dean McDermott was outed for having an affair, everyone stayed quiet. For the first time in a long time the McDermotts were fighting the tabloid fodder they’ve become.

I both understood it and found it hypocritical. Nobody wants their dirty laundry to be public spectacle at the same time they’re dealing with it. Rather than own it, Tori tried to hide it and process it. As much as I understand that I also wanted to call shenanigans when she tried to hide what was happening and pretend everything’s fine.

Now that she has control of it, true to form Tori is using her marital woes for a new short reality show on Lifetime, True Tori. Part of me is glad she’s being so public about this. I’m sure there are a lot of women in a similar place and appreciate having someone own that this happens. Part of me also wants to call shenanigans because she tried to hide it until she could make a good profit on it.

Either way, I’m definitely tuning in and watching the spectacle. I could use the diversion.

Music: Sleeping with a Friend by Neon Trees

Spelling Trouble

I don’t think I ever admitted this before in print but I’m kind of a fan of Tori Spelling. I’ve never seen 90210 or any of her movies. I got to know her once she started making her living off her own life.

I read her first book when I was in college. It was a her first tell-all including details about her feud with her mother. It was a BFD at the time. Home on break I discovered her Oxygen reality show. It became my go-to trash TV. 

Unlike The Hills or The Kardashians which were big at the time, Tori Spelling didn’t seem like a privileged brat. She always seemed gracious, sweet, and very down-to-earth for Aarond Spelling’s daughter. She seemed like she’d be a good friend and fun.

I have no doubt she’s more into fashion than literature or feminism but I have to respect how hard she works. She has a variety of professional endeavors that she had to balance with marriage and a family. I’m sure she’s clueless to some of what us normal folk do but she’s not a bad person. 

I was in the grocery store with The Boy recently when I saw Us weekly talking about Dean McDermott’s one night stand. I don’t know what level of truth there is here but it doesn’t seem impossible.

Spelling often described her husband as her soulmate and Prince Charming, not unlike Bella from a few entires ago. Tori may have spread herself too thin with work or been too devoted to her children giving only what little was left to her marriage. It may be the lack of sex that results from having 4 young children.

Some of the tabloid sites are saying that Tori doesn’t want to leave because of their four kids and her image. Much of her current brand is related to her being a wife and mother. If that falls apart, she’ll have to reinvent herself or risk loosing a big part of her career.

In the final seasons of their show Tori let the world see the problems arising in her marriage. Relationships ebb and flow and couples fight. However back in May she was saying how glad she was her marriage to her soulmate never had the seven year itch.

Every couple has its problems and no one can really know what goes on in a marriage except the people in it. But as a nosey pop culture junkie, I can poke around what’s out there. I still have her first book and got the next two from an evil online retailer with amazing prices. I’ll get the fourth from the library.

Am I terrible for wanting to delve more into her life as she’s facing a huge personal crisis? Or is that just the risk when you make you living off your reality being someone else’s entertainment?

Music: Dirty Laundry by Lisa Presley

Alphabet Challenge Round 17

T is for The Tao of Dating by Dr. Ali Binazir. I got a mini ebook by the same fellow and it hyped that The Tao of Dating was the best selling dating guide on Amazon. I decided to see what he could offer me.

I will start right now by saying this isn’t your typical dating guide. It focused as much on personal development as it did with relating to the opposite sex. The book alternated chapters on how to improve your dating skills and how to better yourself as a person.

Binazir was not messing around when he titled his book. Taoism and the Tao Te Ching feature just as prominently as the dating advice. I really enjoyed the spiritual side that brought to this book. Back in 12^th grade I had to do a project on Taoism (where it was drilled into that it was pronounced with a ‘D’ sound not a ‘T’ sound). It really resonated with me and it was spiritually soothing to see them again (mock if you must). 

I didn’t agree with everything Dr. Binazir said. He wants women to honor the sacred feminine and have more passive roles in their loves lives at least in the pursuing stage. I’m currently working on I Do But I Don’t: Why the Way We Marry Matters by Kamy Wicoff. 

Wicoff complained that men feel pressured to propose and fire back that women should let them do it in their own time. Women then have to fake nonchalance and be disingenuous to themselves so the men can feel true to themselves by proposing at their leisure. Dr. Binazir cited men proposing as one of the reasons women should hold back.

I think we need more balance in gender relationships but we also have to face the way the world is and try to make small changes. I’m not OK taking a completely passive role in my love life but I also have to recognize that I can’t control another person. Women either have to be OK playing a secondary role in their love lives or bucking gender norms consequences be damned. Personally, I’ll lay the groundwork and make it easy for him to ask but I never make the first real move.

Overall though, I really liked this book. I thought it had a lot to offer women on a couple of levels. Because the Tao Te Ching features so prominently, several pieces of the dating advice can also apply to life like being radiant or not over thinking. Since I had this on ebook I utilized the highlight and bookmark features. I can’t speak for how effective this will be at landing me men quite yet but I’ve got my eye on someone so we’ll see what happens.

A - American Virgin by Steven Seagle

B

C

D - Divergent by Veronica Roth

E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

F - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham

H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown

I

J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress

K

L - A Little Night Magic by Lucy March

M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen

N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow

O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde

P

Q

R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner

S

T - The Tao of Dating by Dr. Ali Binazir

U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman

V

W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

X - XVI by Julia Karr

Y - Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison

Z - Zoo Story by Thomas French

Current Music: To Die For - Automatic Loveletter

Charm Me Not

I’ve been reading the Tao of Dating for the letter T in my alphabet challenge. It was that most women, when asked about their husbands, admitted to not only not falling instantly in love, they didn’t even like him that much! 

Currently, the Western model of romance dictates instant chemistry and attraction. If you don’t have that spark, then why try? If you lose the spark, a lot of people just call it quits. If the person you married isn’t your Prince Charming or soulmate anymore, shouldn’t you go find one who is?

The idea of wining, dining, and intense romance is a very recent. Marriages started because it was an easier way to raise children and verify paternity thousands of years ago. Marrying for love is a recent, convenient, and (if the numbers are to be believed) a less than ideal development.

I’ll be the first to argue that the reason many marriages lasted as long as they did because until recently, women didn’t have any other viable options. 60 years ago divorce was expensive and women usually had to raise the kids on their own making crap wages at dead-end jobs. Now it’s a lot easier for women to escape bad marriages but with all new marriage starting out with 50/50 odds, are all modern marriages that bad?

No. India has the option of divorce now but a lot of arranged marriages work, seemingly better than Western marriages. Yes they’re raised in that culture but their relationship is under less pressure to perform to unrealistic romantic standards. Arranged couples can learn to love each other over time. They aren’t expected to be instant soulmates (another dangerous romantic idea).

Women are force fed a romantic fantasy from the time we’re toddlers when a lifelong commitment is about a lot more than rose petals, fancy dresses, and carriage rides. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that Prince was raised to be charming, not sincere.

Life offers screaming, spewing babies, serious illness, unexpected job loss, ailing parents, and mundane routines. When dealing with all of the above, you aren’t going to be madly in love with your partner 24/7 and that’s good. As the TOD says: “Madly in love is still mad, and mad people tend to make silly choices.”

I believe that relationships need some romance but in many ways, love is a choice. Loving someone long-term is a conscious decision and requires effort. You have to decide if that’s the person you want to stand by when life hits them hard. You have to decide if this is the person you want in your corner when life slams into you. You have to decide if this is the person you want around when life isn’t doing much of anything to you at all. 

This is why people recommend marrying your best friend. You know their faults, their bizarre habits, you do stuff together, and you don’t always like them but you love them anyway. I’d much rather marry my best friend than some insincere charmer from a crappy movie.

Current Music: We Found Love - Lindsey Stirling

Athletic Love

I was reading an article on The Frisky and it talked about the types to not date. Everyone knows musicians but I hadn’t heard bartenders although that makes total sense. McGuire also added pro-athletes and politicians to the list. I will not argue politicians. I have worked in the nation’s capital. You have to be confident/high on your self to go into that line of work in the first place. I’m not 100% sold on all pro-athletes.

I would be concerned about a U.S. soccer player because he would be a much bigger deal overseas than he would probably be at home. Most NBA and NFL stars I’ll agree with. Those sports are huge and a lot of the rock stars of the team would get enough ego to think they wouldn’t get caught. Some of the bigger names in the NHL (like Alex Ovechkin or Sidney Crosby) must dovery well for themselves. But not all of them.

My mom watched some pre-Super Bowl at home interviews. One of the players had been with the same woman since college and she was definitely no Gisele. Despite being well-known enough to make the special, he seemed to genuinely like his girl-next-door wife. You have to love your spouse butliking them after many years is noteworthy. 

Chimera had an interview recently where he was asked his favorite TV channel. He talked about how he and the wife watch HGTV together all the time. Vokoun had it in his contract that he could go to Florida early before every game there so he could spend time with his wife and daughters. Aucoin, who spent a lot of time in the minors this season, just had a baby boy and couldn’t be happier from what I’ve seen.

Stateside, NHL players aren’t as god-like as NFL players. There aren’t a lot of mainstream rock stars. You also don’t see as many celebrity-NHL marriages as you do NFL or NBA (Hilary Duff and Carrie Underwood being the main exceptions). Many of these guys married normal women-next-door. They get a bit of anonymity around town and with a non-celebrity SO which probably helps keep them humble(r).

I could be way off the mark and the NHL could be just as bad as every other pro-league but that’s not the feeling I get. From what I’ve seen as an outsider, they all seem very happy. If you’re happy, you usually aren’t stupid enough to screw it up, especially when your road trip roommate needs somewhere to sleep.

Current Music: The Chase - My Favorite Highway