All the Drama

For the last year or so, my group of friends has been having a lot of drama surrounding a friend we'll call Ralph. I was never crazy about Ralph. We’d sit next to each other at bar trivia or another event and he would ignore me. He would make no effort to engage me in any sort of conversation or acknowledge my existence. He also had an intense dislike of the person his best friend, Steve, was with. She was very similar to me (outspoken, strong personality). I suspected he disliked us for the same reason and just went about avoiding him.

Ralph’s intense dislike of his friend’s fiancée, Leigh, continued to the point where he confronted her with some old information from a questionable source. Rather than say he found some unsavory information and ask her to explain what happened, he attacked her. It was an inquisition and she was incredibly upset. Whatever higher ground he thought he had, he lost it by treating her like a criminal.

When I heard he wrecked his bike and suffered a few major injuries while riding on a trail at night, I posted a get well soon on his social media but didn’t like him enough to go visit him. As far as I knew, he wouldn’t much enjoy my company anyway. Once his bones knit, he needed to go to physical therapy. Despite his rudeness, Leigh took him to physical therapy several times. She was nothing but nice to Ralph.

At a holiday party where Steve was in attendance but Leigh was not, Ralph was more than willing to tell several of us that he didn’t approve of the union. I liked Leigh and told him that she’d had a really positive impact on Steve’s behavior and life in general. Ralph wasn’t willing to see beyond what he wanted in a woman and consider what Steve wanted or what was best for him. If Ralph didn’t approve of it, it was wrong. No matter how nice Leigh was to Ralph, he wouldn’t stop badmouthing her behind her back.

Ralph was the main organizer of a very popular MeetUp of over a few thousand people. It was how I knew him. However, it was a geek/nerd/fandom centered group and Ralph openly told people he didn’t identify thusly. He was also not the only organizer, just the most active one. This past January, he changed the name of the MeetUp to something vague, nondescript, and forgettable. People were pissed.

It’s not that he wanted to change the name, it’s that he didn’t bother to speak with anyone about it including the rest of the group leadership. None of the members were consulted and we wanted our voices heard since we were invested in the group. In addition to ignoring the voices of anyone who didn’t agree with him, Ralph tried to rip the genre center out of the group. He claimed it was to grow the group but no one was buying it.

In addition to steady growth over the last couple of years, Ralph had burned through most of the dateable members of the MeetUp. Everyone suspected he was trying to get a fresh crop of women for him to pick through. It really didn’t help his cause when he said part of the reason he dropped the ‘geek/nerd/dork’ label was because some people considered it derogatory. It was bad when he disregarded the thoughts of group members because we didn’t organize anything. It was worse when he essentially insulted us.

While Ralph was fighting with the membership, he was also fighting the leadership, who were being rather diplomatic. One offered to do a survey to not only gauge the reaction to the name change but also see what the members wanted more of, less of, etc. Ralph said that was fine but he wasn’t changing the name back. Despite several attempts to help him save face, Ralph escalated the situation so that the only thing he could do was publicly apologize or leave the group. Rather than sacrifice his precious pride and listen to other people, he took his toys and left. Ralph started his own generic group which I’ve heard was doing OK but not as well as the group he alienated.

Ralph still had his friendship with Steve. Despite his continue rude and immature behavior, Leigh was still accommodating to Steve, even inviting him to her birthday party. Ralph spent 90% of his time there ignoring the other guests speaking only to Steve and not saying goodbye to Leigh when he left. Rather than try to accept the numerous olive branches Leigh offered him and try to be civil for the sake of Steve, Ralph persisted in making things difficult.

Ralph was the best man in Steve’s upcoming wedding, though I suspect this was mostly due to their history. As the wedding festivities began, Ralph made it clear that he was not going to be the best man for anything. He did not plan any sort of bachelor party for Steve because he ‘wasn’t good at that sort of thing.’ (Really Mr. MeetUp? No one was going to buy that.) The job fell to the male counterpart to a couple Steve and Leigh had become close to during the Ralph drama. Ralph came to the event late, left early, and wasn’t all that pleasant while he was there.

The final straw came when Ralph said he couldn’t make the rehearsal a couple of days before it happened. He knew when the event was for several weeks but waited until the last minute to say he had to skip it. Steve was done. Ralph was out of the wedding party. He would be welcome as a guest but Steve had run out of patience for Ralph’s refusal to participate. The wedding is this Saturday. This may be the only time when most of the people in attendance have cause to say “Thank gods this wedding is dry.”

One of our friends tried to advocate for him since he’s had a crappy year. To paraphrase, ‘he wrecked his bike and body. He tried to grow the group but got booted out instead. Now he has to watch his friend marry someone who he knows in his heart of hearts is wrong for him.’ I won’t disagree that it has not been a good year for Ralph but most of it is his own fault.

He made the poor decision to ride on a trail when it was dark. While he didn’t deserve his injuries, I doubt he took any ownership of them either. While he had his reasons, selfish or not, for trying to change the MeetUp group, his arrogant methods backfired. Rather than apologize, listen, or sacrifice any pride, he turned on his heel, nose high in the air, and stomped off.

It became clear when Ralph displayed his complete lack of maturity when he tried to take over a MeetUp event he’d previously run. Promising we wouldn’t use any of his previous work wasn’t good enough. When we made it clear we weren’t interested in his help, Ralph tried to manipulate Steve into forcing the event to go the way he (Ralph) wanted it to. Steve bowed out rather than be stuck in the middle.

As for his friend marrying the wrong person, Ralph is the only person I can think of who isn’t supportive of this union. Steve has become a more likable person since Leigh has been in his life. Before, I usually wanted to punch him in the throat inside half an hour. Now, I just want to kick him in the shins once or twice an event and move on. Leigh hasn't had the easiest road but Steve loves and supports her. They make each other happy and bring out the best in each other. 

As someone who has watched friends date obviously wrong people, you can’t talk them out of loving someone. You certainly can’t talk them out of it by blatantly telling them they’re wrong. Speak your piece as kindly as you can and move on. Instead of making peace with the situation or accepting one of the many olive branches offered, Ralph persists in hating Leigh.

Both the bride and I agree their friendship is basically over. Steve was willing to try but Ralph wasn’t interested in making any sort of effort on behalf of anyone but himself. It hasn't been a good year for him but he's the reason why. While I'm happy for Leigh and Steve, I'm worried for what this wedding will bring.

Spelling Out Some Drama

Tori Spelling used her reality as her career and entertainment for the masses. When Dean McDermott was outed for having an affair, everyone stayed quiet. For the first time in a long time the McDermotts were fighting the tabloid fodder they’ve become.

I both understood it and found it hypocritical. Nobody wants their dirty laundry to be public spectacle at the same time they’re dealing with it. Rather than own it, Tori tried to hide it and process it. As much as I understand that I also wanted to call shenanigans when she tried to hide what was happening and pretend everything’s fine.

Now that she has control of it, true to form Tori is using her marital woes for a new short reality show on Lifetime, True Tori. Part of me is glad she’s being so public about this. I’m sure there are a lot of women in a similar place and appreciate having someone own that this happens. Part of me also wants to call shenanigans because she tried to hide it until she could make a good profit on it.

Either way, I’m definitely tuning in and watching the spectacle. I could use the diversion.

Music: Sleeping with a Friend by Neon Trees

Ditch the Attitude

There’s a weekly MeetUp I’m a huge fan of.  I met The Boy there and several awesome new friends. A local concert venue/bar does drink specials and an episode of Popular Fandom Show. It’s not exclusive to MeetUp but we usually bring 15-30 people each week

We chill for the Happy Hour, watch an episode, and then proceed to a nearby bar.  It is often Same Bar because we’re a big group and they can accommodate us with no notice on a Friday night. Given the variety of venues DC has to offer, some people want to try new places. Tensions have started arising because of the lack of overlap between people who complain about Same Bar every week and the people who suggest new places.

This was discussed in the comment section of last week’s event.  Ira said he wanted to go somewhere else.  Alec replied that if he can find a bar that can take 30 people with no notice on a Friday, we were all ears. (Alec later included a link to a new place.) I commented that I 100% agreed with him and was tired of people complaining without offering any alternatives.

A girl who either just started coming in the last few weeks or was coming with the MeetUp the first time (most of us had never met her before), replied “The people who complain about just ditch you guys anyway.” She added, “The people who go to Same Bar at least.” I don’t think the clarification was necessary but thanks for the added bitchiness.

I have a problem with New Bitch. She strikes me as someone who frequently has problems with other people but has no idea why. She hasn’t learned that it’s not what you say but how you say it. In this case, she said it in a way that offended at least three people.  NB is either lacking maturity, social grace, or both.

This was confirmed when Connor jumped in to say that bickering and animosity won’t solving anything. New Bitch said, “I didn’t see any animosity.” Really? Cause I think you were the only one.

Nobody likes complainers. If you would rather complain and ‘ditch’ everyone when we don’t do what you want, you come across as an entitled mean girl from 10^th grade. If you want to offer useful suggestions and ‘do your own thing’ if you dislike the group’s decision, that’s fine.

I prefer a cheaper venue than the usual one for any pre-event gathering. I don’t bitch but just go somewhere else and meet the group later. One post-event place we tried as tapas. It was nice but pricey. The Boy and I defected to Same Bar after an hour or two of socializing. Several others followed.

I have no idea what this week will bring but I’m hoping for limited drama this time around. I don’t foresee New Bitch becoming a regular.

The Year Is Almost Over. Thank Cthulhu

Everyone remembers the hoopla about December 21, 2012. At my New Year’s party I declared that since many people did not expect 2013 to happen it was obligated to be awesome. It has left something to be desired.

My social life and love life get two big thumbs up. The Boy is the longest functional relationship I’ve had. I’ve added a large number of awesome people to my group of friends. A variety of delightful and entertaining things have been done with both groups of people.

My professional life and family life get two big middle fingers and some choice words. Most of the year was spent at a job that was not rewarding professionally, personally, or financially. I had few prospects while still employed there and we parted ways right before the holidays.

While I would never go back there it’s sucky time of year to be unemployed. Everyone is on leave or offices are closed so no one can make a decision. I’m in limbo on two different positions that sound really promising because no one is around. No news isn’t bad news but it certainly doesn’t feel like good news. For them it’s just some decision to make when they get the time; for me it’s my life.

The situation with my mother has worsened. On Christmas we made vague plans to do something on Friday morning. The entire debacle previously discussed occurred after those plans were made as well as my mother blaming me for her lacking social situation. Apparently after all drama and harsh words I was supposed to honor those plans and she spent all morning waiting around for me to honor those plans. Generally if people exchange hurtful and malicious words, especially involving blame, they don’t want to spend time together.

On her way out the door she informed me that we may never be close again. I hate it when people say something to instigate conflict then walk away. It’s cowardly and passive-aggressive. Either finish what you started or don’t start it. I called her on that and deteriorated into her informing me that our current problems are 100% my fault.

I’m willing to take partial ownership in the situation. I’m not a saint and dysfunctional dynamics don’t create themselves. But most of these problems stem from my mother not saying what she wants or how she feels. She’ll drop hints or be incredibly subtle then get upset when you do the wrong thing. If she would rather lash out than deal with problems, I’m not interested in fixing anything.

What I really want to do is move out. I had a roommate in college who was emotionally unstable and it was awful. I was always on edge. The only place I felt safe or comfortable was away from my home. I looked for excuses to be anywhere else. I can’t move out until I have income and a little more money squared away but that’s a big goal for me right now. Moving out will either improve my relationship with my mother or destroy what’s left. I’m open to either at the moment.

Music: Sorry About Your Parents by Icon for Hire

'Happy' Thanksgiving

I have been remiss. Many of you have heard that Thanksgiving was spent with The Boy’s family. Since it’s just me and my mom we usually have a small shindig. The Boy’s Thanksgiving was a record high: him, his parent’s, his dad’s brother, his sister, 2 of her friends, his aunt + spouse, followed by me and my mom.

It went rather smoothly during the event. It was a combo of adults over 40 and twentysomethings. There was 9 kinds of cheese, oyster appetizers, a full dinner, and 4 kinds of pie (we supplied the mixed berry). TV was mostly football until the twentysomethings opted for Lady Gaga and the Muppets during dessert. We discussed how different Lady Gaga looked and the lack of Muppets.

I thought things went very well...until I got home. My mother has no desire to really expand her social circle so this was very stressful for her. Dinner lasted a couple of hours longer than expected. She had nothing negative to say about anyone there. She loved how well mannered The Boy was and thought his mother was sweet and gracious. Despite that, it was “the worst Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.”

I could tell she wasn’t looking forward to it which prevented me from looking forward to it. I gave her multiple opportunities to get out of it but she said she’d go. I don’t know why she was anxious or had such a miserable time. She doesn't understand why either and has no major interest in finding out. 

I think she’ll be skipping Christmas. I kind of hope she'll be skipping Christmas so I can just have dessert there and not come home to drama.