PopSugar Reading Challenge Book 20 or I Do

I've been curious about Jen Doll's book for a while and she seems like an interesting woman so I checked off 'written by a female author' and saved the date. I was honestly a bit underwhelmed. For all the weddings she attended, I expected more emotion, more drama, and a bit more cohesion to the story of the rest of her life. I felt like Doll was playing everything very close to her chest, not letting us see too far into her world.

This reserved feeling was aided by the formal tone she took. It didn't feel like I was getting someone's life story but reading an essay from the New Yorker. I didn't feel like she was confiding in me or telling me the whole truth. Maybe that was just the nature of a memoir told about pieces of someone's life rather than the whole story. Maybe Doll wanted to keep some of it for herself.

Despite how often I heard about Ginny and knew the importance of Doll's loss of that friendship, there was almost no information about it. Ginny's husband was a jerk and had even talked about divorcing him with her parents but the reader's have no idea why. Whatever crimes her husband committed against her, Doll never gave the reader any details, any reason to hate him as much as she did. This felt like a big apology to Ginny.

It was an entertaining memoir but not as interesting as I expected.

All the Drama

For the last year or so, my group of friends has been having a lot of drama surrounding a friend we'll call Ralph. I was never crazy about Ralph. We’d sit next to each other at bar trivia or another event and he would ignore me. He would make no effort to engage me in any sort of conversation or acknowledge my existence. He also had an intense dislike of the person his best friend, Steve, was with. She was very similar to me (outspoken, strong personality). I suspected he disliked us for the same reason and just went about avoiding him.

Ralph’s intense dislike of his friend’s fiancée, Leigh, continued to the point where he confronted her with some old information from a questionable source. Rather than say he found some unsavory information and ask her to explain what happened, he attacked her. It was an inquisition and she was incredibly upset. Whatever higher ground he thought he had, he lost it by treating her like a criminal.

When I heard he wrecked his bike and suffered a few major injuries while riding on a trail at night, I posted a get well soon on his social media but didn’t like him enough to go visit him. As far as I knew, he wouldn’t much enjoy my company anyway. Once his bones knit, he needed to go to physical therapy. Despite his rudeness, Leigh took him to physical therapy several times. She was nothing but nice to Ralph.

At a holiday party where Steve was in attendance but Leigh was not, Ralph was more than willing to tell several of us that he didn’t approve of the union. I liked Leigh and told him that she’d had a really positive impact on Steve’s behavior and life in general. Ralph wasn’t willing to see beyond what he wanted in a woman and consider what Steve wanted or what was best for him. If Ralph didn’t approve of it, it was wrong. No matter how nice Leigh was to Ralph, he wouldn’t stop badmouthing her behind her back.

Ralph was the main organizer of a very popular MeetUp of over a few thousand people. It was how I knew him. However, it was a geek/nerd/fandom centered group and Ralph openly told people he didn’t identify thusly. He was also not the only organizer, just the most active one. This past January, he changed the name of the MeetUp to something vague, nondescript, and forgettable. People were pissed.

It’s not that he wanted to change the name, it’s that he didn’t bother to speak with anyone about it including the rest of the group leadership. None of the members were consulted and we wanted our voices heard since we were invested in the group. In addition to ignoring the voices of anyone who didn’t agree with him, Ralph tried to rip the genre center out of the group. He claimed it was to grow the group but no one was buying it.

In addition to steady growth over the last couple of years, Ralph had burned through most of the dateable members of the MeetUp. Everyone suspected he was trying to get a fresh crop of women for him to pick through. It really didn’t help his cause when he said part of the reason he dropped the ‘geek/nerd/dork’ label was because some people considered it derogatory. It was bad when he disregarded the thoughts of group members because we didn’t organize anything. It was worse when he essentially insulted us.

While Ralph was fighting with the membership, he was also fighting the leadership, who were being rather diplomatic. One offered to do a survey to not only gauge the reaction to the name change but also see what the members wanted more of, less of, etc. Ralph said that was fine but he wasn’t changing the name back. Despite several attempts to help him save face, Ralph escalated the situation so that the only thing he could do was publicly apologize or leave the group. Rather than sacrifice his precious pride and listen to other people, he took his toys and left. Ralph started his own generic group which I’ve heard was doing OK but not as well as the group he alienated.

Ralph still had his friendship with Steve. Despite his continue rude and immature behavior, Leigh was still accommodating to Steve, even inviting him to her birthday party. Ralph spent 90% of his time there ignoring the other guests speaking only to Steve and not saying goodbye to Leigh when he left. Rather than try to accept the numerous olive branches Leigh offered him and try to be civil for the sake of Steve, Ralph persisted in making things difficult.

Ralph was the best man in Steve’s upcoming wedding, though I suspect this was mostly due to their history. As the wedding festivities began, Ralph made it clear that he was not going to be the best man for anything. He did not plan any sort of bachelor party for Steve because he ‘wasn’t good at that sort of thing.’ (Really Mr. MeetUp? No one was going to buy that.) The job fell to the male counterpart to a couple Steve and Leigh had become close to during the Ralph drama. Ralph came to the event late, left early, and wasn’t all that pleasant while he was there.

The final straw came when Ralph said he couldn’t make the rehearsal a couple of days before it happened. He knew when the event was for several weeks but waited until the last minute to say he had to skip it. Steve was done. Ralph was out of the wedding party. He would be welcome as a guest but Steve had run out of patience for Ralph’s refusal to participate. The wedding is this Saturday. This may be the only time when most of the people in attendance have cause to say “Thank gods this wedding is dry.”

One of our friends tried to advocate for him since he’s had a crappy year. To paraphrase, ‘he wrecked his bike and body. He tried to grow the group but got booted out instead. Now he has to watch his friend marry someone who he knows in his heart of hearts is wrong for him.’ I won’t disagree that it has not been a good year for Ralph but most of it is his own fault.

He made the poor decision to ride on a trail when it was dark. While he didn’t deserve his injuries, I doubt he took any ownership of them either. While he had his reasons, selfish or not, for trying to change the MeetUp group, his arrogant methods backfired. Rather than apologize, listen, or sacrifice any pride, he turned on his heel, nose high in the air, and stomped off.

It became clear when Ralph displayed his complete lack of maturity when he tried to take over a MeetUp event he’d previously run. Promising we wouldn’t use any of his previous work wasn’t good enough. When we made it clear we weren’t interested in his help, Ralph tried to manipulate Steve into forcing the event to go the way he (Ralph) wanted it to. Steve bowed out rather than be stuck in the middle.

As for his friend marrying the wrong person, Ralph is the only person I can think of who isn’t supportive of this union. Steve has become a more likable person since Leigh has been in his life. Before, I usually wanted to punch him in the throat inside half an hour. Now, I just want to kick him in the shins once or twice an event and move on. Leigh hasn't had the easiest road but Steve loves and supports her. They make each other happy and bring out the best in each other. 

As someone who has watched friends date obviously wrong people, you can’t talk them out of loving someone. You certainly can’t talk them out of it by blatantly telling them they’re wrong. Speak your piece as kindly as you can and move on. Instead of making peace with the situation or accepting one of the many olive branches offered, Ralph persists in hating Leigh.

Both the bride and I agree their friendship is basically over. Steve was willing to try but Ralph wasn’t interested in making any sort of effort on behalf of anyone but himself. It hasn't been a good year for him but he's the reason why. While I'm happy for Leigh and Steve, I'm worried for what this wedding will bring.

March Shopfessions

I figure it will be easier to confess my shopping indiscretions if I add them pat the end of the month. Inevitably I got some birthday gift cards and got some money from books sold during the purge.

I allowed a lot more self-indulgence since it was my birthday.

Clothes I Didn't Need
Keep Your Options Spoke Shirt - $35
(I was waiting for this grand display of snark to come in)
Exactly As It Schemes Shirt - $30
(This is something I could pull off at work with not-jeans)

Books/Comics I Didn't Need
Smut Peddler 2012 PDF - $15
(Sex positive comics? Yes, please)
Smut Peddler 2014 Paperback - $30
Templar Arizona All Four Books - $45
Barnes and Noble - $46 (Went to kill a gift card. That backfired.)

MISC Things I Didn't Need
Lip color from Shiro - $9
(Most shadows can be turned into a custom lip color)
Lip color sample from Shiro - $2
(I never much liked Justin but I did like this color)
Shiro shipping - $2.75
Look Human shipping - $3
(I got a gift card for my birthday and just paid shipping.)
Uber - $32.73
Dessa & Aby Wolf albums - $33

Charity
Green Peace - $15

That makes a grand total of $298.48 of unnecessary spending. It really stings when you see how much 'little' slips total up. Call the Uber 'unnecessary' is debatable. I'd been sick for a couple of days and didn't have the energy for all the metro and walking to get to the Night Vale show I had tickets for. Dessa and Aby Wolf were the 'weather' at Night Vale and they were excellent.

One expense I didn't add here was shopping for wedding presents. I've got 2 this year and I tackled buying off the registries early before the only thing left was a $300 Dyson vacuum. I feel like I get adult points for buying these items early. I also checked of a birthday present for someone.

I'm including charity because it's not a necessary expense but a nice one. I'm hoping to give to one of my beloved podcasts in the coming months. Support the arts and shenanigans! Now I just need to get better about supporting my wallet.

I Do...Like a Book Challenge

I had an interesting idea for a book challenge. I don’t plan on doing this any time soon but when I was working on different category ideas, I thought of saying about weddings. Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

What if there was a book challenge but instead of 4 books it was 7?

Old

New

Borrowed

Blue

White

Marriage

Family

Could be cute for a book nerd getting married. I’ll file that away to suggest on GoodReads forums.

Music: Tie It Up by Kelly Clarkson

Home Sweet Own Challenge Book 33

For Wild Card I indulged my curiosity about weddings and read Altared: Bridezillas, Bewilderment, Big Love, Breakups, and What Women Really Think about Contemporary Weddings edited by Colleen Curran. It’s a collection of essays about weddings broken up into different sections based on themes.

I liked the variety of voices. Most of the voices were from married women but we heard from divorced women, single women, women who married while pregnant, a woman who called off the wedding and then the engagement.

I was a little disappointed in the lack of bridezillas. All of the women seem self-aware enough, at least in hindsight, that there weren’t any horror stories that reality television thrives on. Most of them saw themselves get swept away in the insanity of the bridal industry and family pressure.

The voices here were mostly practical and realistic. While many recognized it was an important event, it wasn’t about me-me-me but everyone coming together. It was really interesting to hear women talk about how they got sucked into Brideland and weren’t sure how to get out. Some admitted it was because they were trying not to think about something else.

My favorites were the women who realized that while awesome, a wedding is a just one day. It is a party to celebrate what comes after, the marriage. An extravagant affair won’t guarantee love and respect, a casual affair doesn’t foretell a simple and easy life. The wedding doesn’t foretell anything about the marriage. It just sends it out.

1) Fiction – A Once Crowded Sky by Tom King

2) Nonfiction – The Man Who Loved Books Too Much by Allison Hoover Bartlett

3) Sci-Fi – Redshirts by John Scalzi

4) Fantasy – The Last Dragonslayer by Jasper Fforde

5) Mystery – Book of Lies by Brad Meltzer

6) Horror – Call of the Jersey Devil by Aurelio Voltaire

7) Memoir/Biography – Data, A Love Story by Amy Webb

8) Chick Lit – Me and Mr. Darcy by Alexandra Potter

9) Feminist – Commencement by J. Courtney Sullivan

10) Teen – What Happened to Goodbye by Sarah Dessen

11) Holiday

12) Essays – What Was I Thinking? ed. by Barbara Davilman & Liz Dubelman

13) Short Stories – Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman

14) Library

15) Animal

16) Book about Books – Judging a Book By Its Lover by Lauren Leto

17) New – Pitch Perfect by Mickey Rapkin

18) Old – Dark and Stormy Knights edited by P. N. Elrod

19) Pop Science – Why Men Fake It by Abraham Morgentaler, MD

20) Near – Lust, Lies, and Love Over Lunch by Krista White

21) Far – Fuzzy Nation by John Scalzi

22) Graphic Novel – Love and Capes: Do You Want to Know a Secret? by Thomas F. Zahler

23) Reread – Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

24) Wild Card – Altared edited by Colleen Curran

25) Otherworldly Creature – Those Who Fight Monsters edited by Justin Gustianis

26) Free – Point Your Face at This by Demetri Martin

27) Noteworthy

28) Bestseller – How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran

29) Themed Anthology – Red edited by Kris Goldsmith

30) Steampunk – The Immersion Book of Steampunk edited by Gareth Jones and Carmelo Rafala

31) Movie-Book – One for the Money by Janet Evanovich

32) Media – Doctor Who: Touched By an Angel by Jonathan Morris

33) Travel – Love with a Chance of Drowning by Torre DeRoche

34) Food

35) Classic – Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

36) Humor – Sleep Talkin’ Man by Karen Slavick-Lennar

37) Poetry

38) Past – Stasiland by Anna Funde

39) Future

40) Dystopia/Post-Apocalyptic

41) Zombie

42) Sports – Red Rising by Ted Starkey

Music: Take Cover by Acceptance

Skeletor in Bridal

I discovered something recently that I think is absolutely brilliant: Target makes wedding dresses. If I were planning a wedding on a tight budget, I would totally consider getting married in one of these. The only downside is that I probably couldn’t dye it purple. They do come in other colors since several are designed to be bridesmaid dresses.

Since Target makes super cheap gowns, I thought I’d see what else is out there. I poked around David’s Bridal in the under $600 dollar section. They have a lot of great options for brides on budgets. It’s just a pity most of those options are alarmingly identical.

Seriously I don’t know how many ways you can reincarnate white satin but after so long, the dresses become difficult to tell apart. One dress stood out a little but most of them just bored me. I know you get the more interesting stuff when you spend more money but there are bound to be more interesting party dresses for better prices.

If I ever get married I want to wear some combination of white and purple so I nosed around bridesmaid dresses. Much like bridal, none of the dresses stood out which is kind of the point of bridesmaid dresses. One of the models stood out but for all the wrong reasons.

If the camera adds five pounds, does that mean this woman doesn’t exist?

When I first saw this picture, I jumped a little bit. She reminded me of some skeletal demon out of horror movie. I showed her picture to a bunch of my guy friends and they were just as freaked as me. One said she reminded him of starving children in Africa.

I thought most places were trying to cut back on unhealthy models. The Target models are small but they don’t look like ads for world hunger. I want to tie her down and force feed her a la Se7en but only until her clothing size is an actual number. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married but I won’t be looking at David’s Bridal until they get models that eat food.

Disclaimer: I know at least one of you will be thinking this so I’ll just say it. While things are going well with Boy Toy, they have not been going well long enough for me to even consider the above an option. Should it continue to go well into the next hockey season and meeting the families never say never.

Music: Real Girls by Chantel Claret

Did Your Timer Go Off or Are You Happy to See Me?

I heard about the craziest thing on the Kane Show this morning. It’s a marriage bra to remind women about their goal. It has a countdown timer and a little compartment for an engagement ring. Once the timer is up, the little compartment containing the ring opens. You can set it for 6 months, 2 years. They’re being lame and not posting any sort of link but I think they’re talking about this. 

One of the articles I linked said this is a blatant publicity stunt but mark my words if people are not clamoring for it. Real or not, there is a market for this and despite sleeping horribly last night I know this is a special sort of crazy. I will bet you money there are women all over the U.S. wondering when they can get one.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will once again rip the wedding industry a new one.

This is just another crazy consumer product to feed into this notion that women must get married. Is there an equivalent device for men? Of course not. The idea itself is more laughable than the existence of this sick piece of lingerie.

Men and weddings are not financially viable. Men aren’t raised to idealize ceremony + party (that’s all a wedding is folks). They haven’t been force-fed these fairy tale illusions about relationships. Men rent a monkey suit, not drop $10,000 on a dress they’ll wear once.

I don’t find anything admirable about getting married. Getting married gets you my congratulations and best wishes. Staying married for years and still liking each other gets you my admiration. If your goal is to get married for the sake of getting married, I want in on the pool for the duration of your marriage. 

I’d love to be married but it won’t be until I have a person who will be there for the fun adventures, bad times, and all my neurotic moments. It’s not because my boobs started beeping like the epic egg timer of awkward. If I saw a dude with the boxer briefs of matrimony I’d run like a blonde in a horror movie. 

And you know the women who buy this perverted paraphernalia are the ones have $50,000 ceremonies in the $13,000 dresses for 3 year marriages. I want to see the math on some of these more lavish ceremonies. How much was each year of your marriage worth to the billion dollar industry?

If the wedding industry really wants to make a fortune and the U.S. wants to get better get marriage statistics, let gay people get married. I’ve met several lifers who can’t be legally married but have been together almost as long as I’ve been alive. Do you really think some of the more fabulous gay people would pass up having a reality-show worthy ceremony?

Current Music: Stop Pretending by Vicci Martinez