Hell Took Notes

Verizon is a perfectly lovely mobile company until you have a problem. They then go from fine to worst customer support in the universe. I’ve never met any aliens but I’d take that bet.

It stared when I got apple picked last weekend. It’s such a sweet term for ‘soberly sitting on the metro when some asshole rips my phone from my hand, cuts my finger in the process, and thanks me as he runs away.’ There were a couple of witnesses who were really nice to me and I finally had a positive experience with cops. Still kind of traumatic.

I had phone insurance so I go to the Verizon store right when it opens and tell the guy I was robbed 12 hours ago. He gives me a booklet and a shrug because there’s nothing he can do for me in store. Apparently that includes canceling the stolen phone.

I take my booklet home and call the 800 number. It’s the standard machine annoyance that I hate dealing with. I got bumped up the line to a real person. She made me miss the machine. She was robotic, unhelpful, and mispronounced my last name with letters that weren’t even in it. 

The ‘customer service rep’ then called me by the wrong first name. When I corrected her, she said that no, she had been speaking with the other person. I think I know who I am bitch. I said my full name for you when you picked up.

I now must complete a form and scan/fax it back before anything else can be done which pushes the resolution back another day. I am so upset about BS policies and bad service I write one of my notorious strongly worded customer service letters. I had to Google where to email it since that was no longer available on the website.

I get a call from a guy from HQ. He was polite and appropriately contrite however he made no offers of compensation or said much of anything that made me feel better. I was still out too much damn money and all the bad employees were still employed. 

FedEx delivered my new phone to my house but no one was home to sign for it so I had to pick it up. I call the number to ask them to hold it and the insurance people won’t do that. It’s their policy. I make sure no one signs for it so I can get it from FedEx on my way home from work the next day. A nice chick at Target offered to put the new screen protector which I took her up on. She was awesome.

I attempt to start using the phone when alerts kept popping up saying it was not activated and call this 800 number. I call the number, answer the asinine questions, and am told to replace the SIM card. Turns out the insurance people forgot to include the thing that makes my iPhone act like a phone. Cue strongly worded customer service letter #2.

I got to spend a good bit of my lunch break today on the phone with the first Verizon guy and one of the insurance people. She called this ‘a little mistake.’ If the guy changing your oil accidentally cuts your brake lines, is that ‘a little mistake?’ Well, it rendered your technical thing useless so don’t play down someone else’s stupidity. It’s insulting and infuriating.

The first lady said that I could get the SIM card any time between Friday and Monday. Are you fucking with me? I have a convention this weekend. Unless I wanna be chaperoned or fly solo, I need my phone to be a damn phone! I was given the option of buying the stuff myself and get reimbursed. I’ll have the ‘No’ with a side of ‘Hell No!’

Verizon guy and I are sent to another person who says she’ll do what she can to get it overnighted. At this point I am offered a car charger, ear piece, and $40 off my next phone bill. As far as pain and suffering go, I feel I’m being lowballed. 

Verizon guy then promises to do everything in his power to make sure it goes out next day. He called my house again at 6 to tell me so. I’m glad he was making an effort because no one else was. He was the only Verizon person who, IMHO, was worth a damn in all this.

I needed to get a log of the activity for the police investigation and I don’t want to spend another bit of my personal life signing up for the Verizon website. I go into the store on my way home from work. I tell the clerk why I’m there. He walks over to the computer, gets my info, and then gives me a visual as to why he can’t give me what I need. I don’t need a visual. If you can’t help me, I’ll take you at your word. He ‘tried to tell me that’ which is complete bullshit.

That was the point where I crossed into crazy bitch territory, knew it, and really didn’t care. I lost it a bit and did a smidgen of ranting. I thank him for wasting my time. He thanked me for wasting his. Excuse me?

I didn’t insult you personally or start swearing at you although you leading me to believe you were good for something merits some ire. You don’t get to talk to me like that, especially not when I have the ear of corporate. Cue strongly worded customer service letter #3.

I know I was being a difficult customer and a bit of a crazy bitch. I even acknowledge it in letter #3. Having said that everything detailed above is vastly abridged and omitting as many details as possible for space. Combine this with 0 good nights of sleep since the robbery and my experience has been so torturous Hell took notes.

If anyone gets to be a crazy bitch right now, it’s me. 

If you need me, I’ll be reachable via email and FB. Don’t call me, I’ll call you, eventually.

Complaint Department

I have confirmed that I am quite good at the strongly worded customer service letter. In the last few years, I’ve gotten an upgrade to free shipping, a $5 credit, a free burrito, and a 5 song credit. Since many people complain but don’t always see results, I’m offering a few tips.

Only complain if you have a valid reason – If you become a frequent flyer, you will stop getting rewards for being a perpetual whiner. I am sure they have ways of flagging these kinds of people. If your reason sucks, you won’t get anything. My examples are below.

-My complaint to the Apple store came from a simple question I wanted to email in. The website wouldn’t work enough times I called the help line (which I hate doing). The automated system told me to use the website that wouldn’t let me send the email. Once I finally got my email sent, I told them what a nightmare it was getting the email sent. I got the 5 free song credits along with my answer.

-I ordered some books from Amazon. Normally, they come shrink-wrapped and waiting on my front step. All 5 or 6 books were loose in the box with some of those little air pillows for protection. It was also left out on a day when it was supposed to (and did) rain. I rightly complained and received $5 for my trouble.

Don’t forget good service – If the business you’re complaining too has never wronged you before or has done so infrequently, say so. It gives you more grounds to say how disappointed you are. I am a frequent customer at several restaurants and retailers. I can speak to how service usually is and how this deviates.

Be articulate – Clearly state what the problem was. Make sure they know the situation, the details, and how you felt because of their errors. If you’re angry, frustrated, disappointed, or other emotion make sure you say it as well as reflect it in your tone.

Don’t name call – Whoever is answering your email/call did not cause whatever trouble you’re experiencing.

Don’t swear – Once again, these people catch nonstop crap for something they didn’t do. Swearing makes you sound less intelligent, articulate, and sympathetic.

Get names – If the complaint is about an individual, remember name and/or identifying details. Bossman can’t do anything if he doesn’t know who’s screwing up.

No empty threats – Don’t threaten to take your business elsewhere if you don’t mean it. I no longer shop the cheezburger store for this reason. Threaten to tell others how bad the service was (you probably have already).

Compare to competitors – If they have a popular competitor you also use, say this has never happened with them. Don’t do this if you can’t back it up.

-I had a coupon code I was trying to redeem for a shirt. It did not show up on my emailed statement. When I attempted to use it again for a seasonal shirt, I was denied. I emailed customer service. I didn’t get a response for weeks and ordered my shirt before the expiration date sans discount. I got a response to my second email that the code didn’t show up on statements. I wasn’t offered a further discount or an apology. I emailed them back saying that I was so disappointed in their ‘service’ that I was done being their customer. I’m still repeating the story to this day.

Current Music: Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men