For the last year or so, my group of friends has been having a lot of drama surrounding a friend we'll call Ralph. I was never crazy about Ralph. We’d sit next
to each other at bar trivia or another event and he would ignore me. He would
make no effort to engage me in any sort of conversation or acknowledge my
existence. He also had an intense dislike of the person his best friend, Steve,
was with. She was very similar to me (outspoken, strong personality). I
suspected he disliked us for the same reason and just went about avoiding him.
Ralph’s intense
dislike of his friend’s fiancée, Leigh, continued to the point where he
confronted her with some old information from a questionable source. Rather
than say he found some unsavory information and ask her to explain what
happened, he attacked her. It was an inquisition and she was incredibly upset.
Whatever higher ground he thought he had, he lost it by treating her like a
criminal.
When I heard he
wrecked his bike and suffered a few major injuries while riding on a trail at
night, I posted a get well soon on his social media but didn’t like him enough
to go visit him. As far as I knew, he wouldn’t much enjoy my company anyway.
Once his bones knit, he needed to go to physical therapy. Despite his rudeness,
Leigh took him to physical therapy several times. She was nothing but nice to
Ralph.
At a holiday party
where Steve was in attendance but Leigh was not, Ralph was more than willing to
tell several of us that he didn’t approve of the union. I liked Leigh and told
him that she’d had a really positive impact on Steve’s behavior and life in
general. Ralph wasn’t willing to see beyond what he wanted in a woman and
consider what Steve wanted or what was best for him. If Ralph didn’t approve of
it, it was wrong. No matter how nice Leigh was to Ralph, he wouldn’t stop
badmouthing her behind her back.
Ralph was the main
organizer of a very popular MeetUp of over a few thousand people. It was how I
knew him. However, it was a geek/nerd/fandom centered group and Ralph openly
told people he didn’t identify thusly. He was also not the only organizer, just
the most active one. This past January, he changed the name of the MeetUp to
something vague, nondescript, and forgettable. People were pissed.
It’s not that he
wanted to change the name, it’s that he didn’t bother to speak with anyone
about it including the rest of the group leadership. None of the members were
consulted and we wanted our voices heard since we were invested in the group.
In addition to ignoring the voices of anyone who didn’t agree with him, Ralph
tried to rip the genre center out of the group. He claimed it was to grow the
group but no one was buying it.
In addition to
steady growth over the last couple of years, Ralph had burned through most of
the dateable members of the MeetUp. Everyone suspected he was trying to get a
fresh crop of women for him to pick through. It really didn’t help his cause
when he said part of the reason he dropped the ‘geek/nerd/dork’ label was
because some people considered it derogatory. It was bad when he disregarded
the thoughts of group members because we didn’t organize anything. It was worse
when he essentially insulted us.
While Ralph was
fighting with the membership, he was also fighting the leadership, who were
being rather diplomatic. One offered to do a survey to not only gauge the
reaction to the name change but also see what the members wanted more of, less
of, etc. Ralph said that was fine but he wasn’t changing the name back. Despite
several attempts to help him save face, Ralph escalated the situation so that
the only thing he could do was publicly apologize or leave the group. Rather
than sacrifice his precious pride and listen to other people, he took his toys
and left. Ralph started his own generic group which I’ve heard was doing OK but
not as well as the group he alienated.
Ralph still had his
friendship with Steve. Despite his continue rude and immature behavior, Leigh
was still accommodating to Steve, even inviting him to her birthday party.
Ralph spent 90% of his time there ignoring the other guests speaking only to
Steve and not saying goodbye to Leigh when he left. Rather than try to accept
the numerous olive branches Leigh offered him and try to be civil for the sake
of Steve, Ralph persisted in making things difficult.
Ralph was the best
man in Steve’s upcoming wedding, though I suspect this was mostly due to their
history. As the wedding festivities began, Ralph made it clear that he was not
going to be the best man for anything. He did not plan any sort of bachelor
party for Steve because he ‘wasn’t good at that sort of thing.’ (Really Mr.
MeetUp? No one was going to buy that.) The job fell to the male counterpart to
a couple Steve and Leigh had become close to during the Ralph drama. Ralph came
to the event late, left early, and wasn’t all that pleasant while he was there.
The final straw came
when Ralph said he couldn’t make the rehearsal a couple of days before it
happened. He knew when the event was for several weeks but waited until the
last minute to say he had to skip it. Steve was done. Ralph was out of the
wedding party. He would be welcome as a guest but Steve had run out of patience
for Ralph’s refusal to participate. The wedding is this Saturday. This may be the only time
when most of the people in attendance have cause to say “Thank gods this
wedding is dry.”
One of our friends
tried to advocate for him since he’s had a crappy year. To paraphrase, ‘he
wrecked his bike and body. He tried to grow the group but got booted out
instead. Now he has to watch his friend marry someone who he knows in his heart
of hearts is wrong for him.’ I won’t disagree that it has not been a good year
for Ralph but most of it is his own fault.
He made the poor
decision to ride on a trail when it was dark. While he didn’t deserve his
injuries, I doubt he took any ownership of them either. While he had his
reasons, selfish or not, for trying to change the MeetUp group, his arrogant
methods backfired. Rather than apologize, listen, or sacrifice any pride, he
turned on his heel, nose high in the air, and stomped off.
It became clear when
Ralph displayed his complete lack of maturity when he tried to take over a
MeetUp event he’d previously run. Promising we wouldn’t use any of his previous
work wasn’t good enough. When we made it clear we weren’t interested in his
help, Ralph tried to manipulate Steve into forcing the event to go the way he
(Ralph) wanted it to. Steve bowed out rather than be stuck in the middle.
As for his friend
marrying the wrong person, Ralph is the only person I can think of who isn’t
supportive of this union. Steve has become a more likable person since Leigh
has been in his life. Before, I usually wanted to punch him in the throat inside half an hour. Now, I just want to kick him in the shins once or twice an event and move on. Leigh hasn't had the easiest road but Steve loves and supports her. They make each other happy and bring out the best in each other.
As someone who has watched friends date obviously wrong people, you can’t talk them out of loving someone. You certainly can’t talk them out of it by blatantly telling them they’re wrong. Speak your piece as kindly as you can and move on. Instead of making peace with the situation or accepting one of the many olive branches offered, Ralph persists in hating Leigh.
Both the bride and I
agree their friendship is basically over. Steve was willing to try but Ralph
wasn’t interested in making any sort of effort on behalf of anyone but himself. It hasn't been a good year for him but he's the reason why. While I'm happy for Leigh and Steve, I'm worried for what this wedding will bring.
