Alphabet Challenge Round 12

Y is for Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison. The book says she’s a cynical smoker who goes on a 2 month yoga retreat to get in touch with her spiritual side. The problem I have with books who advertise ‘I’m cynical and have problems’ and then resolve all the problems by the end of the book already had one foot in the door. 

One memoir I read about a woman who decided to change her life with magazines complained about her terrible relationships but she was already in therapy and had a quality boyfriend candidate waiting in the wings. No memoir has someone go from totally-flawed to totally-fixed. There’s always some groundwork.

Morrison was the same because while she was a cynical coffee-loving smoker, she was also a yoga junkie before she left. She idolized her teacher and loved doing yoga so she was open to spiritual awakening no matter how agnostic she proclaimed to be. One of her reoccurring points is that she enjoys the theatricality of religion. Like many of us, she probably just wants something she can believe in.

She gradually warmed to the ideas and practices of people drinking the Kool-Aid (among other things). When she became the perfect yoga student with meditation, concentration, and a seizure-like vision, I wasn’t that shocked. The beginnings of that were already there. You can tell by the way she talks about the female yoga teacher she adores and idolizes her in the beginning. Her thirst for approval was obvious but not unfamiliar. 

Eventually the teacher is revealed to be flawed and human. Morrison claims to enjoy knocking her off the pedestal and kicking her former idol. She wanted something to believe in but her cynicism loved that this latest ‘god’ wasn’t perfect. 

At the end Morrison seems to be unchanged but in retrospect she admits to being transformed in a way she didn’t realize yet. Morrison has a good voice and this was an interesting story to tell.

A

B

C

D - Divergent by Veronica Roth

E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

F - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham

H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown

I

J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress

K

L

M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen

N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow

O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde

P

Q

R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner

S

T

U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman

V

W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

X

Y - Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison

Z

Current Music: You're a God - Vertical Horizon

Must. Watch. TV

I have heard from several places that the vast majority of kids are reading below grade level. In a world of texting over talking, the English skills of young people everywhere is going rapidly to crap. If it can’t be said in 140 characters or less, some kids won’t even read it. With this reality, is rewarding watching TV a good idea?

Viggle is a new app for the iProducts that gives you reward points for watching TV shows. For a half-hour sitcom, you get 30 points. For an hour long drama, it’s 60 points. If you hate the show and give up after 15 minutes, it’s 15 points. Some nights you get bonus points for certain shows e.g. Reality Dance Show is worth 300 points or Teen Melodrama is worth 100 points.

So how long does it take you to get rewards? $10 for iTunes is 18,000 points. That’s 600 sitcom episodes, 300 hour long episodes, or a combination of different bonus shows. Fortunately it’s only 15,000 points for $10 from Sephora. That gift card will give you a lot of mileage.

Much like Shazam and SoundHound, the iProduct knows what you’re watching and rewards you accordingly. My first concern was whether or not channels like Discovery or History were in on this. Good news: Yes they are and Hatfields & McCoys is worth bonus points. Bad news: It’s not worth as many points as The Bachelor or the Bachelorette.

If I do this I may have to try out my drinking game just to make the Bachelor watchable. While I would enjoy the subterfuge of getting one over on the app and creators of what my friend calls Whore Wars, I don’t know if it would be worth it.

Part of my concern is the quality of TV programming in this country in the first place. Basketball Wives, both Bachelor franchises, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and Bethenny Ever After are all worth bonus points. All of these shows are popular. Firefly died in obscurity and shows like Who Wants to Be an Engineer don’t exist. If you have to sift through hundreds of channels of crap to find three worthwhile things, it’s no wonder our population can’t read or pay attention to anything.

Here’s a link to their blog. If I decide to take this for a test drive, I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

Current Music: Dirty Work - Halestorm

Must Drink TV

Everybody is familiar with making movies or TV shows into drinking games. Reality Bites Back recommended I do the same thing to highlight the sexism in reality TV. Please note, I do NOT recommend playing this exclusively with alcohol or possibly any alcohol. You could die. 

The Bachelor Drinking Game (applicable to any elimination based dating show)

Drink at any of the following words and phrases:

-Princess 

-Prince Charming

-Cinderella

-Happily ever after

-Fairytale

-Royalty (mention of William & Kate counts)

-Women name calling other competitors including bitch, slut, whore, skank, tramp, hussy, bimbo, etc.

Bridezillas Drinking Game (applicable to most, if not all, wedding based shows)

-It’s my day (said by the bride)

-It’s your day (said to the bride)

-I’m the bride

-I don’t care (said by the bride)

-[Someone is] running my wedding!

-Perfect

-That’s not what I ordered/asked for

- Princess (I’m a/you’re a)

-Anyone gets kicked out of the wedding party

-Anyone gets kicked out of the wedding

Current Music: Magneto - Henry Jackman

Alphabet Challenge Round 11

F is for Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James. What started as a racy Twilight fan fiction became a digital bestseller and then became a New York Times bestseller. There was a bidding war for the movie rights. Copies can be found anywhere books are sold and I do mean anywhere.

For all the hype, I'm going to say something nobody wants to hear: What was the big damn deal? I really don't see what all the hype is for.

I see echoes of Twilight in James's work with Grey's protectiveness and extravagant gifts or in Ana's inexplicable and immediate devotion. James did change some things to suit the work like who left whom and why. 

James changed the most crucial thing between this and Twilight; there are no vampires, just adults into BDSM. They characters have sex and lots of it. The problem was that all the intrigue Twilight had because of vampires is gone. It's been replaced with sex scenes and it's not that much more interesting for it.

The quality of writing is mediocre. People bash Twilight for being poorly written but I didn't think Fifty Shades of Grey was any better. The characters aren't that compelling, the plot isn't that interesting, and writing isn't that good. For all the hoopla and people singing its praises, I give it a hearty "meh."

A

B
C
D - Divergent by Veronica Roth
E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
F - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James
G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham
H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown
I
J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress
K
L
M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen
N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow
O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde
P
Q
R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner
S
T
U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman
V
W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker
X
Y
Z

Current Music: Fidelity - Regina Spektor

Where's Wall-E?

George Takei always posts the best stuff on Facebook. Today he posted this photo. I've included a list of everyone I've found so far. There are some I just know I'm never gonna get but I'm sure the same can be said for several other people with some of the ones I knew right away. I mean, who else saw Treasure Planet, Flubber, and Meet the Robinsons. 

I have to say, I'm a little disappointed to not see some of the more humanoid robots like Six or Data. Regardless, the artist did a great job. I know I recognize the cylindrical guy i the top corner. Can anyone tell me where he's from.

Bender

C3PO

R2D2

The robot from Space Balls

Eva from Wall-E

Mo from Wall-E

I, Robot robot

Matrix robot

Meet the Robinsons robot

Dalek

Bad Robot

Original BSG dog robot

Cylon

Main robot from movie Robots

Original Terminator

Treasure Planet robot

Portal robot

“Danger Will Robinson!” robot

Flubber robot

Star Wars droid

Day the Earth Stood Still robot

Bill and Ted robots

Buzz Lightyear TV show robot

Gir

That little SOB from the Transformers movies (I think)

Android mascot

Marvin the depressed android

Rosie from Jetsons

Avatar combat robot

Metropolis robot

Bicentennial Man

The Tin Man (who is not actually a robot)

I don’t know who the robot in the monkey suit in the top left is but he reminds me of a character from Thursday Next

Current Music: Slam - Pendulum

Here’s Looking at You First Born

I noticed that both I and my mother both look like our fathers. My mother’s younger sister looks more like my grandmother. As an only child, there was no second born for me to consider. I never knew my father’s parents but my mother was a 5’4 blonde at my age whereas my father was 5’9 and almost entirely Italian. I inherited his height, dark hair, and dark eyes.

As I pondered this idea, I thought of more people who this was true for. When I mentioned it in conversation, a woman who was more scientifically minded than I insisted, “It’s just speculation.” Translation: without verifiable data, speculation is worthless. But isn’t that where science comes from? You observe, you speculate, you test, you analyze, and then you prove or disprove. I don’t have the means to test this theory but an unverified observation is not without merit.

Scientific American noticed the prevalence of the observation and when seeing if it was true I found this article. In terms of evolution, first borns looking like the father is advantageous because women know that’s their kid, men don’t. If the father believes that’s his child, he is much more likely to care for it. It follows a believable train of logic.

According to SA, it’s still unverified. Several studies have found results all over the map. I have a friend who is ¼ black from his mother and those are his dominating features. Patty Hearst’s daughter is the spitting image of her. 

Many people think I look like my mother (whose hair darkened as she got older) until they see pictures of my father. It could be I take after my father because he had the dominant traits. It could be common place for my maternal genetic line for first borns to look like the father. It could just be that’s what people are looking for. One of the studies mentioned in SA said that for the first few days, newborns look like the mother but the new mothers insist the kid looks like the father. 

It makes just as much sense in the crapshoot that is genetics for children to look like either parent. Or to get traits from god knows where. My hair naturally curly but both of my parents, their siblings, and all of my grandparents had straight hair. Going back in the family tree finds only my maternal grandfather’s siblings had curly hair. 

My particular observation wasn’t verified as fact but wasn’t entirely disproven either. In the game of genes, there doesn’t seem to be an easy answer which means people will continue to speculate for a long time.

Current Music: Rumor Has It - ADELE

Alphabet Challenge Round 10

E is for Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card and starts with a caveat: When you recommend books to your friends, don’t oversell the book. My friend read this when she was younger and ‘lost’ her library copy because she couldn’t stand to be without it. I wasn’t quite as in love partly because this book was oversold to me by multiple people. It was excellent but not the pinnacle of literature my friends made it out to be.

It’s an excellent book. It explores the human condition and human endurance. The battle scenes are well described and interesting to visualize. The characters are interesting but secretive. It describes warfare in a way that’s accessible for young ages which is not easy.

If you read it as a young person, reread it as an adult. You’ll take away very different things. It’s a good read at any age. The book also contains several truths about war and the human condition that are remarkably poetic. A forthcoming blog will contain some of my favorite quotes from the book.

There is only one slightly negative thing I have to say. Between the technicality of the writing and the necessary isolation of various characters, I just wasn’t as attached to this book as some of my personal favorites. However, I think that was the point given the level of isolation Ender endures

A

B
C
D - Divergent by Veronica Roth
E - Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
F
G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham
H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown
I
J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress
K
L
M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen
N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow
O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde
P
Q
R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner
S
T
U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman
V
W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker
X
Y
Z

Current Music: Eyes Open - Taylor Swift

Poison the Well

It’s no secret I’m a big fan of Dear Prudie. A past column was from a woman who was convinced that her mother-in-law was poisoning her. Every time they were alone, her MIL made it clear that this woman knew how hated she was. Each time she returns from a function at the MIL’s house, the woman is struck with ‘digestive distress.’ Her husband is perfectly fine. 

From what the letter writer said, her husband didn’t believe her or just didn’t want to admit his mother could do that. Prudie advised asking her husband to switch cups and plates with her and see what the MIL’s reaction is. She also noted that the letter writer’s husband should take his mother’s hateful tirades seriously.

Prudie heard back from this woman in a recent column and sure enough, she was right. There were place settings for a dinner at the MIL’s and the woman switched the sauces at her husband’s and her places. By the time they got home, her husband was experiencing ‘digestive distress’ while she was completely fine. The following day she told her husband what she had done and “he looked at me with such hatred in his eyes that I knew he had known all along what his mother was up to.” 

The contemporary Ward Cleaver actually accused his wife of trying to poison him! Do people not listen to themselves when they talk? Your wife has told you time and again your mother says ugly things when you’re out of the room. Every time wifey eats mom’s cooking, she comes home ill but wifey is the villain because she tried to prove that her MIL is one twisted fuck?

I think the fact that she was telling her husband this and he wouldn’t believe her was very telling. It was even more telling that when Prudie suggested publically switching plates, the woman didn’t trust her husband enough to “bring him into my confidence.” If he’s not treating your concerns with any validity, that’s a problem. If he’s not dealing with the evidence that mommy weirdest may be poisoning you, that’s an even bigger problem. 

She says she’s finally left him but what I really want to know why she married him in the first place. Did MIL only turn evil after the wedding? I doubt it. Did her husband disregard all her opinions or just negative ones about his mother? (FYI, there is no right answer.) 

If my SO’s mother hated me so very much, I don’t know that I’d marry the person. If his mother said ugly things to me when we were alone, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him. I have nothing to gain from doing something like that and his reaction would tell me a lot. If he dismissed my concerns (basically calling me a liar), I’d dismiss him.

Current Music: Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2

Up in the Air

I heard a great thing on The Kane Show. While they were on a plane over the weekend, two of the people from the show sat next to a woman who did her nails on the plane. Color and top coat. How self-involved can you be that you think, “I need to do my nails despite the enclosed space and offensive chemical smell”?

Kane posted her picture on Twitter and the woman is a fan of the show and called in! She was mad that they did that and said “I paid for that seat and that space. I should be able to do whatever I want.” By that order people can do yoga, breast feed, make-out, masturbate, floss, blast your music sans headphones, and change a diaper. I can make my peace with breast feeding if you have a scarf or something to add privacy. I know babies have to eat but I have no desire to know you that well random stranger. Everything else is obnoxious and inexcusable.

She further defended what she did by saying that people bring on smelly food like “Subway meatball subs with onions.” Much like babies, people need to eat. When ordering food you should consider that the windows don’t open but no one will mock you Twitter for getting lunch.

When people said the smell gives them migraines or can trigger asthma attacks, she said “People have peanut allergies and they still serve peanuts.” Very few airlines still do that and people actually get a choice whether they fly that airline. 

“It’s the same as perfume.” Really? Nobody puts on perfume while sitting on the damn plane. If it’s already on, the damage is done, start wheezing. Again, people should go easy on the scented crap before flying but nobody will mock you unless your offensive smell is BO or you bathed in your cologne.

An airline stewardess called in and said that she was surprised someone didn’t take it away because it’s flammable. That finally shut her up. It wasn’t because nobody agreed with her. It wasn’t because all her arguments were lamer than a two-legged dog. It was because it was a fire hazard.

If I was sitting next to her and she got up to go to the bathroom I would grab that stuff out of her purse and hid it. Nobody cares if your nails are funky and if I made a show out of taking your nail polish, people would clap. I know I would.

Do You See What I See?

The Capitals current #1 goalie Braden Holtby just welcomed a new baby boy, Benjamin Hunter, with his fiancée Brandi Bodnar. I offer hearty congratulations to both. Unfortunately this is where the blog stops being nice. At the risk of sounding catty, I’m going to speak candidly about the new mom’s image.

I’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. The womanizer of the series, Barney, goes through elaborate schemes and stories to get women to go home with him. It’s a running joke in his group of friends that most of these women are a special kind of stupid to fall for his obvious ploys. One of Barney’s favorite groups of women to go after are the ‘i instead of y’ girls. According to Barney, women who use i (Kelli, Holli, Sherri) are dumber and sluttier than the average girl.

I don’t agree with these sort of generalizations as a whole but the character isn’t totally wrong about what people will assume.  When first seeing a Kelli as opposed to a Kelly or Kellie, a lot of people deduct IQ points. It’s like having a southern accent. You’re simple until proven smart. (Yes I know what happens when you assume but honestly tell me you’ve never thought this.)

Since I follow a few Caps and Bears (Caps AHL affiliate) players on Twitter, I found the new mom’s Twitter account. The new mom’s picture is of her side-boob in a bikini showing off her tattoo. That picture is on her main page and paired with all her tweets. Her Twitter account wasn’t exactly an intellectual saving grace either. Ignoring the picture, she didn’t sound stupid but didn’t sound like science consultant for The Big Bang Theory either.

Holtby is 22; a rising star just out of the minor leagues. Bodnar is his fiancée, not wife. People will assume something there, merited or not. Add in the atypical, sorority girl spelling of Brandi and the tacky Twitter picture, the new mom’s image isn’t a good one. (Yes I know your body was awesome pre-baby but the picture is still tacky.)

John Erskine’s wife is on Twitter and she presents herself well from what I’ve seen. I haven’t seen or heard much of anything else from the other wives on the team. For a fan, that’s probably a good thing from a PR stand-point. If you’re not seeing them and hearing them, the wives aren’t having a direct correlation to their husband’s image.

I’m not saying sports wives shouldn’t be seen or heard. Far from it. They just have to be careful about how they’re seen and what everyone hears. What they say and do publicly reflects on their husbands reflects on the team as a whole.

If a sports wife is taking a vocal position on gun ownership or reproductive rights, that’s going to mean a lot for her husband and his relationship with the public. It could even affect his career. That’s life with a SO in the public eye. Remember Gisele after the Super bowl when she mouthed off to the press? That was less than helpful.

I will give the couple points for choosing a great name. The mock-ability is low and the history and meaning of the name is high. I think they did well there. From all the positive things I’m seeing toward Bodnar on Twitter, I’m sure she’s a nice and likable person.

However, teen girls are asking Holtby to the prom. If you want ugly, catty, and vicious things said about the new mom, they’ll be the ones to do it. They just discovered this woman exists and they aren’t going to like it. Bodnar should at least change the Twitter picture to stop fanning the inevitable fire. She doesn’t deserve anyone’s ire (jealousy maybe).

Current Music: Let It Ride - Automatic Loveletter

Fifty Shades of Roulette

I heard this on the morning radio show I listen to and I thought it was brilliant. Everyone has heard of Fifty Shades of Grey. It started as a fanfic and has become a NYT bestseller. I’m working on it for the Alphabet Challenge to see what the fuss is all about.

The Kane Show felt the same way and created Fifty Shades of Grey Roulette. To play you need a copy of the book (Kindle probably won’t work). You must put all of the page numbers on little pieces of paper and put them in a box (or hat or whatever). Pull out a page number, go to the page and begin reading aloud. Any time words or phrases you can’t say on the radio or around small children (e.g. nipple, fuck, penis, I came) say an animal noise instead.

It was hilarious! “Now I’m going to moo you.” “He put his hand on my meow.” “I felt his hard woof against my belly.” Add the audio book narrator voice and it only gets more entertaining. Traffic sucked on my commute this morning so this definitely brightened my morning. 

Current music: Love Is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar

The Illusion of Choice

I always knew about parent companies owning smaller companies but the smaller companies maintained control of the name and day-to-day operations. What I didn't know was how widespread it was. The option of choice between brands it growing smaller and smaller as oligopolies eat up more and more small companies. To further illustrate that concept, I give you The Illusion of Choice.

This makes things even more complicated if you personally are boycotting specific corporations due to business practices you don't agree with. If you have a grudge against Kraft for whatever reason, you now have to boycott all those smaller companies. And buying generic won't always be enough to assuage your conscience. A friend of the family had a dad who worked in a sugar plant. He said the exact same sugar that went into the Domino bag also went into the store generic bags.

Current Music: Blown Away - Carrie Underwood

A Blow to the Head

By now I’m sure most of you have heard about the believed suicide of former NFL player Junior Seau. If you haven’t, I’ve included links to articles for Slate, BBC, and CNN.

It is not atypical for a former football player to take his own life. In fact, depression and dementia are common problems for former players and the Slate article talks about how brains of former players are being studied. One player shot himself in the chest to preserve his brain for study. He showed signs of a condition that causes dementia and depression due to repeated head trauma.

From what I’ve read about his past, Seau sounds like a prime candidate for depression or at the very least, emotional problems. He had a rough upbringing and a less than Mayberry-style reputation off the field. Combined with regular head injuries sustained playing the sport, Seau’s suicide seems almost text book for a former player.

I’ve had multiple conversations with people about how hockey is more violent than football in a way. The sport of football is designed to be more violent but hockey has more deliberate fights and aggressive moves. The point of football is to knock a guy to the ground. The point of hockey is to get the puck in the net. Head traumas on the ice are accidental and merit punishment.

Another advantage hockey seems to have over football is that the NHL takes concussions far more seriously than the NFL. I’ve heard several arguments about how football is dangerous and how teenagers and college kids aren’t being monitored closely enough for injury. So many places are valuing the sport over the players.

In an effort to study the effects of concussions on the brain, concussive players were monitored against a control for players who were supposedly healthy. The study revealed no difference between their brains. The healthy ‘control’ group of players were in fact receiving minor concussions and not being diagnosed or treated. More importantly, they were going out on the field and risking re-injury.

I know the NHL isn’t as popular in the states are football but you don’t hear nearly as much shock and outrage about players with brain injuries. Why? Because the NHL started taking things like that seriously before public outrage made them.

Yes, I’m sure fans and families of former players were speaking out about cases of dementia and depression but it never turned into such a massive debate that went down to the high school level. It was the aftereffects that had the NHL started taking serious looks at concussions and their implications. Because they are brain injuries, they stopped ‘skating it off’ and started pulling concussive players.

When Nicklas Backstrom and Sidney Crosby were out with concussions this season the NHL was very strict about the players even being allowed to skate at practice. There were a series of physical tests they had to pass before being allowed to train to the best of their ability. If they displayed any symptoms during practice, they had to get off the ice. Once the NHL clears you, the trainers work very closely to make sure you don’t risk reinjury. Backstrom spent half the season off the ice; Crosby spent even more. A possible winning streak was not worth someone’s future mental health.

Even with all this debate and outrage, I have heard very little of the NFL’s procedure when a player is diagnosed with a concussion. If new tests or waiting periods have been implemented for player safety, I have heard almost nothing about it.

I’m not making a blanket statement that the NHL is better than the NFL. I don’t follow football as closely and the NHL is bound to have some of the same problems with their former players. What I do know is that I hear more about the NHL’s safety measures and valuing player health and wellbeing than I do for the NFL.

Current Music: When Your Mind's Made Up - Glen Hansard & Market Irglova

FootSteps into a Secular World

I recently read an article on Slate.com about teaching men who were deeply religious how to live in a secular world. The man who is doing the teaching was former from the most restrictive of Hasid sects. His wake up call came when his daughters came home from school and said that all nonJews existed to see the good of the Jews

From what I remember of Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman, that’s a very limited number of do-gooders with an audience of a few billion. Like Feldman, many of these men and women leave their restrictive sects and are effectively immigrants into our world. Most men didn’t learn enough to pass the GED and most women learned significantly less.

The article mentions FootSteps, a New York based nonprofit group that helps these people integrate into society. While the Slate article focuses solely on dating and relation to the opposite sex, this website offers all sorts of resources for higher education, trade school, abuse hotlines, and social support (MeetUp is a listed resource).

Most did not learn marketable skills and don’t know how to relate to secular people. Most Hasid sects teach that premarital touch (and non- familial and spousal touch) would result in God’s wrath. I remember Feldman saying that when she saw her first movie, she had no clue what was going on or what that was supposed to be.

I would love to volunteer at a place like that. While I’m not Jewish, the whole concept of teaching these people about the world that always surrounded them fascinates me. I wonder if they have organizations like this in the DMV? With my social skills and surplus of personality, I may scare the religion right out of some of these folks.

Current Music: Pretty Fly for a Rabbi - Weird Al

Girl Advice for the Nerd Guy

I have a lot of friends who are nerds. Not the nerd-lite that’s trendy right now but the reason there’s the stereotype sort of nerds. Some are good in social situations but not romantic ones. One of my near and dears is astonishingly oblivious. If you watch Big Bang Theory (if you don’t you should, it’s awesome), he’s more clueless than Leonard but less clueless than Sheldon. Others are just all around bad (see an earlier post about the road trip guy).

I figured I might throw a few pieces of advice to help guide my nerd-tastic friends. My mother thinks I should start my own reality show with some of this stuff (hence the title).

1) If you don’t ask a girl out, the answer is always “No.” However, you have to actually ask a girl out. You can’t infer, shanghai, or correct a girl into dating you; ask the question. Most women won’t do this for you. Be brave for 30 seconds. It might pay off.

2) If she politely rejects you, take it in stride. She’ll probably respect you for asking but trust that she knows what’s best for her. Don’t carry a torch. Don’t try to persuade her to change her mind. Don’t keep asking after she says “No thank you.” It’s desperate and ultimately ineffectual. If she rudely rejects you, forget her and move on. She wasn’t nice anyway.

3) Note if a girl tells you any of the following phrases: “I don’t want to lead you on…” “I just want to be friends…” “I’m not attracted to you…” "I don't see you that way..." Refer to the rejection rules of #2. That is what that means. Don’t delude yourself otherwise.

4) If a girl laughs a lot at what you say, tries to include you (in activities or the conversation), finds excuses to touch you (this one is huge); she may be interested. Flirt back by finding socially acceptable ways to touch her (touch her shoulder for her attention) or compliment her and see who she reacts. If you don’t know how to flirt ask a female friend or Google for ideas but conform the ideas to you. It will be obvious if you’re just copying someone else. If she responds favorably, see #1.

5) Women like affection. I have yet to know a woman who doesn’t like affection. In public holding hands, short and sweet kisses, hugs coming and going, and an arm around the other person are usually sufficient. In private rubbing her shoulders or feet, cuddling on the couch, kissing her cheek and forehead, and hand-holding should go over very well. Plus, touching builds attraction. Just make sure you’re both comfortable with the level. If she’s too into PDA, you can tell her how you feel.

6) People, not just women, love thoughtful gestures. It can be something little like a pack of her favorite gum or a $4 Trader Joe’s bouquet but it will matter. Figure out what she likes, treat accordingly but sparsely. You want her here for you, not the presents.

7) For the more reserved of you, women are used to men who will push the physical boundaries to figure out what they can grope/get away with. If you’re not comfortable with that and want her to take the lead or go slowly, let her know.

8) Men who cook are sexy. Men who set fire to the kitchen are not.

9) Men who like our pets are very sexy. If you don’t like that particular animal (bird, ferret, cat, python), co-exist peacefully with it.

10) Men who plan dates are sexy. Men who pick a day but not an actual date are annoying. Men who text on Friday and wonder if you’re free are reasons to date a nerd. Don’t be the latter. Ever.

11) If you think she looks really pretty, share that thought! It can be in general, it can be a particular body part; doesn’t matter. Women want to hear you think we’re pretty, sexy, cute, etc.

Just don’t say it a lot on the same day. A lot at once and we’ll stop believing you. Twice in an evening is sufficient.

Also, if her ass looks good in those jeans, don’t say exactly that. Say “Those jeans are really working for you.” You are not Howard Wolowitz.

12) While I’m on it, if you think she’s smart, interesting, funny, a great squash player, magnificent with the clarinet, or has a badass roundhouse kick, say so. Just remember #12’s moderation rule.

13) Call her. Texting is a good way to relay simple information like “I’m running late” or “Caps beat Bruins.” IMing is not a perpetual substitute for real conversation. Studies show hearing your voice will also help reaffirm the connection between dates. Don't hide behind technology.

14) Tighty-whiteys might be practical but not particularly sexy. If you think you’ll be getting lucky, invest in boxer briefs (ideally not white ones). Those are the popular favorite. 

15) Do stuff. Dinner and a movie are a solid default but I live near DC, Annapolis and Baltimore. There are museums, monuments, harbors, tours, plays, festivals, historical sites, parks, conventions, etc. If you have the option, utilize your location for interesting dates.

16) You will eventually be dragged shopping. If you’re interested and participating, it can only work in your favor. If you’re bored out of your mind take the purse, find the boyfriend chair, and play with your smart-phone. Some department stores even have TVs now. Complaining will not help your cause.

17) Clean your place. Run the vacuum. Remove the layer of dust from the unused gaming systems and bookshelf. Put all the dirty dishes in the sink/dishwasher. Wipe down the counters. Take out the trash if it smells. Minimize the amount of clothes on the floor. Basically, be an adult, not a teenager. We want to be girlfriends, not Mom 2.0.

Especially clean the bathroom. She has to use that room. A grimey sink, ringed toilet, dirty floor, and limited toilet paper say “I’m not interested enough in you to try that hard."

18) Hygiene cannot be understated. Invest in a good body wash and a deodorant with a nice smell (Old Spice is usually good for both and has fun ads). Moisturizer is not just for chicks; it’s for touchable skin. Mouthwash is your new BFF. Shower daily. I really wish I didn’t feel the need to put this on the list.

19) If she’s having a problem, listen first. I know men are problem solvers and you can do that. She may want you to do that but not immediately. Listen and let her be upset. If weren't not allowed to deal with our feelings before you snap into Mr. Fix-It mode, those feelings may be directed at you.

20) You do have a say in how your relationship goes. Your feelings matter. If you don’t like how things are going, you’re allowed to do something about it.

There’s more I could add but that’s what the internet and personal experience are for. I know some nerds who would appreciate these tidbits anyway. I hope this helps somebody somewhere.

Current Music: Geeks Get the Girls - American Hi-Fi

Alphabet Challenge Round 9 AKA What Would Jane Do?

J is for Jane Austen Made Me Do It, a collection of short stories inspired by and focused on Jane Austen and her characters. Love or hate her, everyone in the western world knows Jane Austen. This anthology is for those who love her. The only rule for these stories is that Jane Austen, her work, or her characters must play a crucial role which has lead to an incredibly diverse collection of stories.

Some tales are about contemporary characters and how Jane Austen impacts their world. Others are continuations or back stories about characters from her works like Emma and Persuasion. Others have Jane Austen as a ghost or her characters making appearances in the modern world. Some are written with contemporary dialogue and others are written with the grammar and style of Austen’s time. I will admit going back and forth between writing styles was a bit jarring at times.

In order to appreciate this collection you must enjoy Austen’s original works as well as the more modern takes on her work. I don’t mean Pride & Prejudice & Zombies but things along the lines of Jane Austen Ruined My Life, Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict, or The Private Diaries of Mr. Darcy. (All of the noted titles are by contributing authors.) Austen purists won’t have as much fun here.

My favorites from this collection are Jane Austen’s Nightmare (awesome!), A Night at Northanger, Jane Austen and the Mistletoe Kiss, Nothing Less than Fairy-land, the Ghostwriter, Intolerable Stupidity, and What Would Austen Do? The last one is the only tale told from a male perspective. It was a nice change and indicative of who this collection is written for.

A
B
C
D - Divergent by Veronica Roth
E
F
G - The Great Fables Crossover by Bill Willingham
H - How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming by Mike Brown
I
J - Jane Austen Made Me Do It edited by Laurel Ann Nattress
K
L
M - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen
N - Naked City edited by Ellen Datlow
O - One of Our Thursdays Is Missing by Jasper Fforde
P
Q
R - Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner
S
T
U - Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman
V
W - White Girl Problems by Babe Walker
X
Y
Z

Current Music: Just a Game - Birdy