“I just burned my nose hairs off.”
“You have no filter do you?”
“Filters are for coffee and cigarettes, two other things I have no use for.”
I’d take your manical driving more seriously if you weren’t doing it in a Honda that predates me and sounds like a wind-up toy on speed.
Said by a girl: “I wish I could just hairy myself up and fuck a bunch of twinks.”
“I’ll readily admit I’m a huge pervert but there’s no way to say that without a negative connotation.”
“I ponder like a mofo.”
“I heard the mating call of the wild Herman Cain.”
“No epic story ever started with ‘I had a salad.’”
“That’s like going to a strip club for the music.”
“Once you’re above 25, you really need to moderate your head banging.”
“I must be going nuts.”
“If you’re going nuts, I’m going with you.”
During Dinner
“I love the pink stuff. That’s where the flavor is.”
“Blow on this and try it.”
From Wicked Faire
Hey, I just met you and this is crazy but here’s my labyrinth and I stole your baby.
“So as long as you don’t have to say Alabama you’ll go with it.”
“The ball pit: The most fun you can have at Wicked with your clothes on.”
At my birthday party
“One of the top 5 things I don’t want to happen to me today: fellatio from a giant spider.”
“You got a B or an Asian F.”
At a debauchery filled board game party
On Harry Potter: “I would have created a 5th house with midget hookers and blow!”
Cards Against Humanity: “I’m still mad he rejected my fad diet of heartwarming orphans.”
CAH: “The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History is opening an interactive exhibit on my vagina.”
CAH: “I discovered waiting until marriage was really deflowering the princess all along.”
“What happens in the upstairs bathroom mostly stays in the upstairs bathroom.”
“Aw. Where’d you find your pants?”
“Show me where the bad man touched you.”
“She needs comfort, not rape.”
“Are you dead?”
“Yes, by my own wife. Bitch.”
“Here, have a squid.”
“The closest you’ll see to me drunk is when I’m extremely tired. Right now I’m somewhere between buzzed and tipsy.”
Music: Farther Down by Neon Trees
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