Richer Reading Life Book #3

Checking off a book written by a person of color. I finally finished Bad Feminist. It took longer than I thought because of limited time, library books, and a lot of content.

Some of her personal stories made me laugh, like competing in competitive Scrabble tournaments or being Team Peeta. Some of her more analytical pieces struck my feminist chord like when she talks about eating disorders, sexual violence, and rape culture, or the still on-going battle to preserve our reproductive rights. I wanted to nod vigorously and shout "All the yes!" when I read her essays about Chris Brown, Robin Thicke and FSOG.

Gay also opened my eyes to the scarcity of black stories being told by black voices in modern media. It made me truly rethink my feelings about The Help and made me want to revisit with fresh eyes. I need to integrate more literature, both feminist and not, about people of color into my reading. It made me appreciate how insulated I've become since more to a more affluent suburb surrounded by white people and "good" minorities. I'll never be able to understand it but my world will be better for hearing about it. 4 out of 5 stars.

Putting a number on how many challenge books I've is making me appreciate how far little I've done. Several activities require reading books as well so it looks like I've got to step up my game and pick up the pace.

What Should I Be?

I’m not sure what I’m going to do for Halloween this year. I was originally thinking a feminist Hulk but that requires more pieces and makeup than I can really afford to buy. I need to come up with 2 costumes for 2 different parties. Here’s what I’ve got available to me:

-Victorian widow
-Pirate
-Vampire
-Serial killer (they look just like everybody else)
-Stand-up comedian (they look like everyone else except broke)
-Cereal killer
-(Fallen) Angel
-Death/victim of higher education
-Catholic school survivor

Last year I was the color purple and the year before that I was a witch. I might be able to pull off a fae but it’s reachy. I have a bunch of RenFest stuff but that maybe be a little overdone since our RenFest wraps right before Halloween. There’s a little too much of me to love for me to be comfortable as the TARDIS or Lolitapool all night.

I could do a ‘spirit of Halloween.’ I could reuse some of the same pieces I used for the witch but I want my costume to be a bit more straight forward this year. I did a conceptual costume last year.

I’m leaning toward the pirate for one weekend and the widow for another. The widow will require some makeup but I should be able to pick something up at the drugstore. I’d have to make my face very pale but I’ve already got the rest of the makeup for both looks.

Learn from Your Dislikes

The Benefits of Reading a Book You Don't Like has been making the rounds on the internet. It was insightful considering I've recently finished one of the worst books I've ever read. How a story is told versus what the story is are different things.

The 'Feminist' and The Cowboy could be very compelling prose in other hands. Alisa Valdes' writing style was too casual with a variety of irrelevant non sequiturs. The reason memoirists do that is to feel friendly and familiar but Valdes was trying way too hard. The tactic was painfully obvious and made the writing look cheap.

Another issue is that at no point does Valdes acknowledge that her idea of feminism is radical and extreme. Despite a personal reworking of what feminism means to her, she never makes it clear to uninformed readers there's different levels or other schools of thought. Thanks for perpetuating negative stereotypes Miz Valdes.

There are also a lot of things in her relationship that are clearly unhealthy. I'm still shocked that she can't see past the blatant manipulation of him being contrite about his infidelity but ending their relationship the second he has a reason. It made me appreciate that Christian Grey acknowledged he was screwed up.

This article gives me a reason to go back and reread Catcher in the Rye. It has to be a classic for a reason, right? I'll get to it someday, maybe, ever.

You can dislike something but if you can't articulate why, it doesn't help anyone. Lena Dunham is a very talented woman. Girls is compulsively watchable. I don't watch it because I find the characters to be insufferable narcissistic screw ups. I'm not devoting my limited TV to watching people I wouldn't tolerate in real life.

Experiencing things you don't like helps you appreciate the things you do like and it gives you a better vocabulary to understand why. There is a benefit to consuming media you don't like but not all media is inherently worth consumption.

Summarizing what this season of The Bacherloette should look like

We'll open with 2 bachelorettes and Chris Harrison will pretend to feelbad even though it's his idea. The guys will get to choose the girl. This is a great twist even though we'd never do this to the bachelor guys.

We'll pretend to care about feminism by inviting Amy Schumer on for an episode. That should placate people until we slut shame Kaitlin for kissing all the guys even though Chris Soules did the exact same thing.

Because the 2 bachelorette plot twist can't generate drama for more than 2 episodes, we'll throw in a villain from Andi's. It will piss the existing guys off and bump up ratings.

That should work until Kaitlin is busted for having sex with one of the guys. ABC is owned by Disney and the only permitted reading material for contestants is a Bible so sex is bad. We'll slut shame her like crazy despite sex being a normal part of a healthy relationship. After we bust her like a teenager instead of a 28 year old woman, we'll make her admit it to all the remaining guys to add to the shame.

Let the degradation and feminist criticism begin.

Music: The Verge by Le Tigre

PopSugar Reading Challenge Book 17 or So Much Stupid

For a book that got bad reviews, I went whole hog and read The Feminist and the Cowboy by Alisa Valdes. I was always curious but I shied away once the negative reviews start pouring in both before and after it came out the relationship ended. This book earned every negative review.

This is definitely one of the worst books I have ever read. If you want to appreciate how much I hated it, feel free to look at my status updates on GoodReads.

I’m going to start with why I hated it. The fact that she calls herself a feminist is insulting to me and everyone else who believes feminism is a fight for equality. Here are some of her thoughts on feminism:

“Like so many children of second-wave feminism, I began to subconsciously equate being the dominator with being free.”

“I had been, for my parents, less a daughter than I was a chance to create a brave new deserialized female citizen immune to discrimination. I was not alone; there were millions like me. I was one in a confused, skirtless army of girl Frankensteins, the first postfeminist prototypes of the All-American un-Girl.”

"I was really good at blaming men for my shortcomings as a person."

"I was so insanely radical that I couldn't honestly imagine being sexual with men because it seemed like such a betrayal of the cause to, like, open up and let them in."

That last one is so incredibly not normal. If you feel that being heterosexual and having a relationship makes you a traitor to feminism, you need so much therapy. Of course her interpretation of feminism screwed up her life. It has precious little to do with actual feminism.

Despite her own issues, Valdes spends a great deal of time researching how men and women are fundamentally different. None of the information is cited for our benefit but it was enough to fuel her to become a ‘difference feminist’ who has its ideas rooted in the Catholic Church. If your feminism is based in tenants from a religion that is notoriously for negative attitudes toward women, you may want to ask some serious questions about what you actually believe.

At one point Valdes catches the cowboy in a lie he told so smoothly that it’s close to sociopath levels of deception. When she calls the other woman to get the full story, he’s upset that no only has he been caught in a lie, he’s been caught in all of it. When Valdes dares to speak to the other woman again, the cowboy goes from ‘I’ll do anything to fix this’ (except end things with the other woman while you can witness it, let’s not get carried away) to ‘we’re done’ in a matter of hours.

That is gloriously manipulative. He’s willing to do anything to salvage the relationship (so long as it’s on his terms) but when Valdes ‘makes a mistake’ he completely flips the situation so it’s her fault. I have been on the other side of this. It’s a way for him to get out of trouble for half the cost of his original sin.

He only agrees to take her back if he’s in totally control of the relationship. He wants to take care of her and be the strong, traditional man. The fact that he wasn’t interested in listening to her or negotiating is irrelevant.

Why did it get so many bad reviews other than the obvious? Because the relationship was over by the time the book came out because he physically abused her. It’s been well documented by Jezebel, Slate, Salon and New York Magazine.

I’ve read books with worse writing (although this book cracks the top 10) but I hate this one so much more. Valdes perpetuates negative stereotypes about feminists and showcases an unhealthy relationship as a good goal. I hope nobody ever wastes money on this insult to the written word again. I am impressed by how much I hated this book.

#HowToSpotAFeminist

#HowToSpotAFeminist is trending on Twitter. It is a lovely mix of things that make you want to quit the internet and give you hope. I have no idea why there is so much vitriol still surrounding this word. Do the trolls realize that attacking us on Twitter is not only not changing minds but justifying what we believe in?

Some lovely examples of why I don't want to live on this planet anymore:

There was one gem of a user I saw last night that I can't find again but that's probably for the best. He was kind of a horrible human being. Ms. Medina isn't much better. I smell an MRA.

Saying that all feminists fit into the erroneous and ugly stereotypes perpetuated above is like saying everyone who is pro-GamerGate is a doxing, hateful troll who believes in sending death and rape threats to women who dare have opinions. 

GamerGate is about ethics in video game journalism like Nazism was about politics. Not the most PC comparison but I have yet to come up with anything better. I digress.

Whenever there is hate, feminists will rise to the occasion. We're kind of used to pointless venom from the ignorant masses so we broke out the sass.

I like to think of this kind of stuff as Caitlin Moran's 'broken windows' feminist activism. If you can change some of the base things (while more qualified elected officials work on the big things), you can slowly start to change minds. Here's hoping she's right.

Music: TKO by Le Tigre

Opening GamerGate: Just the Facts

Opening GamerGate: Just the Facts

The argument I made is that facts don’t exist in a vacuum. We have to consider the society that goes into them. The tone of this piece screams Men’s Rights Activists. I’m already going in with minds fairly set against mine but these lack complete context.

Lifespan

A popular theory about why men have shorter lifespans is the forced stoicism forced on American men. Men aren't supposed to cry or be depressed. They get angry, chill, or happy. God forbid a man ever sheds a tear. The stress of a lifetime of internalizing emotion can cause a lot wear and tear on a body. Keeping a lid on your emotions doesn't help the individual or our society's problematic definition of what it means to 'be a man.'

Another factor that could contribute to shorter lifespans is how we socialize our kids. Boys are permitted to be adventurous while girls are trained to be more demure. "Boys will be boys" vs. "That's not ladylike." This may be why I've never heard a woman tell a story involving shenanigans and fireworks.

Politics

Electing someone into power does not make anyone have a servant/master relationship. The language here is inherently flawed.

Secondly, there are not enough women running for political office on a variety of levels. Social change happens when the underrepresented group is given a voice in a situation where change can happen. Latinos are expected to outnumber white Americans in the near future but they are still an underrepresented group where it truly matters. Sheer numbers do not equal power.

Education

Women do not ‘control’ education. Teaching has long been considered a pink-collar profession and therefore is underpaid and undervalued. Some men don’t go into teaching because it doesn’t pay well or is considered ‘women’s work.’

The ‘power’ here is not in the numbers alone. How many women are on the school board? How many are principals? What about the Secretary of Education? Are women making the funding and hiring decisions? What about university presidents and deans? Teachers are fairly low on the power structure of how education decisions get made.

Reproduction

That number is completely false. I would like to know where whoever wrote this got that number.

Having a uterus doesn’t not inherently give us control. Many states are trying to ban abortion or stopping just short. Other states want to or have installed a 24 waiting period. Anyone who is making the decision to terminate a pregnancy is not doing this willy-nilly. It’s a way to stick it to poor women who have limited resources, time, and money to get to the locations that provide the service.

Many other states allow a pharmacist to refuse to fill prescriptions for Plan-B or birth control based on their religious beliefs. Some politicians lobbying against women and reproductive rights have actually put little thought into why women want them. That is terrifying.

The personhood amendments that have been bouncing around the south the last few years would give more power to the fetus growing inside the woman than the woman carrying it around. They would deny the right of the human woman in favor of a fetus.

Again facts don’t exist in a vacuum. Many women receiving abortions are mothers. Should a woman stop having sex with her husband because the pharmacist denied her the right to make decisions about her family?

Genital Integrity

Female genital mutilation is illegal in America. It is still a routine practice in many undeveloped countries.

‘Male genital mutilation’ or circumcision is a decision made by parents for infant sons. It is considered necessary by the standard of some major religions. Other parents do it so father and son will match. I suspect it historically became popular for regions surrounding ideas about hygiene but I’m not an expert. It has retained popularity in western cultures but many are choosing not to circumcise.

This procedure almost always occurs when the male is still an infant and retains no memory of the event or pain. Some men retroactively take issue with this decision being made for them. If I have a son, I plan to leave that choice to the father.

Female genital mutilation is almost always done when the girl is old enough to remember the pain and trauma. Since it’s done in less developed nations, the healthcare surrounding it is not nearly as good as an infant’s circumcision.

Judiciary

Two words: Prove. It.

If it is happening systematically, where are the numbers? What is the evidence? Don’t just give me personal rants and casual observation. If it’s systematic, there is a paper trail and documentation to support your argument. Find it.

Based on casual observation alone, mothers are generally favored because women are the nurturers in this culture. It’s how society sets the dynamic for men to be the breadwinners and women to be the caregivers. This has been the system for hundreds of years and that doesn’t change overnight.

I have heard plenty of stories of reasonable joint custody arrangements or fathers getting custody. If the men in this case are spouting hateful vitriol toward women, especially the child’s mother, the court will favor the more neutral party.

As for prison, are the men doing all this hard time white? The oppressed men in prison statistics are almost always racial minorities. MRAs are almost always white men. Facts don’t exist in a vacuum. This presentation ignores the racial and socioeconomic context that goes into prison sentencing.

Social

This is a casual, observational statistic with no sociological evidence to back it up. If it exists, I would love to see it.

This argument also lacks all context of what is meant by behavior and clothing. Is it the standard of girl’s shorts getting a 1-inch inseam to a boy’s 6-inch inseam. Mothers and young girls didn’t decide that and are fighting against the limited options.

What is the behavior meant here? Is it having to respect a woman in a bar when she turns you down? Is it not catcalling?

This is too vague an argument for me to counter act. I could make the exact same argument about men with this lack of detail.

Employment

Men are more likely to die in more work related accidents because the jobs that involve dangerous machinery are male dominated. Here's a list of some of the most dangerous jobs in North America

How many female loggers, construction workers, roofers, fishers, and machinists do you know?

For a long time women weren't allowed to do those jobs. Even now that women are getting jobs in these industries, many men in that field don't want them there. The easiest solution is to make the workplace as hostile as possible. North Country focuses on that type of harassment and the first class action lawsuit against it. My explanation is oversimplified but that's a big part of this statistic.

Suicide

I think the suicide statistic ties back into men repressing their emotions. Men aren’t supposed to be sad or depressed, remember? Society gives them few outlets for their feelings while still “being a man.”

I have struggled with depression and if you’re conditioned to never ask for help or talk about it, of course suicide will look like a valid option. It’s the toxic masculinity of our culture.

Sexuality

This is patently false.

Female sexuality can be seen as liberating but women risk being sucked into the virgin/whore dichotomy. We’re supposed to be sexually appealing and sexually available but not so available that we’re giving it away for free. Once we do that, we’re just sluts.

When was the last time a man was called a slut for no reason other than what he was wearing? If a man has a one-night stand, he’s a player. He’s praised. Men further this dynamic by ragging on each other if they don’t get laid and elevating ones who do.

The reason female sexuality may seem liberating is that some women are trying to reclaim the entire idea of it. We’re taking it back and defining it on our own terms. This is not demonizing men or their sexuality.

This whole thing goes sooooo much deeper than I can say in one blog. I'd recommend doing your own homework.

Homelessness

Part of the homeless statistic is veterans. For a long time, women were kept in very limited military roles. Several homeless men are veterans who have trouble readjusting to society coming back from war. It’s a job not often open to women so this is a contributing factor.

I don’t know much about homelessness beyond this issue so I won’t try to speak to it.

Violence

Men are victims of various kinds of violence for several reasons.  Our culture encourages fighting and aggression in men because it’s what it means to “be a man.”

Rape is thought to be the most underreported crime in North America. Women are more likely to come forward than men because a man being sexually assaulted, by either gender, is seen as shameful. He’ll lose respectability as a man. It’s another part of the toxic masculinity in our culture.

Women are statistically more likely to be a victim of partner abuse. I’ve heard everything from 1 in 3 or 4 to 1 in 6. The point being that if you get 12 women in a room, the numbers say that at least 2 have been abused by their partners. I doubt the numbers for men are that extreme.

I won’t change everyone’s minds but almost everything I’ve said here can be backed up in a simply Google search with reliable sources. Can MRAs say the same?

Opening GamerGate

Yesterday was very interesting for me on Twitter.

Anne Wheaton said something on her blog that many trolls and pro-GamerGate guys did not like. She started receiving a lot of harassment on Twitter and decided to turn it into a positive. For everyone negative or harassing tweet she received, she’d donate adollar to Feminist Frequency up to $1,000. John Scalzi said he’d match those donations.

I thought this was great. I tweeted something to Anne Wheaton about how I thought it was magical that she found a way to turn a negative into a positive. I had at least 4 people come out of the woodwork to say something negative or antagonistic to me.

One of my personal favorites was one guy who insulted my intelligence on the grounds of his own faulty logical. GamerGate can’t be harassing Anne Wheaton because then a feminist cause would be getting money therefore she must be making it all up.

When I dared to tweet about the harassment I received, I got it back tenfold. I posted a snarky tweet with this picture with the hashtags troll and GamerGate. Someone actually jumped on me about how it was wrong to call all pro-GamerGate guys trolls. When I pointed out I was merely calling this person affiliated with that cause a troll, I got no response.

One brave soul was a jerk and immediately blocked me so I couldn’t respond. What a BAMF.

Another person asked what was going on. One of his buddies said Anne Wheaton’s wife “trolled GG and pretended to get “attacked” (you know the drill)” [sic]

A couple of guys weren’t as bad as the rest. We wound up have a very long conversation about several things. They were reasonable at times like admitting the GG crowd had a hair trigger that night. But they could also be antagonistic at times.

When I said I was a feminist one of them said he could show me decades of feminists behaving badly. Should he judge me on it? His friend said, maybe they should. If I reacted the same way, it would have merited an attack.

Someone else jumped in the conversation with a list about the illusion of “male privilege.” That merits it’s own post but I knew better than to get mad or truly engage. The same guy who apologized for the hair trigger response of his community also insisted feminist was a portmanteau of 'feminine' and 'supremacist' and challenged me refute the MRA list since they were "just facts.".

I told him his tone indicated he was more interested in refuting what I had to say rather than listening and I wouldn’t change his mine in 140 characters. He readily agreed this was the wrong format for this kind of conversation. I was impressed that we were at least able to agree on at least some points.

It did shed some insight on to why so many trolls came out from under the bridge to aggravate me. According to them, by posting something supportive to Anne Wheaton, I was issuing a challenge. I was going into battle picking a side.

I completely disagree. Saying one supportive thing to someone does not mean you’re taking up arms. If that’s the case, these trolls were looking for a fight.

It also defeats a big part of their argument. If Anne Wheaton is making up all this harassment, why are trolls coming after me? I did even less to provoke them than she did.

When I asked what the point of starting an argument with someone on the Internet was, I got a decent response. “Same thing as fights everywhere solved. One feels righteous, the other cowed.” Basically, it doesn’t solve anything. It just makes the trolls feel big and bad.

These guys were better than their counterparts but not by as much as I’d like. They were receptive to what I had to say and I felt more heard by them than most of the other bridge-dwellers. I also pointed out their list of MRA facts don’t exist in a vacuum. We have to look at the society around them to appreciate what they truly mean.

The whole time I was receiving hate, I was worried someone would track down my information and use it to hurt me or call in reinforcements to attack me. Not all GamerGate guys are pure evil but they’ve generated enough horror stories that they’ll never be seen as a neutral party.

I was pleased I could have a conversation with some of these guys rather than just the usual vitriol.  I bet not everyone can say that.