How Did I Get to Alone?

I have struggled with depression off and on for most of my life. Sometimes it's worse than others but more people need to talk about what ails them so that healthy people can better appreciate what we're going through.

Regular people don't understand how much this illness does to people. It's more than just a 'bad day.' It robs you of the ability to feel joy. It saps your energy and puts such a spin on your mental state that you're not in total control anymore. Because it's such a personal feeling and experience, it is a very isolating illness.

Depression is isolating not only because of how it makes you feel but how it makes the people around you feel.

A lot of people don't want to get that close. They know you have a problem but if they acknowledge it, they might have to deal with it. They don't want to know what you're dealing with.

If you try to tell the wrong person, you figure it out pretty quickly because they shut you down. They deny what you're trying to tell them, dismiss it, minimize it. They jump through a lot of socially acceptable hoops to ensure this doesn't become something they have to deal with. They want no responsibility for your mental health.

Of the few who don't happily leap toward denial, you have to decide how much you let them see. What can they handle? What can you count on them for? Did you make a mistake picking them?

Getting support from people who can't see the depth of your struggle often makes it worse. They offer suggestions but they're the suggestions of people who don't understand the bad days can last for weeks at a time. Positive words and kitten videos don't cut it when you're contemplating what's tying you to this earth. How do you explain to someone their off bad day is sometimes the best you can hope for?

What happens if you let someone see how deep the rabbit hole goes and they can't or  won't deal with it?

They've never 'casually' contemplated suicide. Which method hurts less? Which has the easiest cleanup? How do you make sure you're found? Ridiculous reasons to ignore the urges like a new movie, unread book, or upcoming holiday. How can you make them understand?

You can't.

They can't handle your negativity in their life. They don't believe you really want to get better. They get sick of the impotence of being unable to help. Worst of all? Some just don't care.

Rather than risk adding all of this to your burden, you keep it to yourself. You get burned by the uninitiated enough times, you eventually stop asking for their help. Why ruin a relationship by giving that person the chance to do something you won't be able to forgive or forget?

You already feel alone in your experiences. Sometimes it's easier to try to bear it alone than feel abandoned by your supports.

Guess Who?

As some of you may recall, I dated someone last fall. He brought you the date where I wanted to hyperventilate and cry and the Single in the Shire episode. After Single in the Shire, I was ready to wash my hands of him. Because a friend called and told him what was up and he then apologized, I gave him another chance. Generally, I’m not big on second chances. Most people use them to do what they did the first time around. He was no exception.

He still had his second job and barely spoke to me. When I tried to talk to him, I got almost nothing which lead to me being frustrated. At one point I finally said “It helps if you actually text me back.” He shot back that he was at job one, late for job two and “no offense but now is not a good time.” Offense taken. Time to get the hand soap.

He called a few days later but we kept missing each other. When we finally did catch each other, he wanted to “go on a hiatus” because my text messages had “an annoyed tone.” That was the last I heard from him, until last night.

If you haven’t spoken to somebody in 5 months, this shouldn’t be your opener: “By the way, I am sorry that I hurt you. I really do hope we can still be friends in the future.” That needs to be said within a month or less of the actual break-up. Not only have we not spoken in much longer, there was no break-up.

Most men who pull this crap are too cowardly to come back. Either there was a recent inspiration or he wants something. I had to know why. When I asked he said “enough time had passed for some introspection and I decided I owe you an apology.” You do and that’s nice but I’m not buying it.

He’s still on the mailing list for my gaming group on MeetUp. He thought about me and everyone else there. He wanted to come back and thought he’d see if he would “be welcome or at least tolerated.” I told him I’d thought about deleting his profile on there and asked ‘was it really that hard to admit you wanted something.’ I also asked why my group since he’s over an hour away.

I told him off. He had my feelings, trust and respect and tossed them aside without a thought. I said the way he failed to end things was cowardly and if he wanted to cross this bridge again, he should have used less napalm when he burned it. When he finally did decide to apologize, he hid behind text messages.

It’s rare you get to tell off your douch-tastic ex while NOT looking like a complete psycho. It’s less satisfying over text but still felt pretty good.

His reply was that he respected my opinion but he wasn’t hiding behind text messages. As for ‘why my group’ he has friends in my group. He ended things the way he did because he was ‘tired of every conversation making me feel like a guest appearance on a daytime talk show.’ If I don’t want to accept his apology, that’s my prerogative.

We went from dating to can’t-be-bothered-to-pretend-to-care. No clue why I’d have an issue with that. And homeboy didn’t end things. At all. Ending and disappearing is not the same thing although they do have a similar end result. It’s a crappy way to treat anybody and a crazy way for someone you want as a friend. If any of my guy friends did this, I’d give him hell.

I don’t think he’s sorry for how he treated me. I think he’s sorry his actions have consequences he didn’t like. I told him about a few gaming places near him if that’s what he wants. If he wants to be friends with my friends, talk to them! I don’t have to like you. I just have to be civil if they like you and we’re at the same stuff.

I told him everything I said here. There are a few things I left out. I suspect he was dating someone from the haunted house, it went to crap, and she kept all the friends so he’s left crawling back to me. Regarding my rejection of his apology, I genuinely don’t believe he’s contrite and if he was that situation again, he’d do the exact same thing to someone else. No lessons were learned.

He’s not a bad guy. He couldn’t buy a clue if you gave him a map, directions, and a dollar but he means well. If I’d never dated him, we could be friends. But I did date him, he behaved abominably at the end, and apologized months later when he wanted something. If he winds up in my life by extension, so be it but like The Band Perry says, I miss him being gone.

Current Music: Love Interruption by Jack White

Dog Gone

So Michael Vick has a dog. My first thought? I wonder how long until Jerry Sandusky can be a foster parent.

Comparing Vick to a child molester might be a little extreme. He’s not that bad. Hurricane Sandy wasn’t as bad as the Japanese earthquake/tsunami. Both are terrible, neither has a conscience, and you’re not rooting for either of them but one is worse than the other.

A lot of people I talked to don’t see the problem. They said that he’s changed and the dog is for his daughter. People can change but it’s rare and it’s never that quickly or that much.

I think he should be banned from ever getting a dog. At the very least, he should be banned from getting a dog or cat for several years. He should explain to his little girl that the family can’t get a dog because daddy used to help run a ring where they killed each other for sport.

Just because he’s good at his job doesn’t mean he’s changed as a person. I have every doubt that he has learned his lesson. I believe he is enough of an arrogant motherfucker to think he’s above the law and do something like that again. If he was capable of it before, he is capable of it now.

If you want to forgive him for what he did, that’s your call but saying he deserves to get a dog is not forgiving, it’s forgetting. Just because you forgave you’re junkie relative doesn’t mean you leave him alone with your medicine cabinet. Just because a child molester serves his time doesn’t mean you let him babysit. Just because Chris Brown did his classes doesn’t mean his anger issues are resolved. (He put a chair through a window at GMA. Such progress.)

I have learned through multiple experiences that people almost never change. If they do change, it’s because it benefits them. Since Vick got his career back and his supporters pretend this never happened, why does he have to change? Most of what he did reeks of sociopathy.

My philosophy: Just because you’re kind enough to forgive someone doesn’t mean you should be stupid enough to trust them.