Let’s Give Him Something to Talk About

In my relationship PSA for women (posted last week), I said that you shouldn’t constantly push a man to talk about his feelings. That’s true to a point. It got me thinking about friends of mine who were dating guys they really liked but every time they tried to talk about their relationship, he shut down.

Lydia, a friend of my coworker, was dating her boyfriend for 3 months when she first broached the ‘where is this going’ topic. He said he thought he had 6 months. Half a year is a good bit of time to waste but she waited. Every time she talked about this, he dodged her artfully even after she admitted she wasn’t dating anyone else. After 10 months she found out why he refused to talk about it: he’d been dating other women the entire time, one for the last 4 months.

Emma, a friend from high school, was in a long distance relationship after her guy moved for work. They knew he’d have to move when they started dating but wanted to give it a shot. They’d been together less than a month when he moved so no explicit commitment was made. After 5 months of trying to extract a commitment, Emma asked a mutual friend to say something. She was scared to bring it up again but didn’t want to waste more time on a relationship that might not be going anywhere. Once he realized what Emma was going through, her guy agreed they were in an exclusive relationship.

In both situations the guys were not too long out of a serious relationship but that only gives you so much slack. I suspect Emma was doing the hinting, passive-aggressive girl crap that most women do rather than being direct but I can’t say for sure. Ultimately, Emma’s relationship didn’t work out. She thought the move would be temporary but it became permanent.

I think Lydia’s boyfriend’s behavior was incredibly shady. He knowingly lied to her for months. That’s not a good sign for how he sees her or their relationship. She didn’t see it that way. They are happily planning they’re wedding.

I say wait three or four months before broaching the ‘where is this going’ topic. Since he may not have thought much about it before, a week or two to think is fine. If he never brings it up again and either dodges or gets defensive when you do, that’s a red flag. If he doesn’t want to make a commitment, he should stop wasting your time. If he wants to keep seeing you, relationships can be ended fairly easily. Some guys act like this to get all the benefits of a girlfriend with none of the responsibility.

Both girls were unhappy with the situation but worried if they forced the issue, they’d lose their relationship. At the end of the day you have to decide what’s more important: the guy or the commitment. But I can’t help but wonder if that’s all it takes to end your relationship, what are you fighting to keep?

Music: Can’t Make You Love Me by ADELE

PS Boy Toy had no issue making a commitment. I never had to force anything and being FB official was his idea, mostly to watch his relatives jump.