Why Scott Aaronson Was His Own Biggest Problem

The internet is blowing up with one mathematician, Scott Aarongson, explaining why he dislikes feminism and doesn't have any privilege as a white male nerd. A lot of people have a lot of different theories but a friend asked my thoughts on this one.

One of my favorite quotes from the article was: "Guys deal with Women in the abstract, as a category; women deal with specific men who physically threaten them " Aaronson was so wrapped up in his own personal anxiety that he failed to see any woman as a person. 

The more isolated be became in his own mind, the worse it got. It was all in his head and a lot of shy nerds are like that. If you approach a woman as just another human being to talk to, you'll be fine but you have to get out of your own way long enough to do that. 

Another problem was Aaronson's exposure to feminism. He opted for the extremes so the only version of feminism he got was the most militant stereotype so many of us aren't. He was, somewhat masochistically, choosing to hear one version of feminism that already reinforced the negative voice in his head.

The privilege he couldn't see would be going to STEM conferences and not worrying about sexual assault. His privilege of being taken seriously be sheer virtue in his field instead of being dismissed or second guessed. If Aaronson was sexually harassed at work, he'd be believed when he reported it instead of being questioned or told to simply deal. He will never have to worry about a colleague feeling entitled to his body.

Aaronson and others like him was so wrapped up in his own pain and suffering that he forgot other people are fighting a hard battle as well. He couldn't escape his own head long enough to understand that his personal issues aren't the concern of the world. Everyone else can't fix problems that exist in your own mind. Most people won't even know they exist. That's the beauty of depression and anxiety.

The bottom line is that your mental problems are just that, your problem. No one can fix them but you. There are people out there who can help but you have to be brave enough to ask. As someone with depression, it's a hard thing to do but it's worth it.

You'll have to excuse feminism and women for focusing on problems that directly effect a lot of women. Harassment of women in STEM fields is a real issue happening right now. Not all nerds have anxiety or like to pretend their awkward because it lets them get away with things but far too many do. Feminism is going to focus on making the STEM community better for all people instead of hold the hands of a few nerds with emotional baggage. 

I Like It

At my office party I was explaining how I was done 3 for 6 parties. I said one of the parties I had coming up was with my RenFest friends and we love to dress up in costume. That got a few funny looks.

I’ve dealt with enough non-nerds that I’ve gotten pretty good at explaining why I do what I do. I don’t understand why golf, designer fashion, sky diving, or excessive drinking are fun but for some reason those are easier to explain. Here’s a few suggestions on explaining why you love what you love to the ‘typical’ folks with whom you deal.

Explaining LARPing or RPGs: “I liked playing make-believe when I was a kid and I didn’t feel like stopping as an adult.”

Explaining Cosplay: “I liked playing dress-up as a kid and I didn’t feel like stopping as an adult.”

Explaining being a brony: “In a world of gratuitous violence and harmful machismo, it’s really refreshing to be part of a warm, welcoming, and non-judgmental show and fan community.”

Explaining comic cons: “It’s a chance to us to meet authors of our favorite books and other folks who have the same interests.”

Explaining comics: “Many of the stories have excellent character development and thoughtful narratives. The art adds an extra dimension to the story and eases the need for exposition.”

Explaining sci-fi shows: “It has the same elements of most regular TV shows but the universe allows for a lot of extra plot points and storylines to happen. In some ways, the universe becomes a character in itself with how it shapes everything.”

I wonder what it’s like to never have to justify what you like.

Music: Once Upon a December by Dean Carter

Nothing Super about It

That may have been the worst Super Bowl I’ve ever seen. The Seahawks were playing Super Bowl football and the Broncos were playing pre-season football. At one point I was wondering if it’d be the first shut-out in NFL history but the Broncos finally got a touchdown and the game resumed being uninteresting.

The game was nothing compared to how awful the ads were this year. I saw Sprint’s framily ad at least 5 times, AT&T Run DMC ad at least 6 times, the natural gas ad at least 4 times, the John Galecki car ad at least twice, and the Radio Shack ad at least 3 times. I think the ads were less sexist but I think that’s because they kept airing inoffensive ones over and over again.

I was underwhelmed by the half time show. Bruno Mars is a good performer but I dislike half of his hits. Treasure would be lovely but I knew it spawned a few hundred bad names for little girls the second I heard it. Just the Way You Are was popular while I was going through a bad break-up. The Lazy Song is just stupid. The Red Hot Chili Peppers were a blink and you miss it performance. I did like Mars’s bandstand look but overall it was just meh for me.

I was at a Super Bowl party with a bunch of geeks so you’d think that would make all this better but it was just the opposite. We were playing a party game before kick-off and once the game started about half the party wanted to keep playing. They went off in their corner and didn’t come back or talk to anyone who was watching the game until the half-time show.

I can understand wanting to reach a conclusion but by the second quarter it started to feel like a card out of the Cards Against Humanity 4^th expansion: “A bunch of [people] playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans.”

Every Super Bowl party has people who go talk in the kitchen but you can join in the conversation if the game gets slow or the ads continue to repeat. If you play a game, you can’t interact with anyone who isn’t playing. It shut out everyone else at the party and shut down a big social aspect. The gaming group milled around talking for a while after half time but it wasn’t even halfway through the third quarter before they were playing again.

I was disappointed. I’d gone to the party expecting to hang out with my friends and have a good time and talk to people. Instead most of them were playing a game in the other room ignoring everyone else. It also felt kind of rude to our host who was one of the people watching the game. I don’t think two socially isolated groups were what he had in mind when he planned on having a Super Bowl party.

Board Games weren’t the point of this party and the dynamic of most parties + board games I’ve been to had people rejoining the group and socializing once the game was done. For some reason, that never happened here. It was the strangest dynamic I’ve ever seen at a Super Bowl party.

Music: Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars (I said I disliked half of his hits, not all. This one is pretty catchy.)

Hard of Listening

What is it with nerds and an allergy to listening?

A friend whom I’ll call Steve is interested in my friend Miranda. Steve is a quality guy and a good storyteller but he doesn’t have the best job and is around average looks. Miranda is sweet, bubbly, and very pretty. I’ve seen Miranda date a clever law student, a successful career man, and a really good looking guy none of whom stuck. Despite being very popular with the opposite sex, Miranda is enjoying being young and single.

When Steve told me he wasn’t being shy about expressing his interest, I tried to caution him away. Better men have tried and failed and I told him about really good looking guy and really clever guy. He dismissed it by saying maybe those guys were just not her type, implying the hope that he was. I threw in that she genuinely does not want a boyfriend to no avail.

If a woman cautions you against dating her friend, listen to her. She knows things you don’t and probably can’t tell you. She knows if her friend is crazy, too high maintenance for you, doesn’t want a relationship, or is not attracted to you. Ignore us at your wasted time and heartache.

The worst part is that Steve pulled a full nerd. He’s flirted before and I heard him try a barely concealed attempt at lending her something so he could see her again. At a recent MeetUp he monopolized as much of Miranda’s time as possible but he still won’t ask her out.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ask her out or back off. Attraction is not a war of attrition. Latching on to her and hoping she’ll eventually ask you out is cowardly. If you’re too scared of rejection to ask her, you don’t deserve her. If you take nothing else from this post, let it be this paragraph.

Music: Girl Like Me by Mathai

PSA: When to Stop

I am seriously over nerd guys who can’t take a hint. I see this all the time at cons and several of the geek oriented events I attend. I have been the victim of it more than once. A guy finds a girl he thinks is attractive and won’t leave her alone. Her body language will scream “I’m not interested” but he won’t stop talking at her.

Most of the guys I know have figured out when to back off. For those of you aren’t sure, here are some very good clues that you need to stop:

-If you’re talking to her and she walks away without a word

-If you’re talking to her and she starts talking to other people

-If she turns her back on you to talk to other people

-If she turns her back on you at any available opportunity

-If she’s constantly looking around the room and anywhere else but you while you’re talking

-If her body is (shoulders, torso, feet) facing anywhere else but you

-If you’re talking to her and all she is saying is “Uh-huh”

-If she says “I don’t give my number/email/last name out to people I just met” + any of the physical cues listed above

-If you ask her about doing something but don’t ask her out directly and she gives a noncommittal reply e.g. “I don’t know what I’m doing that weekend” “My schedule is really up in the air” “I might have a thing”

-If she says “I’m here with my friends” or “I need to go talk to [person who isn’t you]” and walks away.

These guys need to watch some YouTube videos on reading body language or set a reminder on your phone because this keeps happening. If a woman enjoys talking to you, she will face you, make eye contact, and participate in the conversation. She will give you her number or plan to see you again.

“Why can’t she just tell me she’s not interested?” She is. You’re not paying attention. You’re too busy talking at her to notice. It may also be because you won’t actually ask her out. You’ll just pester her all night in some junior high attempt at communicating your interest rather than risk rejection. FYI, being a stage 5 clinger all night astronomically increases your odds of rejection.

I know most of the guys who do this mean well and are harmless but they put all women in a horribly awkward position. We are forced to either spend the entire evening dealing with unwanted advances and not talking to people we actually find interesting or be a bitch. When a guy refuses to acknowledge any of the above, we are forced to say “I’m not interested” “It’s not gonna happen” or “Go away.”

Make no mistake, any nerd who has been rightfully put in his place won’t take it well. Despite being oblivious to the feelings of the objects of his affection, he is quite sensitive. It’s why these guys will almost never ask anyone out. They’re scared of rejection. We do not enjoy hurting anyone’s feelings but we also want the option of enjoying our night and relaxing.

Being uncomfortable and being a bitch are not fair choices to put on all geek girls. It’s incredibly selfish of nerd guys IMHO. Guys who do this give all geeks and nerds a bad name.

We are not NPCs in the story of you. We are not here for your entertainment. It is not your right to relentlessly hit on us. We shouldn’t have to constantly cater to the feelings of someone who clearly has no interest in ours.

If you have a friend who does this, refer him to this blog or rephrase it in a nicer way. I’m done being nice.

Music: Nothing to Prove by The Doubleclicks

Dating at Warp Speed

I’ve been binging on the episodes of GeekLove on YouTube. One episode that I really liked was the Mama’s Boy: Ladies Man who learned that he should really move out of his parent’s place. Talk about learning a valuable lesson.

Sci-Fi Speed Dating was at the DC comic convention back in April. Because my friends and I were the last session of the day so we hung around talking to the people running it. We all ended up going to dinner and having a great time. Ryan, the guy who runs it, is absolutely hilarious.

My BFF really wanted to go and I went along as moral support. I’d done it before at a non-nerd MeetUp group and it hadn’t gone well. The only time speed dating had gone well for me before was when I was the only girl. As cool as Ryan and his people are, that still held true in April.

I got no love, no numbers. I have too strong a personality for 3 minute doses IMHO. Ryan said there was one girl at New York Comic Con who went to every single session and got no numbers until the very last session on the very last day when she got more numbers than everyone.

I’m glad it worked for most people on the web show. I did not especially enjoy getting no love while 2 of my friends got numbers so I’m calling it on speed dating for me. Since Boy Toy and I got together a week after that disastrous session, that’s probably a good thing.

I did get one set of good digits out of it. I saw a girl in a book dress, told her it was awesome, and got a new friend. We hang out on the regular and she’ll be joining a group of us for Baltimore Comic Con. We saw the Rocky Horror Show last week. I think this may work out better than most of my past relationships.

Music: Cathose Tragedy by Voltaire