Hard of Listening

What is it with nerds and an allergy to listening?

A friend whom I’ll call Steve is interested in my friend Miranda. Steve is a quality guy and a good storyteller but he doesn’t have the best job and is around average looks. Miranda is sweet, bubbly, and very pretty. I’ve seen Miranda date a clever law student, a successful career man, and a really good looking guy none of whom stuck. Despite being very popular with the opposite sex, Miranda is enjoying being young and single.

When Steve told me he wasn’t being shy about expressing his interest, I tried to caution him away. Better men have tried and failed and I told him about really good looking guy and really clever guy. He dismissed it by saying maybe those guys were just not her type, implying the hope that he was. I threw in that she genuinely does not want a boyfriend to no avail.

If a woman cautions you against dating her friend, listen to her. She knows things you don’t and probably can’t tell you. She knows if her friend is crazy, too high maintenance for you, doesn’t want a relationship, or is not attracted to you. Ignore us at your wasted time and heartache.

The worst part is that Steve pulled a full nerd. He’s flirted before and I heard him try a barely concealed attempt at lending her something so he could see her again. At a recent MeetUp he monopolized as much of Miranda’s time as possible but he still won’t ask her out.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ask her out or back off. Attraction is not a war of attrition. Latching on to her and hoping she’ll eventually ask you out is cowardly. If you’re too scared of rejection to ask her, you don’t deserve her. If you take nothing else from this post, let it be this paragraph.

Music: Girl Like Me by Mathai

PSA: I'm So Sorry

I heard 2 women in the break room today bitching about how she’s in a fight with her man. From what I gathered he was a jerk and out of line. Rather than admit he was a jerk he gave her some half-assed not quite apology.

I am very familiar with these sorts of ‘apologies.’ I’ve dated men who hated to apologize or admit they’d done anything wrong. I’ve known several people like this especially in my generation. Ability to eat some crow and own your mistakes comes with maturity which we all know is an optional part of aging.

Examples of lame apologies include but are not limited to:

“I’m sorry you feel that way”

 “I’m sorry you think ____”

“I’m sorry you took issue with what I said/my tone/the truth”

 “I’m sorry you’ve got a problem”

 “I’m sorry you don’t like it/want to hear it”

 “I’m sorry that I called”

If someone says you were out of line or anything along the lines of “You hurt my feelings” and you gave any of the above apologies, it didn’t count. Most people won’t call anyone on that because they either want the issue over or they know it’s a waste of time.

By calling you on your nonsense they’re taking a risk. Acknowledging you hurt them makes them vulnerable. Failure to express any sort of condolence or regret is a failure to acknowledge how they feel and your contribution to it.

Counselors always recommend talking about feelings as ‘I’ statements (I feel, I think, etc.). All of the lame apologies above are ‘you’ statements. There is no ownership and therefore no sincerity.

Apologies are an art of language. If you actually are sorry but suck at saying it, here are some go to phrases:

“That wasn’t my intention”

“I never meant to/never want to hurt you”

“I didn’t realize I hurt your feelings/was being rude/upset anyone/said something offensive”

“I’m sorry I put you through that”

 “I made a mistake”

 “I’m sorry”

 “I was wrong/out of line”

 “I’m sorry” with no qualifiers is a classic for a reason. Go back to list of lame apologies and it’s all “I’m sorry [unnecessary crap that means you’re not actually sorry].”

You never have to admit you’re wrong but no one is right all the time. It should be obvious you didn’t intend to disappoint your friend/SO but saying that shows you recognize how they’re feeling.

If you’re in this predicament, you did something to upset the other person. You don’t have to like it but you do have to accept it. Getting defensive won’t make it better. Arguing why you did nothing wrong won’t unhurt feelings. It means the person you ticked off is still upset and is less likely to tell you when it happens again. If they can’t come to you when they’re upset and it’s your fault, why bother investing in the relationship?

Music: Iodine by Icon for Hire

PSA: When to Stop

I am seriously over nerd guys who can’t take a hint. I see this all the time at cons and several of the geek oriented events I attend. I have been the victim of it more than once. A guy finds a girl he thinks is attractive and won’t leave her alone. Her body language will scream “I’m not interested” but he won’t stop talking at her.

Most of the guys I know have figured out when to back off. For those of you aren’t sure, here are some very good clues that you need to stop:

-If you’re talking to her and she walks away without a word

-If you’re talking to her and she starts talking to other people

-If she turns her back on you to talk to other people

-If she turns her back on you at any available opportunity

-If she’s constantly looking around the room and anywhere else but you while you’re talking

-If her body is (shoulders, torso, feet) facing anywhere else but you

-If you’re talking to her and all she is saying is “Uh-huh”

-If she says “I don’t give my number/email/last name out to people I just met” + any of the physical cues listed above

-If you ask her about doing something but don’t ask her out directly and she gives a noncommittal reply e.g. “I don’t know what I’m doing that weekend” “My schedule is really up in the air” “I might have a thing”

-If she says “I’m here with my friends” or “I need to go talk to [person who isn’t you]” and walks away.

These guys need to watch some YouTube videos on reading body language or set a reminder on your phone because this keeps happening. If a woman enjoys talking to you, she will face you, make eye contact, and participate in the conversation. She will give you her number or plan to see you again.

“Why can’t she just tell me she’s not interested?” She is. You’re not paying attention. You’re too busy talking at her to notice. It may also be because you won’t actually ask her out. You’ll just pester her all night in some junior high attempt at communicating your interest rather than risk rejection. FYI, being a stage 5 clinger all night astronomically increases your odds of rejection.

I know most of the guys who do this mean well and are harmless but they put all women in a horribly awkward position. We are forced to either spend the entire evening dealing with unwanted advances and not talking to people we actually find interesting or be a bitch. When a guy refuses to acknowledge any of the above, we are forced to say “I’m not interested” “It’s not gonna happen” or “Go away.”

Make no mistake, any nerd who has been rightfully put in his place won’t take it well. Despite being oblivious to the feelings of the objects of his affection, he is quite sensitive. It’s why these guys will almost never ask anyone out. They’re scared of rejection. We do not enjoy hurting anyone’s feelings but we also want the option of enjoying our night and relaxing.

Being uncomfortable and being a bitch are not fair choices to put on all geek girls. It’s incredibly selfish of nerd guys IMHO. Guys who do this give all geeks and nerds a bad name.

We are not NPCs in the story of you. We are not here for your entertainment. It is not your right to relentlessly hit on us. We shouldn’t have to constantly cater to the feelings of someone who clearly has no interest in ours.

If you have a friend who does this, refer him to this blog or rephrase it in a nicer way. I’m done being nice.

Music: Nothing to Prove by The Doubleclicks

PSA on PDA

I’ve done PSAs for men and women but now I’m doing one for couples. Boy Toy and I spent some time with my friend Lizzie and her boyfriend Fitz over the weekend. Lizzie and Fitz are very much in like and enjoy showing it off.

Boy Toy and I can be cute but we aren’t super affectionate. I’ve always found those couples annoying and I try to avoid being someone I wouldn’t want to hang around. There’s a line between “They’re so cute. I’m glad they found each other” and “Dear God, get a room.”

I understand that different couples are comfortable with different levels of PDA. There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is when you’re making the people around you uncomfortable.

We were in a restaurant when Fitz pushed Lizzie against the wall and started kissing her. Boy Toy and I are standing a few feet away in a crowded restaurant waiting area. We were really uncomfortable and went to wait outside. I get you like your girlfriend but a family is eating dinner right over there. They didn’t pay for a show.

While they were being adorable later and made a point of saying how they were censoring themselves. I made a comment that our presence hadn’t seemed to stop them before so why start now? They took that as a cue to get cuter. I set myself up for that one by attempting any sort of subtlety.

I’m very happy Lizzie is in a good relationship. I love her to death and only wish her happiness. It’s great that her relationship is still in the new and saccharine phase. But spending most of Labor Day weekend around that sort of syrupy lovefest got a little grating. If other couples can’t handle your level of Katy Perry video sweetness, imagine what your single friends feel like.

Most people hate having these conversations with any part of the couple because they’re usually some combination of dismissive, defensive, or disinterested. If you’re friend is saying something, you are that bad, it doesn’t have to be a reflection on their relationship status, and you should consider how they feel.

I’m not the only one thinking this. I found an article about how too much PDA isn’t always a good sign. It explains very well how excessive PDA is alienating for everyone around you but I’m fairly certain Lizzie is safe from the negative stuff the article mentions.

I also found a few others at AskMen, TheEveryGirl, TwoOfUs, Wedding Wire, and MillionaireMatchmaker Patti Stanger. All of them say the same thing: there is such a thing as too much. Where the line falls varies but not by a lot.

Two statements that kept coming up were how the couples look like they have something to prove or don’t care about those around them. I can’t imagine anyone wanting people to think that about them or their significant other.

Couples of the world, do your friends a favor, and find out what they really think of your PDA. You may be surprised.

Music: Movie Villain Medley by Jon Cozart