I heard 2
women in the break room today bitching about how she’s in a fight with her man.
From what I gathered he was a jerk and out of line. Rather than admit he was a
jerk he gave her some half-assed not quite apology.
I am very
familiar with these sorts of ‘apologies.’ I’ve dated men who hated to apologize
or admit they’d done anything wrong. I’ve known several people like this
especially in my generation. Ability to eat some crow and own your mistakes
comes with maturity which we all know is an optional part of aging.
Examples
of lame apologies include but are not limited to:
“I’m sorry
you feel that way”
“I’m sorry you think ____”
“I’m sorry
you took issue with what I said/my tone/the truth”
“I’m sorry you’ve got a problem”
“I’m sorry you don’t like it/want to hear it”
“I’m sorry that I called”
If someone
says you were out of line or anything along the lines of “You hurt my feelings”
and you gave any of the above apologies, it didn’t count. Most people won’t
call anyone on that because they either want the issue over or they know it’s a
waste of time.
By calling
you on your nonsense they’re taking a risk. Acknowledging you hurt them makes
them vulnerable. Failure to express any sort of condolence or regret is a
failure to acknowledge how they feel and your contribution to it.
Counselors
always recommend talking about feelings as ‘I’ statements (I feel, I think,
etc.). All of the lame apologies above are ‘you’ statements. There is no
ownership and therefore no sincerity.
Apologies
are an art of language. If you actually are sorry but suck at saying it, here
are some go to phrases:
“That
wasn’t my intention”
“I never
meant to/never want to hurt you”
“I didn’t
realize I hurt your feelings/was being rude/upset anyone/said something
offensive”
“I’m sorry
I put you through that”
“I made a mistake”
“I’m sorry”
“I was wrong/out of line”
“I’m sorry” with no qualifiers is a classic for
a reason. Go back to list of lame apologies and it’s all “I’m sorry
[unnecessary crap that means you’re not actually sorry].”
You never have
to admit you’re wrong but no one is right all the time. It should be obvious
you didn’t intend to disappoint your friend/SO but saying that shows you
recognize how they’re feeling.
If you’re
in this predicament, you did something to upset the other person. You don’t
have to like it but you do have to accept it. Getting defensive won’t make it
better. Arguing why you did nothing wrong won’t unhurt feelings. It means the
person you ticked off is still upset and is less likely to tell you when it
happens again. If they can’t come to you when they’re upset and it’s your
fault, why bother investing in the relationship?
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